Inheritance question- AIBU

[PrincessCalley]

Hi all, just looking for some opinions on something. Don't want to go into too many specifics but there is only myself and my brother in family. Over the last couple of years it has become obvious that my brother is going to inherite all my parents assets when they pass (actually he might have gotten most of it already) In total it is worth about 2.5million.

Down through the years I have received cash presents totalling approx 100k from my parents which have been used to pay down debt. We still have a mortgage and car loans etc so still have the usual expenses. My brother owns his own home outright has a good job and doesnt depend on parents assest to make a living. The money has been very much appreciated but now I'm beginning to think it's been given to me to keep me quiet.

People (relatives) have started passing comments in jest along the lines of "you've no need to worry about money as you'll be getting half" etc etc and I've brushed them off with "ha ha who knows/I wouldn't bet on it" knowing I'm actually getting nothing. And I'm actually starting to resent saying this rather than telling the truth as people would be shocked.

Question is AIBU to feel resentful or am I being ungrateful?? Or am I within my rights to feel a little bit hard done by?

You should try to get confirmation of this and if it's correct you're off the hook for all caring responsibilities and expenses. I'm sick of older people treating their daughters like shit and then expecting them to bend over backwards forn them.

Someone asked if it was a farm and if her brother worked it and the OP responded that he doesn't work it and never has so I think she has confirmed that it is a farm.

OP confirmed it was a farm

YANBU to be hurt and feel its unfair; it is absolutely unfair and smacks of favouritism. I'd be hurt too, I don't see any other way to interpret this. It's easier said than done, but you would need to have a very open discussion with your parents about this; make sure they know how you feel, and that they understand that your relationship with your brother will likely be irreparably damaged because of their behaviour and blatantly unfair treatment of you. They may not care, but at least you will have the opportunity to be heard. It's not grabby to want to feel loved and valued, which is what this comes down to; it's not about money, it's about being shown that your brother is being valued more than you for no other reason beyond being male. There is zero reason they couldn't arrange things differently. They just don't want to. That is what this is about. Any other attempts by them to say otherwise are BS, pure and simple. I would fully let them know that since they are not planning to be there for you and make sure youy are valued and taken care of in their wills, you are not going to be available for caring needs etc. It is what it is; they have created this situation, and have no say or control in how you feel or respond to it.

OP hasn't necessarily said it's a farm. Could be a B&B/hotel or a live in care home or a number of other things. It's irrelevant really.

Whatever it is, OP has confirmed her brother has almost no involvement in it and does not work in it.

OP has said it will be leased when her dad no longer works.

Her parents could have put it into some kind of trust or set up as a company with OP and her brother each owning shares so that when it is leased out they share the income from that.

Instead they've chosen to sign the lot over to her brother.

Is your brother a saver? Maybe they think you’d spend it all and get into more debt, there has to be a reason behind it.

Difficult but I would definitely drop into convo at some point that you won't be able to help much with future care because you need to work full time until you are 68 or whatever.

It’s very tricky with a farm as people have a real thing about it “staying in one piece and in the family”. But the same problem will arise in another 40/50 years when your brother dies. Will he leave all to one child? If not it’ll be split or sold then. And maybe your brother might just sell it anyway.

Are there really no assets (a house?) your parents could have passed to you?

So, they have given you over £100k to pay off debts you have run up. You feel ‘hard done by’ and you will not be giving them any care when they get frail? How spoilt and grabby! You wonder why they are not leaving it to you? Give your head a wobble!

Farm succession is tricky, perhaps they have already made plans for your brother to take over and farm the land.

Inheriting a family farm does not equal millions in the bank, unless the asset is sold. In some cases I have heard of the person or people handing over putting in a clause which states that if the asset is sold with x,y,z amount of years then the money must be split between the siblings.

Have you ever showed interest in the farm and have you ever been asked if you wanted to be involved? If your brother has no plans to farm it then this does seem unfair. On the other hand, often the siblings who get a cash injection and don't inherit a lifetimes worth of hard work, debt and stress are sometimes much better off.

Fedbyfarmers have a very good podcast with a mediator who deals with succession planning.

Nope no debt. Have used the money to pay off some of our mortgage. That's it.

No there are ways around it being sold. It could be put into a lease where we both would get an equal share of rental income.

As I mentioned to a previous poster I've used the money to go towards paying off my mortgage. Haven't wasted it. My brother doesn't have a mortgage and fair play to him, he's worked hard to pay for it.

If it's a farm and they've essentially put the wheels in motion for him to take it over, then there's not a lot you can do really. Maybe the assets are worth that, maybe they aren't.

I think we need a bit more context - why have they been giving you lump sums to pay down your mortgage, how did that come about - what was discussed at the time, did they mention how they'd also be giving money to your brother when the time came?

Okay just to answer some questions. I have not ran up any debt. I used the money I've recieved over the years to pay down my mortgage to try pay it off as soon as possible so we can start saving more for our children to go to college. I have not been irresponsible with money. I am trying to ensure my own kids can have the best start they can.

My brother does not work the farm. He has his own job and does help out at specific times of year but has very little involvement with the animals.

My parents have given me some money as my brother would always have been better off than me. I don't begrudge him any of those things. He lived abroad for a long time and worked hard to make his money. There's no issue with that.

The assets are definitely worth what I've said and on a good day could be worth more. The farm is not in any sort of debt and would be making a small amount of money every year. My dad works hard on that. But my brother will not continue that. He has very little interest in the animals and does almost nothing with them.

I think you need to spell things out to your parents - say that you feel accusations of you being grabby is just a way to shut you up about their unfairness, and you think as it’s clearly spoiling your relationship with them and your brother, you should give them a chance to explain why they are being unfair giving him £2.5m and you nothing.

point out as your brother will probably sell the farm anyway, they are just giving him £2.5m and you nothing. If he was planning on farming the land it would make this less hurtful, but as he’s not, it is just the same as giving him money and you nothing.

keep stressing that if your brother worked on the farm you might feel differently, but as he doesn’t, it’s just a big lump sum inheritance with you getting nothing.

People think it’s something you’ve done, but it’s actually quite common among old style farming families around here that it goes to the eldest son. I find it crazy personally and yanbu.

Inheritance is like love in this situation, I think. Your parents are leaving all their love to your brother and not you. Of course it hurts and you are not being grabby xxx

You say the farm makes little year-on year. So it sounds like your brother couldn't have worked on it full time even if he'd wanted to. Perhaps the idea is that he will farm it when they retire/die? Otherwise what will happen? He'll just sell it? If so the will seems unfair.

Sorry, paying down debt made it sound like something else.

@PrincessCalley this is when you start to feel unimportant in their lives!!

I used to work in villages where most of my patients were farming folk. When people asked me where I worked, I used to tell them the 1950s. Lovely people, but the most old fashioned bunch I have ever met.

Basically this.

Why can't you have this conversation?

Do they think you're headed for divorce so reluctant to give you anything when they think half will just go straight to your divorcing partner?

Not heading for divorce either. Well unless they know something I don't know. Silly argument as my brother is just as likely to divorce as I am and as it stands half of it would be gone if that happened.