Inheritance question- AIBU

[PrincessCalley]

Hi all, just looking for some opinions on something. Don't want to go into too many specifics but there is only myself and my brother in family. Over the last couple of years it has become obvious that my brother is going to inherite all my parents assets when they pass (actually he might have gotten most of it already) In total it is worth about 2.5million.

Down through the years I have received cash presents totalling approx 100k from my parents which have been used to pay down debt. We still have a mortgage and car loans etc so still have the usual expenses. My brother owns his own home outright has a good job and doesnt depend on parents assest to make a living. The money has been very much appreciated but now I'm beginning to think it's been given to me to keep me quiet.

People (relatives) have started passing comments in jest along the lines of "you've no need to worry about money as you'll be getting half" etc etc and I've brushed them off with "ha ha who knows/I wouldn't bet on it" knowing I'm actually getting nothing. And I'm actually starting to resent saying this rather than telling the truth as people would be shocked.

Question is AIBU to feel resentful or am I being ungrateful?? Or am I within my rights to feel a little bit hard done by?

That's really shit, I'm so sorry.

I would be telling all their friends what's happening. Shame the fuck out of them. You literally have nothing to lose.

And don't do anything for them.

Its bullshit.

There is no way they couldnt have parcelled some land for you or put it in a business and make you both directors or something

id be incredibly hurt amd it would change how I viewed my parents

Following your updates, next time relatives comment that you've no need to worry about money, you'll be getting half I'd reply "actually they've told me that DB is getting everything. I'm getting nothing. Apparently I should just be happy that I and my children are healthy and they've already signed most of it over to him".

Hmm, you mention debt. How much debt are we talking? Do you have a history of being irresponsible with money that may have affected their decision?

Make sure you don't do anything else to help. I have 3 sons and unless one becomes a junkie or an aliki the money would be split 3 ways, regardless of if one had their own property. When my dad passed I had a home cheap rent, my brother lived with dad but house was still sold and everything split 50/50 I never asked him to leave, he was happy to go. I've never understood how parents can do this. They know surely there will be bad feelings

Ask her.... Mum.. why do you think it is right that Adam inherits all of your wealth?

Can I just ask - is his inheritance in the form of a family estate that would have to be sold if you two children were to split the inheritance into two?

I would back away and take my precious dc with me.
My df showed his true colours 25 years ago. He won Big Money. He didn't even get my dc a bag of sweets. Not grabby but who could do that when visiting every week and seeing your only dc struggling?

Am sorry this has happened to you OP. It is grossly unfair to treat children so differently unless there is a medical/care issue, yet some people do do this and somehow justify it to themselves.

I'd tell them exactly how you feel about it and how you feel at being treated so differently. I wouldn't be surprised if you are met with dismissal of your feelings, minimizing and gaslighting. No-one wants to admit that something they've done isn't very nice.

Don't feel obliged to do much for them after that other than to be in contact. Pull back on helping with anything as he can do it all now.

Why are you still helping them out when they’ve already signed over the farm to him? He doesn’t even help them or work it! I don’t understand why this sexism occurs in similar positions. Neither of you will (presumably) be taking it over, so how come he gets it all?

Down through the years I have received cash presents totalling approx 100k from my parents which have been used to pay down debt. We still have a mortgage and car loans etc so still have the usual expenses

May I ask what these debts they were paying down for you were for, OP?

On the face of it their choice sounds very harsh - though of course it's their money/their decision - but without wanting to assume anything I'm wondering if they feel you make poor financial decisions and would waste any inheritance?

It is such a huge, lifechanging amount of money that I would be saying to my DM 'I understand that you feel it's your money - and you can do what you like with it - but how can you not understand that leaving it ALL to DB means I feel hurt, humiliated and undervalued. It's like he is the only person that you love and that you not only don't love me - but it feels like you must really hate me to cut me out of your will entirely. If you have cut me out, then tell me now, and I'll never ever come and see you again. He can do everything for you as he is the only one you love. Also realise that if, after you are dead and gone, I discover you've left him everything, that I will hate your guts. I will be free to spit on your memory, dance on your grave and slag you off to every single person who ever knew you. Is that the inheritance you want to leave? One of your children loathing the mention of you? You cannot do this and not affect our entire relationship. It's already damaged that you would even actually consider it. I don't think I can ever feel the same way about you, because the hurt will always be there now, knowing that was your plan'.

They may have thought something like this and be using it to justify their actions. It is still grossly unfair and will affect your relationship with them and your relationship with your brother. I note, he's not said quietly to you that he will give you anything at some point in the future, so he is on board with their decision to give everything to him. He is no better than they are.

Please learn to say "no" to whatever they ask of you OP. Just be too busy right now and tell them to ask him instead. They are no longer your problem and their problems are no longer yours either. I'd also tell everyone as it is not your embarrassing little secret to be kept.

YANBU OP.
Don't hide it, Make sure everyone knows it's going to your brother.
And stop doing anything for your parents as they don't give a fig about you.

If it’s been signed over already he owns it so he’s not inherited it. If there’s no will then it’s split 50/50 between you both.

Ask them why? Seems archaic it all goes to the son.

It will take some time to get over the hurt and going low contact and grey rocking them should help. Don't tell them anything about yourself or your family from now on, they are no longer entitled to be involved as they have shown that they don't care. Focus on your immediate family and invest the time you would have spent on your parents on them.

That's shit. I just cannot imagine doing that to one of my kids. I can't imagine how your parents wouldn't think it would impact your relationship with them

When they ask for help tell them to get in touch with your brother.

Ah right people get weirdly sentimental about farms.

@PrincessCalley

I'm so sorry. I hurt for you.

I have spent my life in the shadow of wealthy old fashioned traditional men.

Historically money given to 'me' by my father was signed over to my husband and I didn't see it. Women are there to breed, care, clean and raise successful children and look after their parents. Not to own assets or a pension.

Women are kept vulnerable to do their bidding.

It makes me mad but many older generations still operate like this. You can't change them.

Bastards!

Farms are very difficult though. It sounds like your parents are asset-rich and cash-poor so if they split their estate 50/50 it would involve the farm having to be sold in order for you both to benefit - or one of you buying the other out which probably isn't financially possible. I am a farmer's daughter and always knew that the farm would go to my brother. It was possibly slightly easier in my case in that I was a bookworm and had no interest in the farm or an outdoors lifestyle whereas my brother lives for animals, machinery etc. I had university, trips etc paid for and big wedding, willingly paid for by my parents. I also live in a different country so when time came to care for my parents my brother and SIL had to shoulder that not-inconsiderable burden.

If you were to inherit equally with your brother, what would that look like in your eyes? A large sum of money, or half a share of a farm?

You say the 100k has been used to pay off debt, that is a lot of debt, was it run up due to a reason that they may be concerned would resurface and cause you to fritter the money away - addiction, gambling, spending problems, general bad life choices? Just seems odd that they'd give you all of this money in life tbh.

As a farmers daughter I see this all the time. Farmers seem utterly and totally reluctant to sell a farm, instead they wish to pass it on to the next generation typically their son in the hope against hope that they will farm it too at some stage and keep it in the family.
It's utter nonsense but I've seen it a million times over .
Land brings out the worst in people for some reason .

Hang on, I don't think OP said it's a farm - and if it was, presumably relatives wouldn't have mentioned her getting half, since however unfair it seems to be a "thing" to pass them to the first son?