To move house and schools due to a broken friendship?

[RedIvy18]

A few months ago I cut a close friend out of my life because she has been really horrible about other people as well as betraying my trust a few years ago. I had just has enough of her attitude and the way she never had anything nice to say about anyone (think stuff along the lines of saying that a friend has had too many kids and can't cope etc, or that another friend doesnt deserve their PHD due to financial help from parents.) I called her out and told her that I dont feel the same about our relationship anymore. She hasn't taken it well and has even refused to let her kids go to the same birthday party as my DH and DS were going to. He husband was horrible to me telling me to never contact them ever again when I offered to give their housekey back.

The problem is that she lives 3 doors down from me and her son will be in my child's year at school (starting Sep '26.) She has a close friend whose son will also be in my DS's year who has blocked me on social media etc since I cut her out (ironically this friend is one of the people ex friend has said the worst stuff about however isn't aware.)

My DS will be an only child and I feel very sad about the fact that school pickups, summer fairs and nativity plays etc will be marred by the presence of ex friend. I just feel that it'll be very uncomfortable. Ex friend already has a child at the school and I wouldn't put it past her to try to turn others against me.

AIBU to want to get away from her and the area, and not have to see her anymore? There are other good schools in our city.

As she's saying things about other people then you know she's not going to be holding back about you!

I don't know how you thought she was going to 'take it well'.

I've moved loads of times so moving wouldn't worry me if you can afford it but it seems an overreaction.

Is there no chance of patching things up?

she may be considering the same thing OP, moving away ? no point you both moving

Why would she? Her child has already started school and she will already have established relationships.

Not sure why you needed to 'call her out' when you didn't agree with her. I wonder whether in future you need to just distance yourself from those who you don't see eye to eye with? Life is much easier without drama.

Moving seems very drastic, how big is the local school? If it isn't tiny I'd just go and get on with your life. Anyone with half a brain won't listen to her gossip and you can make your own friends.

I’m sorry I know how unpleasant this feels but I think this is a huge overreaction.

This sort of enmity cannot last that long. She won’t be able to keep this up indefinitely and it will burn itself out. The word “resilience” gets over used but part of what resilience entails is learning over time that things that used to cause you anxiety no longer do.

There will come a point where you will both find some perspective on this and it will fade into the background. You will feel foolish if you have sold your house and moved to get away from this.

I also think it’s a fairly bad message to send your kids that if you have beef with someone or something causes you discomfort or anxiety uproot your whole life over it. Unless obviously you are being bullied or threatened. It won’t help them build their emotional resources at all.

This will pass and it isn’t worth the drama of changing your whole life over.

Well done @RedIvy18 on calling out behaviour that isn’t acceptable to you. That’s really hard to do.

understandably you’re concerned about the repercussions. This woman is taking up a lot of your head space. She doesn’t seem deserving of that does she? Your children, family, other firends, work if you do it, hobbies, world politics….whatever… are all far more deserving of your thoughts and headspace than her. can you try and minimise her as much as you can in your head. She’s just a person in a planet of billions. Try not to give her the power if you can.

YANBU @RedIvy18 and I'd look to move, given the close nature of your friendship it's possible she'll indeed try and poison and both about you for years to anyone who'll listen and the worry of it will get you down.

Yes, if you had no choices you'd have to get on with it, but I can see why you'd want to move.

Just in general, as the veteran of many social mistakes, I'd really work hard in future not to fall out with parent groups etc for exactly this reason that even if you feel justified, you end up making your own life harder/more awkward and slow death/distancing is usually better than big fall.

I can see why you did it though x

But you don't tell your dc you're moving due to this - it's just time to look for that next step house.

dunno - I aint in her head, nor am I belligerent

Can't help wondering why you didn't just graduly be less available to this woman rather than have a drastic fall out. It really isn't necessary as an adult to do what you did. In any event you need to see school as an opportunity for your ds and be less invested in it as part of your social life. I think it might well be tricky to move now but only you can tell if it is practical to move him now.

This is why you don't make friends with neighbours. If you fall out with them then you have to still live by them .

I can completely understand this in fact. I have a not dissimilar situation. Years ago, in another life I had to go down the disciplinary route for a colleague I line managed. Ten years on and his son is in the same preschool as mine. He (the man) is lovely to me: his wife is foul and it’s a tiny rural setting. I’ve purposefully chosen the other school to theirs. She is the sort who would (for instance) not invite my ds to a class party or event.

I know - shouldn’t matter but it does and I don’t want my children made miserable because of it. So I do understand.

I think you should have said you feel uncomfortable about her behaviour, but that you didn't want to be friends any more. I think most people would be upset by that as there's no coming back from it.

Moving house costs thousands
Tens of thousands of pounds

So move if and when it fits in with your life plans but not because of one toxic woman. She will be like that with others, not just you so not everyone will belive her.

I read the title and was going to say 'don't be ridiculous '.

But if you plan to move at some stage and your son hasn't actually started school yet, now is the time to do it.

