Inheritance question- AIBU

[PrincessCalley]

Hi all, just looking for some opinions on something. Don't want to go into too many specifics but there is only myself and my brother in family. Over the last couple of years it has become obvious that my brother is going to inherite all my parents assets when they pass (actually he might have gotten most of it already) In total it is worth about 2.5million.

Down through the years I have received cash presents totalling approx 100k from my parents which have been used to pay down debt. We still have a mortgage and car loans etc so still have the usual expenses. My brother owns his own home outright has a good job and doesnt depend on parents assest to make a living. The money has been very much appreciated but now I'm beginning to think it's been given to me to keep me quiet.

People (relatives) have started passing comments in jest along the lines of "you've no need to worry about money as you'll be getting half" etc etc and I've brushed them off with "ha ha who knows/I wouldn't bet on it" knowing I'm actually getting nothing. And I'm actually starting to resent saying this rather than telling the truth as people would be shocked.

Question is AIBU to feel resentful or am I being ungrateful?? Or am I within my rights to feel a little bit hard done by?

Then you need to talk to them. Spell out that as he’s not going to be farming the land either, then when they die the land will be sold, and you don’t understand the reasoning why all the money after inheritance tax etc is paid, should go to your brother alone and not be shared.

Your family values your brother over you. I would start to distance… and not be available.

This^

That's such a shitty thing for your parents to do. Some farming folk can be quite traditional with things like this. I understand there can be an argument for it but, as with this case, it's not always the case. I think it's actually really cruel to cut someone out of a will like this.

OP, how close are you to your brother? My kids would 100% disagree if my husband and I want to do something like this. Can you get him to get them to see sense. Unless he is a really shit person too I can't see how he could 'agree' to this.
It's not grabby of you to expect to be treated fairly and you aren't and, more importantly, your children aren't.

I think you need to be really clear to your parents how you feel. They are probably relying on you being too 'nice' not the say anything. I'd make them have a conversation about it.

I'm not sure about the whole "Its not the money, it's the principle" thing. I think there is nothing wrong with saying it IS about both the principle and the money. This money could mean that your children can buy houses when they need them. It's life changing. (Or can be life changing)

This happened to my (female) cousin. There were two large (£1m + each) houses on the family farm, one had belonged to my uncle and aunt and one that had belonged to my uncle's parents. And the farm itself. The DB already had his DGP's former home, he stayed there with his family on weekends/holidays. Then, when my uncle and aunt passed away, he inherited their house as well - and the whole farm. He cleared everything out of his DP's house within 2 months and installed a farm manager in the house.

My female cousin didn't even get her choice of the furniture. She got a few trinkets and family photos and that was it.

do you think they are under the illusion that your brother wont sell it - that he will keep it intact and turning over, and so their 'legacy' will remain, in their mind - possibly to be passed down again to an eldest son who may take up the farming mantel.
whereas if it was left 50-50 then there is no question about it being sold and split up.
Of course its likely that this is just a pipe dream. If he has no interest in farming, and doesnt want to keep it for sentimental reasons,its likely to be sold anyway - or capitalised upon with planning options.
have you spoken to your brother about this - the signing over already over may well be a pragmatic way to get ahead of any care costs? have you spoken to him about the situation?

I'm sick of the oft repeated 'they can leave it to whoever they want'

It's so often a sexist thing, boys ALWAYS valued over girls, soft 'caring' skills undervalued and yet expected from girls.

This is not GRABBY, it's equality - tell them you want half the money, ask why they value their son over their daughter.

Money = value and worth here.

Stop lying to people to protect your parents. I’d also start being more honest with your parents and pushing back on the calls for help.
mum, I don’t understand why you’re calling me. You’ve made it clear you love my brother more by giving him all of your assets. Why don’t you ask him for help too? I’m your daughter and that doesn’t make me the secretary housemaid. I have a mortgage to pay, and I have to go sorry.’

Does it matter?

I think you need to speak to your parents about this ASAP. You have every right to be treated the same as your brother and inherit 50% of their assets each.

I'd be incredibly hurt if this wasn't the case and would explain this to them, it's not about the money it's about the favouritism that leaving you out demonstrates. I wouldn't be able to get over that.

In the absence of some compelling reason, parents should treat their children as fairly and equally as possible.

@AutumnLeaves1990 - farms are often left to the son who will carry on farming the land. It’s the norm in communities like this, but it’s the norm it won’t be sold, the norm is this will be his job, the land value only matters for inheritance tax purposes/borrowing against, it doesn’t get sold.

however, if the brother does plan to sell up, then it’s only fair that the money is split. A conversion needs to happen around what’s actually going to happen to the land.

