To be really honest about what I need while he's away

[rodeoson]

My partner is in the process of launching a business. We've been together 5 months and spend a lot of time together.

He has to go to India for 6 weeks for various business meetings in early Aug. I am flying out there once in the middle for a week, to see him.

We had dinner last night and he said that he's going to be really tied up while he's there, and that he needed to manage expectations that he won't be in touch as much as usual. He said his schedule of meeting suppliers and clients etc,were going to need to take priority and he'll be quieter than usual. He'll also be staying with his business partner and driving around to different cities with him and I know they'll be very busy. He will of course make time for me while I'm there, although will still be busy with work.

Now, just to clarify, this is absolutely true and there's no element here of me thinking that it's a lie or thinking he's hiding something. I know enough about the plans for the launch to know this is valid, and I trust him implicitly.

It was also said kindly and in a way that indicated he didn't want me to be upset or disappointed at the change in pace of our usual communication. When he said it, he made it very clear that if I had any thoughts of worries about it, we should chat about it.

There are two questions here:

1. AIBU to be honest that I'd like to find a way to manage it so that I don't feel completely forgotten for 6 weeks, rather than pretending to be totally cool with it?

2. If yes, what are some suggestions that I could put to him? I don't want to make demands on his time and resources but I am only human and definitely would feel sad to barely hear from him for 6 weeks, vs the multiple times a day we talk now. I don't want to cajole him into contacting me on a schedule under duress, of course, but he's the sort of person who'd be really open to suggestions to make it easier on us both.

Despite how this posts sounds, I'm not particularly needy or insecure but I also don't want to be disingenuous and "pick me", when there's an opportunity to find a good middle ground. Furthermore he's (dare I say...) a typical man so he probably needs to be pointed in the right direction for how to handle it, rather than me just saying it's fine and hoping he'll figure it out.

I'm going to be very tied up myself while he's gone as I work in summer camps for kids, so I won't be waiting by the phone or anything.

OP I'm not really getting the problem here. He's going to be really busy for six weeks so he'll be in contact less. I'm sure he won't be working 24/7 and will be able to Facetime you in the evening after his meetings.

I know you said there's no chance of it being anything but genuine and I'm not saying it's not. However, I do think he's overestimating how busy he'll be - he's seriously anticipating he won't have time for you - a few texts a day, hell 1 text a day!! a phone call.

I know my DH would make time because it's important to him.

If he's genuinely not got time to fit you in then how is he finding time to eat or pee... surely there'll be time when he's travelling, time when he's having a quick bite to eat. Fair enough, there might be the odd day that schedules clash and you can't chat for long but I don't buy that he won't have time at all for the duration of his trip.

Honestly, after five months he’s not your partner or anywhere near, he’s a fairly new boyfriend. Surely you don’t need to schedule things to this extent? He’s going to be busy and on the road a lot, plus you’re already flying out for a week in the middle of his six-week absence.

My partner and I often communicate in pictures if one of us goes away/is busy on a trip. I find it nice as it’s an insight into their day without them having to stop to type something out. For example I’d send a picture of me having a coffee or on the beach, and he’d send a pic in work/a meeting with crying emoji 🤣

It’s simple and quick but helps me feel like we’re up to date with each other

You have been with him 5 months and he will be away for the next 6 weeks.
He is not a partner, get a grip.
Why do you feel you have to visit?

He sounds ambitious and hard-working,which is good.
I cannot grasp why you think it's a sensible idea to go out and see him when he's so busy. Just concentrate on your own life, see him when he gets back and go away together when he's less busy. It's only six weeks.

Or he's going to India to get married and preparing you for no contact while he's celebrating and going on a honeymoon.

I second sending pictures. My OH has been working away quite a bit and we do this.

Otherwise there’s face time and WhatsApp to keep up to date.

Only just saw that it's quite a new relationship - I guess that is why you are stressing a bit.

My partner travels sometimes for his work and would be fine with less contact than me, so basically I just ask him for the minimum that will stop me worrying (which is to send me a text when he gets to somewhere new so I know he has arrived safe, and a goodnight text every night (I don't mean just saying "good night" - quick update on how he is before he goes to sleep, bit of love and affection etc.)

He actually often sends more than this each day, but that is enough for me to know he is safe and thinking about me occasionally!

Because I have spelt it out clearly, and it's a reasonable request, he is happy to comply. Most people are, when you make it clear what you need and your requests are reasonable.

Why don't you just say to your boyfriend, can you try and send a goodnight text each night? If he says he is too busy to do that, that is a little implausible.... One text a day will show you he is safe and thinking about you, and is not too much to ask. He may well be able to text much more than this, but at least you will have established a base line expectation.....

Sorry to say this but I don’t think I’d want someone I’d only known for 5 months to fly out to visit me in the middle of a business trip if I was launching a new business. It sounds too full on and a potential recipe for disaster.

I think it’s healthy to not put all your eggs in one basket. (In terms of your precious time).

It seems over-wrought and angst ridden to be planning your communications with him in advance, technology is great like pp said he can FaceTime you or whatever.

If you’re going to be busy anyway what exactly is the issue. It sounds suffocating. I appreciate you say you’re not waiting by the phone but does everything revolve around your relationship with him now?

🚩 red flag 🚩

Telling her to "get a grip" is a bit unnecessary. Lots of people go a bit OTT in the first flush of new love....

I wouldn’t either. When I’m on full work mode on a big project, I’m consumed with it, and just want to be left alone. If I were in another country for six weeks to do something specific, I’d resent the hell out of a newish boyfriend showing up for a week out of the six, in fact I’d never have proposed it, or gone along with it if my boyfriend had proposed it. And if he was raking up a working week, I’d be really irritated at having him set me out a schedule for comms while I was away.

