To move house and schools due to a broken friendship?

[RedIvy18]

A few months ago I cut a close friend out of my life because she has been really horrible about other people as well as betraying my trust a few years ago. I had just has enough of her attitude and the way she never had anything nice to say about anyone (think stuff along the lines of saying that a friend has had too many kids and can't cope etc, or that another friend doesnt deserve their PHD due to financial help from parents.) I called her out and told her that I dont feel the same about our relationship anymore. She hasn't taken it well and has even refused to let her kids go to the same birthday party as my DH and DS were going to. He husband was horrible to me telling me to never contact them ever again when I offered to give their housekey back.

The problem is that she lives 3 doors down from me and her son will be in my child's year at school (starting Sep '26.) She has a close friend whose son will also be in my DS's year who has blocked me on social media etc since I cut her out (ironically this friend is one of the people ex friend has said the worst stuff about however isn't aware.)

My DS will be an only child and I feel very sad about the fact that school pickups, summer fairs and nativity plays etc will be marred by the presence of ex friend. I just feel that it'll be very uncomfortable. Ex friend already has a child at the school and I wouldn't put it past her to try to turn others against me.

AIBU to want to get away from her and the area, and not have to see her anymore? There are other good schools in our city.

Yes, moving entire area including house and school to try and mitigate a bit of imagined future awkwardness you don't even know will happen yet is absolutely unreasonable.

This will be forgotten about in 2 months' time, I've no idea why you would consider taking such drastic action?

People will tell you not to worry, to just get on with your own life and don't give her a second thought... This is all well and good and sensible advice if you're a very emotionally robust, resilient character, but if you're not then I think you'll struggle. She sounds incredibly petty and toxic and the damage these types can do knows no bounds in my experience. For whatever reason they don't handle perceived rejection well and instead of accepting the friendship is done, will try and poison the well for you with others. As much as I like to believe that people will see through any lies or gossip regarding you, people often act like sheep and if she's already well established in the school, then chances are you may well be shunned. Only you know the level she will stoop to OP and I'd let that be my guide.sometimes it's worth starting over afresh where your on an equal footing and don't run the risk of having your reputation sullied.

I don't think its unreasonable at all. You have one life, its yours to do as you wish with. You shouldn't feel forced to do this at all, but you are more than entitled to if you wish to. I have just ended a very similar sounding toxic friendship and have removed my daughter from the extra curricular activity we had in common. Daughter was happy to switch to an alternative setting. For me, I hate confrontation and awkwardness and my life is much happier without having to dodge these people on a daily basis. Some people might find it easy to ignore, I don't. Especially when (like you) the one person taking up for my ex friend is the one she was most vicious about!

Obviously moving house is a big decision, but schools isn't much of a worry as your little one hasn't started yet. If you are willing and able to move and it brings you peace, then why not!

It is totally normal to not get on with certain people in life. You will always come across people who gossip and bitch about people and there could well be more or worse at another school. Just be civil to her and get on with your own life. She can only ruin things if you let what she say bother you and I am sure that if she is bitching behind people's back, a lot of other people will quickly work out what she is like and avoid her.

Plus changing schools and moving is only for your benefit. What about the disadvantage to your husband and son and the financial implications? To be honest I think it could possibly be being a bit selfish?

Seems extreme. After day 2 of seeing one another on the playground you will both figure it out.

So you want to move your entire family just because you had a row with a woman?
Have you told your son and husband what devastation has been brought down onto your lives, and that the thought of not speaking to anyone at the school gates is a disaster beyond all comprehension?

This. I've had my life blown up by one of these devil spawn and people still blank me. Move while you can. If she's a cluster B like mine is, it'll never stop and people don't care enough to wonder what your side is, they'll just believe whatever she tells them.

Yep. Sorry it's happened to you too. The damage they inflict is irreparable. With these people you don't fight back, you run and get out as quick as you can.

Similar situation, don't have the option to move kids same classes I just get on with it ,it's awkward by times but it's doable. Given the choice I would move for my own peace . She'll out herself eventually by doing the same to others .

Her son isn’t even old enough to be at school yet if you read the post, so I doubt it’ll affect him too much. I’m sure OP is talking about moving locally not cross country. Living three doors down with someone you’ve actively fallen out with isn’t ideal for most people. Why should she be miserable, if what she wants is peace, then so be it.

There are other good schools in our city

I would genuinely look in to this for when you need to apply. I don’t think YABU at all to look in to your options.

I'm also in the camp that this all seems very Drama Llama. What happens when you move, make a friend, then have a row with them because you "have to call them out" on saying something you disagree with? How many times in your life are you prepared to move, to uproot your children, change their schools, etc? Have you looked into the costs of moving? Even if you are lucky enough to live in an area where property prices are low enough that you don't pay stamp duty, you are looking at thousands. I guess if you rent it may be cheaper, but it's still far from free.

Whatever you decide to do here, you need to have a good hard think about how you went from not liking someone's opinions or what they say about a third party to a position where you are expecting to be ostracised by the entire primary school community. Even if you are 100% right about the other person, the way you dealt with it has achieved absolutely nothing positive and potentially caused massive disruption and upset to you and your whole family. Simply not engaging in the bitchy gossip and changing the subject sends a clear signal that you won't play that game and don't like it, and if that doesn't work, just politely distance yourself.