Yes, surely it's possible to add a codicil to the will, eg. if the farm is sold within the next 20 years, half of the proceeds are to go to OP

I had to have this conversation with my DPs. I explained that it was their estate and therefore up to them what they did with it. However my recognising that fact did not mean that I had to like it, be smiling and happy about it. I explained that they had chosen to disregard how I might feel and that I was therefore perfectly entitled not to worry about hurting their feelings by showing my unhappiness. It cleared the air a bit even if they didn't like it. DB lives abroad so they've started to come knocking for things like PoA etc and I'm prepared to take that on but I will be doing no running up and down the country caring for them as and when needed. DB can jump on a plane or they can spend his inheritance on carers etc. I'm certainly not picking up unpaid grunt work to increase his future pot.

I suggest that you explain quite frankly how you feel. Any comments about your being "grabby" can be dealt with quite bluntly - you aren't being grabby to want to be equal in their regard. Just remind yourself they are gaslighting you to stop themselves feeling guilty and that it is not your job to facilitate that. I'd also make it very clear that they have decided to dispose of assets and therefore if they need care they should look to your DB to fund it. Your time does not exist to facilitate the fact that they gave away assets that could have funded paid help to improve your brother's financial position. Ideally ask for your DB to be part of that conversation so everyone knows where you stand.

I live in Ireland and this business of always leaving the land/farm to the son especially if he's the eldest, has been the case for years.

Don't know why your parents aren't treating you and your sibling equally but I never understand how parents can do that. It's hurtful and divisive.

I don’t understand why you can’t talk to your parents about this honestly.

Ask them why they are giving everything to him and not you.

YANBU.
im one of 3. I was not included in DMs will. Siblings and I all earn in the same ballpark. My DH earns considerably more than their partners. One sibling has no children (and doesn’t plan to have any). We are all comfortably off.

DMs justification was that I didn’t ‘need’ the money…..the boarder line alcoholic cocaine snorting sibling needs it more.

and whilst I completely agree that it’s her money and she can do what she likes with it…..what she can’t do is control the consequence of her actions. She has completely destroyed our relationship. She has gone from my rock to a person I speak to when I have to.
and the problem @PrincessCalley is more that they think this is ok. My DM has said (and again, all trust now lost, so I’m not sure I even believe her) That she has subsequently changed her will to include me. But the fact that she thought it ok to treat us so unfairly, to demonstrate from the grave how little she values me speaks volumes. I certainly wouldn’t be hiding the truth from anyone (I don’t). And anyone who calls you grabby certainly hasn’t been in the same situation.

Well I wouldn't be doing any caring going fowards given they'd made their feelings about me completely clear.

I don't think I could forgive that level of favourism.

So you've answered the second question, but repeatedly ignoring the first when many others have asked too.

When you say to them that he'll just sell the farm, so it's akin to just giving him that amount of cash and you, nothing, what is their response. And not "it's grabby" because you aren't complaining about him actually farming and continuing the business, that's never going to happen, you're pointing out the disparity in him being gifted £2.5m cash and you zero and can they explain why they think this is fair.

And then what though? After you and your brother passed…what would happen to the family estate then? What is happening sucks for you but I am guessing your parents want the farm kept in the family and are expecting your brother to hand down to one of his kids?

Well to be honest I don't know or haven't thought about what happens to it in the next generation, but honestly my kids are much older than my brothers kid (they are only a few months old) but why should my kids be paupers and their cousin have so much. However, that's not for my parents to dictate. Their grandkids financial worries are not their concern. It should be up to myself and my brother to decide that in years come.

They can do what they want.

So can you.

Next time they need help I'd be less available and tell them to ask golden boy to help.

If you carry on doing things for them, knowing what you know then you're just choosing to be taken advantage of.

It's true your parents can do what they want but this is a situation where I would have to ask the parents 'why?'. Such unequal treatment hurts. Have you had that conversation? If not, I would. You never know, it might give you some peace.

In the situation I think it's quite fair to let them use their assets and run them down to pay for any care they might need as they age. If my parents favoured my sibling so blatantly, I can't imagine feeling like doing too much for them, not because my care is conditional, but I just couldn't feel close to them if shunted to the side like that.

I think people are asking so many questions because it's SO unreasonable, it's hard for a reasonable person to get their heads around it.

YANBU. They are being horrible but you need some therapy to really see that. You're not angry enough about it.

Similar situation in my family- my now deceased granny handed her entire share of family farm to her brother on the basis it wasn’t to be divided and to keep the land together.
Her sons got nothing and their only cousin now has the lot. He has a step child who is all being passed on to and the actual blood grand children have nothing. Worth several million. Hard to get your head around but down to old school sexism and passing to eldest male.

In farming communities there can be an almost obsession with keeping the land together and that over rides fairness.
Have a watch of Yellowstone- depicts it well