To move house and schools due to a broken friendship?

[RedIvy18]

A few months ago I cut a close friend out of my life because she has been really horrible about other people as well as betraying my trust a few years ago. I had just has enough of her attitude and the way she never had anything nice to say about anyone (think stuff along the lines of saying that a friend has had too many kids and can't cope etc, or that another friend doesnt deserve their PHD due to financial help from parents.) I called her out and told her that I dont feel the same about our relationship anymore. She hasn't taken it well and has even refused to let her kids go to the same birthday party as my DH and DS were going to. He husband was horrible to me telling me to never contact them ever again when I offered to give their housekey back.

The problem is that she lives 3 doors down from me and her son will be in my child's year at school (starting Sep '26.) She has a close friend whose son will also be in my DS's year who has blocked me on social media etc since I cut her out (ironically this friend is one of the people ex friend has said the worst stuff about however isn't aware.)

My DS will be an only child and I feel very sad about the fact that school pickups, summer fairs and nativity plays etc will be marred by the presence of ex friend. I just feel that it'll be very uncomfortable. Ex friend already has a child at the school and I wouldn't put it past her to try to turn others against me.

AIBU to want to get away from her and the area, and not have to see her anymore? There are other good schools in our city.

How do so many people on MN fall out with so many other people? I can't think of a single person I have fallen out with on such a massive scale that I would ever consider moving house. I did have a falling out with my ex best friend (who I have known for over 50 years), and I will never speak to her again, or forgive her. However, even if she lived next door to me I wouldn't move, I would just ignore her and get on with my own life.

This all sounds a bit dramatic to me.

I would too, if it was just me. Very different when it impacts on your children though. And I don’t know why you’re saying ‘how do people on MN fall out with so many people’ when you go on to admit you fell out with one person - same as the OP

Yep, same happened to me 3 years ago, she moves in the same circles and it has been absolutely draining, I wasn't in the position to uproot and move then but now I can, so I am, if you can, just go, these toxic people just thrive of lies and misery.

Get treatment for your anxiety.
Only move if you find an absolutely perfect house and you can get the best price for your current house.

I would try and speak to the friend that has blocked you and say why you cut the other friend off. She may change her mind about you.

Don’t do anything hasty. What I will say is that I think you know when there’s a situation where there’s no going back. I certainly do. So give yourself a bit of time and then decide.

You know her best…if you feel like moving is the best call…trust your guts.

Similar happened to me 2 years ago. Her daughter was going to the same local school as mine and we bumped into each other at a birthday party. I tried to be friendly but it was horribly awkward. Ended up choosing a different school (for various reasons) before she started and I’m actually very glad. Like you say it would just mark all the special events

Do you have written proof that your ex friend said nasty things about her other friends? If so share these with those women because ex friend has probably told them you said those things. I don't think it's worth moving house if you want your son to go to this school.

I agree.
I’ve had friendships that have faded out and others that go through peaks and troughs… but these big bust ups all seem a bit dramatised ‘Eastenders’ to be.
It’s not how I’d live.
And in answer to the OP, relocating your entire life is a massive overreaction imo. Madness.

I honestly agree with this. I was the child.

I had to politely decline a party DD was invited to in nursery (age 3) as we had other plans. From then on I was glared at, blanked, called a cunt as I walked past the mum and her friends, loudly talked about, frozen out of meet ups and probably more that I've forgotten.
The nursery was attached to the primary school I went to and as we both had younger DC there too, this went on for 9 years.
9 fucking years for a "thank you so much but we can't make it".
I was new to the village so this was absolutely horrific tbh.

If you feel you will not lose out on anything that is important to you and your family if you move, then go.

Like many of the previous posters who’ve said move I have similar experience and know just how difficult that type of person can make life if they want to.

Her living only a few doors away makes that even more likely.

You’re actually in a strong position for a couple of reasons.

• You’ve dissolved a friendship that’s toxic vs letting it continue - once you’re in the small world of primary school you’d be associated with her and there’s no way people won’t see her as a untrustworthy (at best) or nasty (at worst) gossip. At least you won’t be tarred with the same brush.

• You’ve already learned how to get yourself out of toxic situations - it often takes a school gates situation for women to learn this slowly and painfully but you’ve already done it.

• Move if you want to but even if you don’t have a big fall out like this, there’s always the random weird parents that leave kids out etc.

• You might actually make friends with people that prefer to not be friends with the toxic ones - and she’ll certainly show herself up. The other people in your group probably do realise what horrible things she says about people because she’ll have said the same about others and also you!

• Also - maybe she’ll leave you alone if she doesn’t want you to tell the others what she’s said. Probably not, but possible!