@SummerInSun I would normally take the approach that you have described but this is someone who was such a big part of my life that it would have been impossible to distance myself politely. I have known her for 30 years and until 5 years ago when she told mutual friends something very personal about me she was probably my closest friend. The 'third parties' she has been talking about (saying unforgivable things) are dear friends so it's not some everyday situation where I have taken issue with a fleeting comment from someone. I used to openly disagree with her but she still carried on the next time we saw each other etc.

I don't for one minute regret calling her out as it needed to happen. I would also argue that not having her in my life anymore is a positive as she has been making me unhappy and uncomfortable over the past few years.

We moved to the street three years ago, and then she moved there, even then when she told me I remember in the back of my mind thinking 'oh no'. As for the housing situation we do actually plan to move in a few years to a 'forever home', we have renovated the one we live in now and made a decent amount. That said moving sooner rather than later would mean that we are in a worse position for buying the next house for various reasons.

The school thing is tricky as I think that the current choice would be the best one for my DS, and nursery applications for the school need to be in this Jan. I have thought about it in depth today and I couldn't live with myself if I thought I'd sold him short on his education. I definitely think that living 3 doors down on the same street as her is too much though. I'm lucky that I have lots of good friends besides her, and I am on friendly terms with some other parents from the area already so the school events and pickups may not be so bad. Part of me is still dreading it though! I may feel differently in 2 years time though.

I'm not used to this sort of situation and I do struggle a bit with anxiety, so I think I may be doing my usual thing of overthinking and catastrophising.

I agree with all of this. I’ve been on the receiving end of a smear campaign because I had rejected someone. They destroyed almost every connection I had.
Start afresh now when you have time if you are in a position to.

I genuinely can’t understand this “massive disruption” line? If I didn’t like my neighbour and moved half a mile away and picked
a different primary school to apply for in five months time, I’m not sure it would cause massive disruption. other than the obvious upheaval of moving house which people do every day for various different reasons, some as mundane as wanting an extra bedroom or a south facing garden 🤷‍♀️ OP and her partner can move somewhere with the same commute time, in the opposite direction! And the son knows no different as he hasn’t started school yet.

If you haven’t experienced the sort of nastiness some people can bring to your life you can’t possibly understand the lengths people might want to go to, in order to avoid them. Primary school is seven long years to feel anxious and isolated. A fresh start is exactly what some people need. And for others, it’s water off a ducks back.

Are you getting help for your anxiety? Do you have good friends who will stick by you no matter what?

We have to live around people we don't get on with.

We have to manage it. Many have nightmare neighbours.

Most people aren't interested in others people's gossip and nastiness.

Genuine people will avoid her, or realise there are two sides to a story.

@Geneticsbunny I do have good friends, they are very supportive. My DH is also amazing.
As for the anxiety I'm not getting any help at the moment, I think I need to look into it. It has worsened since the end of April when I distanced myself from ex friend. I try to take care of myself (no drinking, plenty of exercise) which usually does the trick with keeping the anxiety at bay but it isn't quite doing it for me at the moment.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable as I think that is a horrible situation to be in as your son is involved. However - I would learn from it. Never make friends who you become to close and overlap with etc always be able to walk away type thing so it doesn’t happen again

I would go and chat to the GP or see if you can self refer to a local therapy service. The NHS one where I live is called iapt..I am sure there will be something similar. You have a choice to run or make yourself stronger.

I'm sure this has been said, but you are giving her power by moving.... Don't ever give someone that kind of power over you.

In your subsequent posts it shows you know that moving is not really to your family's future advantage. Don't let her do that.

If on the other hand you simply want a fresh start for your family then do it, but it doesn't sound like the right time...

Perfectly said.

Bless you OP it’s an awful situation for you. I think people really underestimate the power and influence of people like this. I became very good friends with a woman when my youngest was a baby, we became close very quickly and over a period of 4 or 5 years did everything together (being estranged from my family I was very vulnerable and she became like a sister I guess). She was incredibly bitchy about other people and constantly fell out with people. I started to call her out and she really didn’t like it at all, started a terrible smear campaign and involved my primary age children. I lost other friends and it was pretty awful. Over the years she’s continued the pattern of love bombing people and then causing chaos for them many have moved house/ schools because of her.
I moved on with my life and now 15 years later barely see her and I completely ignore her if I do.
It taught me a very valuable lesson never to get that close to someone again.
I’m lucky to have a very happy marriage and wonderful now grown children. My friends are all great too but I’m not on the phone to them multiple times a day like I was with her.
Youre not overreacting, this was a friendship of 30 years and the impact will be massive. Only you know how much influence she has on others.
Don’t knee jerk but you get no medals for staying somewhere out of principle and being unhappy if that’s the case. Grey rock in the meantime is essential I’d say. Sending you a big hug.

This sounds quite overwhelming but I just want to add take it a step at a time. It’ll get easier short term day by day but yes long-term nasty people like this can turn others away from you and just affect your daily mental health. I would explore the moving option. I think everything happens for a reason and it may be worth exploring another area before your forever home. I moved a bit further a few years ago nothing drastic but thought I absolutely loved the area. Now a few years later I can’t wait to leave. Glad I didn’t sacrifice a lot for this move. You never know where life will take you so don’t take unnecessary stress.

On a practical note, is 5 months even long enough for you to sell and have completed on a new property before primary applications have to be submitted in Jan? It wouldnt be around us if you end up in a chain and I'd be worried about not getting into any of the schools i wanted.