Brother dealing with DV case at work

[Cericwtch]

My brother has a colleague at work who is a victim of DV. This person has only ever had relationships where DV was a factor. She grew up witnessing it, her brother is in prison (reason unknown but something violent), it’s literally been this woman’s whole life.
As is the case with many in this situation, this person finds all excuses under the sun to stay with her abuser.
However, this woman is no wallflower, she perpetuates situations. Argues and ‘winds up’ her partner knowing how things will end. It’s an awful situation.
However, my brother has tried to help this person on more than one occasion. He’s got the police involved, liaised with specialist officers, all trying to help her detach herself from the situation but she just keeps going back. Over and over again.
Each time my brother tries to help, suggests a police escort to help her remove her belongings from the marital home etc etc. Nothing ever happens. The woman hates the police, always says she’ll leave but never does.
My issue is that my brother is the person this woman runs to every time another violent attack happens, and he tries his utmost every time to help. It really affects him. It’s now affecting his home life as this occurs every couple of weeks. It’s now affecting his own home life as he goes home to his wife and family but then spends all night trying to play social worker to his colleague.
AIBU to try and encourage him to have his boss try and deal with the situation rather than him?
The woman sits and goads her partner, not that DV is in any way OK, but she literally winds him up to get a reaction, instead of just leaving the guy.
I don’t know what do I’m just tired of seeing my brother upset over this and now starting to
see the strain it’s putting on his own relationship.
The woman needs professional help - something that my brother is not qualified in.

That is so sad to read, Thoughtful

This is exactly what is meant by hurt people hurt people.

It's not intentional but people lack boundaries and get drawn in. Such a shame your ex didn't draw the line sooner.

Apparently work HR have been useless, hence my bro stepping in.

Which means what exactly? Not being on tap counsellors, signposting services that she is unwilling or unable to contact, being professionally detached? If the victim changes their tune or the perpetrator gets involved, your dbro could easily become the target of a complaint and his work role be affected. Not to mention the effect on his mh and wellbeing.

Whilst it’s not your brothers problem to deal with please be aware that when women appear to goad a violent man there is a valid reason. That being she knows an attack is coming and the anticipation is unbearable and so she forces the situation to get it over with.
This woman needs professional help but may not yet be able to leave. It’s not really a choice, she is still trapped and her situation could go on for years and even lead to her death. Awful as it is, she may only feel ‘comfortable’ in or worthy of a violent relationship

I think this is key. It may actually be that she has been in a series of toxic relationships and if, as you suggest, she is goading and winding him up I’d say that the ‘DV’ may run both ways as she seems to have her own line in psychological abuse and manipulation. I think he needs to see that ‘just because she is a woman’ doesn’t mean that she is the victim. He should step away completely and keep referring her on to professionals.

My mother was like this woman - pretty, affected an air of vulnerability and feminine fragility but would keep goading, picking at, making snide remarks to make you react. Did this to my stepdad and even me as a teenager. I underwent years of it; caustic, snidey, abusive and humiliating comments hundreds of times a day. I snapped at 14 and thumped her on the back (once, close fisted, was much smaller than her) when she said something utterly unforgivable … and she then told the entire world that I beat her up. I never raised a hand to her or anyone again (fortunately school had the measure of her and were incredibly supportive to me, although I wonder to this day why SS weren’t called). DV victims are usually submissive and cowed in the presence of their abuser - they want to avoid confrontation and keep their abusers good will. They don’t wind them up - that is the hallmark of the abuser.

I suspect this woman is similar. He needs to look past her guise of femininity and refer her on. He needs to read up on Dv and the fact that women can be perpetrators too (esp if they’ve grown up in a DV environment). And he shoudl watch that programme on that poor guy who was beaten up and abused by his wife in front of his kids that was on a few months ago.

If she is a genuine DV victim, she needs to choose to leave. Noone can’t help her until she makes that decision.

DV victims are usually submissive and cowed in the presence of their abuser - they want to avoid confrontation and keep their abusers good will. They don’t wind them up - that is the hallmark of the abuser.

Some DV victims. Some.

In the way some rape.victims fight back and others freeze. In the way some women challenge threatening men and others fawn.

There is no.one way of responding.

I certainly didn't "cower in the presence" of my abuser and I was 8 when it started and 17 when he moved out and it stopped. He was 6'2. I'm 5'3 ", and I was terrified.

In fact, there were times I'd stand there, bruised and in pain, slow clapping him saying, "Well done, big man.

So, no, there no universal 'usually'.

NOT that I’m blaming here, far from it the guy is a monster.

You have blamed her at least three times that I can see.

HR and step away.

This. My instinctive reaction when a man slapped me was to punch him in the face and beat him with a lampshade. When he slapped my thigh really hard in the car because he was in a bad mood I threw my hot drink onto his crotch. When he shouted at me in public I always, always shouted back.

I was not a ‘victim’ in the way the media portray dv. I didn’t cower in fear and so none of the usual strategies worked. It actually it took me beating up my abuser for the abuse to stop.

I've said in my post, sometimes it's easier to shout back as it will end the cycle of torment waiting for them to explode. They are usually nice again for a bit.

Yes and it's why there are so many difficulties around pressing charges against men who harm women because as soon as we don't behave in the way someone thinks a victim should behave, people say things like If she is a genuine victim...

If you don't understand why women stay in an abusive relationships don't speculate and victim blame.

Of course it's irrational. Duh! Goading, irrational. Being submissive, irrational. Any way of living, irrational. Staying, irrational. Leaving, irrational.

Imagine being a prisoner in a cage with an unlocked door who don't dare to walk through - even with your children - welcome to the reality of domestic abuse.

Thank god for women's aid.

Your DB is not the helping this woman needs. I think he is putting his need to be a saviour ahead of hers. I hope to god he is not seeing her as an easy victim.

Brava @PocketSand BRAVA!

well said.

Your brother isn't a 'nice guy' if his wife has to sit him down and explain the effect his bullshit is having on her.
He needs to block her damn number.

@Cericwtch she is messaging him because he has become her number one support.

She will be even more lost and lonely for a while if she has left her partner and will likely want even more contact and support from your brother to try to keep her strong/away from him.

Are you the sister in all honesty or are you the wife trying to seek a way to deal with this?

if DA is all she’s ever known & is her immediate present then ofc her behaviour will be directly influenced by those experiences & current fear

what’s your brother’s excuse?

”he’s digging his heels in”
”hr are useless”
“he’s making my SIL feel bad for having an issue with him being so involved*

So

‘he knows better than anyone else’
‘he’s the only one who can help’
‘no-one should be questioning his behaviour’

even his own life partner who is being negatively impacted by that behaviour

Some men act all white-knighty, cross all sorts of boundaries & end up with a she owes me now belief

and that would be awful if he started out with genuinely altruistic intentions

like PP suggest - the abused colleague is not the problem for your brother - his own behaviour is the problem