If he’s so busy he’s not going to be in touch much, surely he hasn’t got time to take a week out to do tourist stuff with you in the middle, OP? Whose idea was this?

@Ilovelurchers
She has known him 20 weeks and is a partner?
She is imposing on a busy business start-up?
Yes, get a grip!

A good morning text and a quick chat at night, sounds about right to me.

Not sure what the time difference is though?

As it’s such a new relationship I wouldn’t be flying out, it’s 6 weeks, just text/ring as and when but crack on with your plans back home. I don’t think you need to tell him how to handle contacting you, if he’s capable of setting up a business he’s capable of dropping you a call or contacting you when he’s free.

AIBU to be honest that I'd like to find a way to manage it so that I don't feel completely forgotten for 6 weeks, rather than pretending to be totally cool with it?

To be honest I can’t see anything in what you’ve written about what he said that indicates there’s any risk you’ll be “completely forgotten about” and required to “be totally cool” with that.

It sounds like he said he’d be pretty flat out but would make the effort to ensure he’s still in touch, but it just won’t be as often as your current fairly high level of comms.

So maybe the most important thing for you to do is to think about whether you have a tendency to over-dramatize and create issues where none exist.

Just see how it goes and if you find you’re going too long without hearing from him (days, rather than
hours would be reasonable, I suggest) then raise it at the time that you’d appreciate a higher level of contact if he can manage it.

Yes, problem is when travelling, the time zones don’t really match up. When it’s morning in India eg 7.30am, it’s 3am in the UK. Evening time eg 10pm in India, it’s 5.30pm in the UK. Evening time for you, he’ll be asleep in bed.

He’ll be really busy and needing to make the most of meeting people face to face, and not always in charge of his own schedule. I definitely wouldn’t plan on being able to talk each day - maybe try to make a conversation 3 times a week? And texts - depends what he’s like. He may well be able to send the odd message but I’d say something like “ping me with how it’s going, would love to hear what you’re up to, send me pics of where you are if you can. I will drop you messages but don’t feel you need to get back to me straight away - I know you’re on another time zone and busy”. I’d maybe say “don’t let more than a couple of days go by without pinging me” or something like that.

Get him to send voice notes - that way you feel in the loop without needing to be free at the same time, and saves any difficulties with time zones.
When you visit, agree to spend part of each day together (lunch/dinner/activity) rather than taking over the whole day. Plan things you want to do yourself while he is working.

I think @CheekyHobson has the best response here.

You sound reasonable and mature and so does he.

This.
It is really bizarre to go out there when he is busy and out there for work.

But I'm not sure - even if it were a long term relationship - why you need to 'schedule' your contact.
I mean, it is 2024. It isn't difficult to have a WhatsApp chat where you can chat when it is convenient for you, and he can respond / send you messages when it is convenient for him. It's not like it is the 1970s when you would have to arrange a time for a phone call, or wait for a letter.

Once he's been there a week or two he will probably settle into a bit more of a routine and it might be you find you can 'sync' yourselves for video calls, but you'll have to play it by ear until he knows more details of what he will be doing, at the times you are available.

I travel a lot for work, leaving my DH and DC at home. Work travel can be BUSY and stressful. Sometimes I'll get to the end of the day and realise I haven't texted anyone at home - and then timezone differences mean I've lost my chance for that day. It's not that I don't care about my family, it's that I've been go-go-go all day, in meetings, on the phone, trying to meet deadlines and sort presentations, liaising with my team back at head office, writing up my notes - just in constant cognitive motion.
It doesn't mean I don't care about my family. OP I think he's done the right thing to prepare you for his potential reduced contact and attention. Business travel isn't like working from home. It can be super exhausting and all-consuming and there just isn't the brain space to make sure the emotional needs of a new partner are catered to.

Have to say I agree with others that he’s not a partner yet and that it’s OTT to visit him in the middle of a business trip.

What is your ideal amount of contact?

OP- I understand. I recall someone telling me- 'you've only been with him 1 yr and your expectations are too much!'

Our expectations were indeed very different. At about 9mths into the relationship, he went to visit relatives abroad. He was only away 1 week, but I expected at least a text 'I arrived ok'. Not daily calls by any means, but at least some form of contact! I heard nothing the entire week.

In hindsight, our thoughts and expectations in the early months of dating were just different and we were at different stages in the relationship. We've now been together 25yrs!

DH used to attend conferences abroad, but max 1 week. I'd busy myself looking up local museums, things to do in the area etc in the day and where we could, meet for dinner. I'd suggest you do the same. If you are really set on going to visit him, make yourself busy in the day so you aren't sitting in a hotel alone!
Read up on tripadvisor and check other touristy/off the beaten track things to do in the day yourself.

I do, however, feel it a bit odd that you've chosen to join him on his work trip after only 5mths! Why not just have a holiday together at another time when you can actually spent quality time to get to know each other and he won't be in work mode?

My DP has done some work trips in India and it was just a message or two each day. The time difference is something like 4.5 or 5.5 hours difference. So if he were to message you before starting work it would likely be about 03:30 or 04:30 uk time.

in India it was not uncommon for him to be taken out to dinner after work (19:00 or 20:00 in India is middle of working day in uk) so it would either be a quick message in between him finishing work/ getting out of the shower before going to dinner or a message before sleeping after getting back from the meal.

the time difference combined with the need to spend time with clients means that other things do take a backseat. But we managed fine with one or two messages each day.

maybe you could make sure you’ve got things planned for yourself while he is away if you feel that you may find it difficult to be out of contact