@Noonooo I don't have written proof no, but I know lots of things about people that I would only know if ex friend had told me. I don't really want to get into the whole business of telling everyone what she has said about them as it would be upsetting for them (due to the nature of what she has said), it also just isn't who I am, plus a part of me doesn't want to totally destroy ex friend's relationship with others.
We have a mutual friends from high school who we would meet up with from time to time and interestingly almost all of them have told me that she is horrible about people and that they understand my position. She is also already gossiping about people at school so I'm sure people there will realise what she is like.

@jack80 I could but I'm in a really difficult situation where I don't really want to cross a line of telling this person what ex friend has said as some of the stuff is awful and upsetting. The irony is we used to be very close but grew apart due to me moving away plus she has had 3 kids in the meantime. Her and ex friend became close while I lived away from our hometown. We had just started catching up again as our kids will be in the same class. Part of me is also disappointed in this person for taking one side of the story, I'm wondering whether she is worth bothering with. Such a tricky situation!

Moving does seem a bit extreme. Obviously you can't keep moving house every time you have a fall out with someone. I've kind of learnt over time not to get too friendly with people who live practically on my doorstep because if/when it goes wrong it always gets awkward because you can't really avoid them. Bit like dating people who live on your doorstep really. I have a neighbour I really quite fancied when I first moved in and we could easily have been more than just neighbours but I maintained that boundary because I was always mindful that if it didn't work out it was going to be really awkward for both of us. Not that any of this of course helps you now unfortunately.

Always be wary of people who slag other people off to you. One thing you can always be sure of is that people who gossip to you about others behind their backs won't hesitate to do the same to you.

@CosmicDaisyChain I became friends with this person at primary school 30 years ago and she moved to my street (after I did) 3 years ago so being her neighbour and friend at that time couldn't be helped!

Well done OP on removing this so-called friend.
I can understand your anxieties but also think you would be best to stand your ground.
This woman is a nightmare and I’m sure that other friends (who I’d say are more like hostages!) wish they could be free of her - but for whatever reason they keep in with her to avoid what she has done to you.
You have a great DH, friends and family - I can already sense a bit of envy from this so-called friend. Add in heaps of low self-esteem - which is not your problem.
Once in the gate, especially at such a young age, kids do actually get on with it. They make their own friends and soon forget instructions about not talking to this boy or girl based on the ramblings of an unhinged parent.
I would bet money that this woman does not have a single friend she has met since school. She sounds like she is still bowling around the playground.
If this school is your choice for your son, send him there.
While it’s awful this woman is breaking confidences let the friends in her company do something about it. Don’t lower yourself. One thing you will want to teach your son is not to give into a bully so don’t cave to this one.
Let her keep digging and carry on having a fabulous life!

Blimey! She sounds like a dream! I know it’s childish but I’d almost be inclined to tell the other friend what she has said about her. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to want to move away as this kind of toxic behaviour can really impact your life. Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best.

If it were me I’d move, I mean if you have the time and means which it sounds like you do and you were eventually going to anyway, there are more reasons to do so than not.
I do have to wonder how you didn’t think this would happen though? If, as you say, there was no alternative, then perhaps a move is just an inevitable outcome to the situation.

I don’t think it’s an overreaction to move, if doing so completely mitigates the problem. Just make sure that’s really the case though. I mean, whilst I don’t disagree with what you did, you didn’t seem to think it through.

This!!!

As an adult you should not be having this kind of drama , that has this kind of an impact on you and your whole family.

The issue is OP if you move and fall out with your new neighbours - your instinct will be to run away again.

You’re worrying about something that has not even happened yet and that is your anxiety talking. You can’t out run a mental health condition.

If moving now will cause a financial strain id probably start building a ‘polite’ bridge with her. It will make life a million times easier for you. So what if it looks like your backing down - your mental health whilst you wait to move is worth more.

Keep your friends close but your enemy’s closer rings true here.

I agree that as an adult I shouldn't be involved in this much drama, and I never have been until now, but I think that her actions have caused this rather than mine. If she had just been nice about people and not said those awful things none of this would have happened.
I find it interesting when people criticise my approach as I don't feel that I had any choice but to initiate a clean break (I was as diplomatic and mature as I could be whole doing this) from the relationship. Due to the proximity of our homes, the fact that pur kids will being to the same school and the fact that we have mutual friends it would have been impossible to fade out of her life. The process of fading out would definitely have riled her too and I would have put up with her vitriol either way.
I don't know what else I could have done, I certainly wasn't going to continue putting up with her behaviour. The whole thing is a mess and very sad.