The trouble is once you start him in the school you are stuck without much more disruption to his life.

I personally wouldn't worry too much about primary schools. It is often more about a good feeling for the place than anything on paper. Some ranked outstanding might well be if your child is academically successful but less so if they need support.

If it's a headache you can avoid for the next six years, take the opportunity to move on while it exists.

There's a difference between not being friends anymore and someone making an active enemy of you. If it's the later, it isn't worth the stress.

it's a 30 year plus friendship and woman lives 3 doors down. Not just the same as a falling out with a random friend.

I agree about primaries - sometimes ones that have a good rep don't suit your child, and good friendships amongst kids, being accepted and supported can make ALL the difference.

I don't have any anxiety and if @RedIvy18 was not planning to move anyway, and it wasn't a v close friend and neighbour it would be different.

This is one of those situations where if you haven’t encountered a person like the friend, then moving house and choosing a different school all sounds very dramatic and over the top.

I’ve had an experience similar to @lilacfield and I wish I’d chosen a different school.

My DC experienced the lack of invitations to whole class party or exclusion from group play dates and meet ups. I was “forgot” to be included in a couple of WhatsApp groups (I wasn’t too upset about that ), I took some items in for a school fayre and discovered them in a bag thrown at the back of the hall, etc. All really petty stuff when you say it out loud, but it grinds you down.

The woman didn’t choose civil and polite indifference, she chose to actively seek to exclude my DC and me from school life and the children’s friendship group wherever she could.

I’d choose another school.

@SauviGone - you too? It’s crazy. I was trying to explain to DH the other day and as you say it sounds so petty but it isn’t, it’s really unpleasant.

We have a choice of two schools, both good and both seem pleasant enough so it’s not really a big deal to just send DS to the one her son isn’t going to. I can completely see why the OP is considering this.

@ohno2024 in an ideal world I would have been able to talk to her about her behaviour and she would have made changes. But I know her so well after 30 years - she would have seen the feedback as an affront and would have gone behind my back. She is vicious about anyone who 'crosses' her. We would have ended up with the same rift as now. I have so little trust and faith in her nowadays. It's really sad!

When I called her out on her spiteful behaviour she basically said 'this is who I am, people know I'm like this. I don't care what people say about me, I'm sure they are all taking about me behind my back anyway'. Such an unhealthy mindset and none it is true of course as although she is known as being a bit dramatic nobody close to her knows the unforgivable nature of what she has been saying about them. Also, I know she definitely cares about what people think.

It sounds like it's very early days since you've stopped being friends, so it will all feel very new, raw, and uncertain. Honestly it'll change.

Don't make any knee-jerk decisions.

You talk about already having plans to move to a forever home. Is this in a different school catchment area? Did you plan to move within the current catchment area?

If your plan is to move to a new school then focus on that. Otherwise find a way to make being at the same school work. Perhaps in time you can be back on nodding terms or have a chat with your old friend and try to smooth things over, without restarting the close friendship you used to have. She's probably feeling uncomfortable / attacked and needs to lick her wounds.

@Thepartnersdesk I agree with you about primary schools however we are in an unusual position as we are in Wales and the school that I want to send my DS to is a Welsh medium school. They are very oversubscribed and quite few and far between. I'm not sure that we would be able to move in time to the correct catchment for another one.
We have an excellent English medium school in our area too but I feel that I couldn't deprive my DS of the gift of a second language just because of ex friend. I myself went to Welsh school and have greatly benefitted from it (jobs, opportunities etc.) My DS's nursery is Welsh medium and he loves it, plus they do wraparound for the school. Logistically it would be tricky to move him and he would definitely be aware, although granted he wouldn't remember long term. The school DS is set to go to has 2 classes in each year and ex friends child will definitely be in the other class due to age, so there's that.

@Secondguess to be honest we would like to stay in the same catchment as we love the area. There is a small chance that the house of our dreams might tempt us away but it's unlikely.

Yep it is recent. I could definitely be civil and would be happy with being on the terms that you have described. It's just that I know her so well and I have very little faith that she will be reasonable about it, even long term.

I'd just ride it out as uncomfortable as it can be

Last year I had to cut contact with a friend I was very very close to as I found out she had gotten my DD9 to lie to me. Our children used to have frequent sleep overs, always at each others houses ect

She went on a full rampage and went around saying awful things about me to people. I spent a year stood on my own in the wchool yard whilst she was with another group of mums

But, these people can never behave well for long and she has since been booted from the group for starting trouble with all of them lot / telling lies about them ( I know cause 2 of them approached me about it )

I'd ride it out others will see her true colours soon enough

@Disastrouspottytraining probably not enough time no. Our house is unlikely to be within FTB reach so we would definitely be embroiled in a chain on both sides!

So you want to stay in catchment, you'll likely have to see her at school, so actually the only benefit of moving wood be not to have her in your street?

Ok, not as easy a decision as I'd thought!