To be really honest about what I need while he's away

[rodeoson]

My partner is in the process of launching a business. We've been together 5 months and spend a lot of time together.

He has to go to India for 6 weeks for various business meetings in early Aug. I am flying out there once in the middle for a week, to see him.

We had dinner last night and he said that he's going to be really tied up while he's there, and that he needed to manage expectations that he won't be in touch as much as usual. He said his schedule of meeting suppliers and clients etc,were going to need to take priority and he'll be quieter than usual. He'll also be staying with his business partner and driving around to different cities with him and I know they'll be very busy. He will of course make time for me while I'm there, although will still be busy with work.

Now, just to clarify, this is absolutely true and there's no element here of me thinking that it's a lie or thinking he's hiding something. I know enough about the plans for the launch to know this is valid, and I trust him implicitly.

It was also said kindly and in a way that indicated he didn't want me to be upset or disappointed at the change in pace of our usual communication. When he said it, he made it very clear that if I had any thoughts of worries about it, we should chat about it.

There are two questions here:

1. AIBU to be honest that I'd like to find a way to manage it so that I don't feel completely forgotten for 6 weeks, rather than pretending to be totally cool with it?

2. If yes, what are some suggestions that I could put to him? I don't want to make demands on his time and resources but I am only human and definitely would feel sad to barely hear from him for 6 weeks, vs the multiple times a day we talk now. I don't want to cajole him into contacting me on a schedule under duress, of course, but he's the sort of person who'd be really open to suggestions to make it easier on us both.

Despite how this posts sounds, I'm not particularly needy or insecure but I also don't want to be disingenuous and "pick me", when there's an opportunity to find a good middle ground. Furthermore he's (dare I say...) a typical man so he probably needs to be pointed in the right direction for how to handle it, rather than me just saying it's fine and hoping he'll figure it out.

I'm going to be very tied up myself while he's gone as I work in summer camps for kids, so I won't be waiting by the phone or anything.

No matter how busy he is work wise he will still be going back to his hotel/accommodation every night to sleep. There’s no excuse for him to not be expected to catch up with you before bed.

Yes some nights he might be too tired for a long FaceTime or phone call but a goodnight catch up message with photos and questions for you to reply to is a reasonable level of communication.

If my husband demanded I contact every day when I say I am busy I would say every few days is fair

No I would not feel the need to contact him every night just because he has issues, so if it was reversed I would not expect this of him

For those who commented on me saying "partner", I originally wrote "boyfriend" but then decided that sounded wrong as I'm 46. Then I wrote "man I'm seeing" but that sounded too casual. I also considered "lover" but I thought that might be a bit too descriptive....

It's really just semantics. I didn't expect it to cause such controversy.

Haha this is mumsnet! 🤣

I think we should all just adopt “lover”. Or, as mumsnet would have it, DL.

^ this

you’re future faking yourself @rodeoson

you wave him off, say have a great time, catch you at some point and see you in a few weeks.

Time difference can make it difficult. Ask him to send you a voice note when he’s getting ready in the morning and you do the same.

Blimey, this poor chap!
He's only going for 6 weeks and he'll be super busy.
Why do you have to set out any "needs"? What's wrong with saying "I hope it all goes really well, and I'm looking forward to seeing you when you get back"?

You've only been together for 5 months! He'll be busy: he's explained this thoroughly. If he's thinking about you, he'll be in contact.

YABU. You do actually sound a bit needy.

Make sure you've got something to keep you very busy while he's away!

I wouldn’t bother visiting given you haven’t been together long plus the fact he said he will be so busy, seems a waste of money and time to go out there
see what happens when he gets back x

You say you speak multiple times a day just now so i would simply ask him what his idea of less communication looks like to start with. If it means only once or twice a day i think that is more than reasonable given time differences etc. If he means less than this then you just need to be honest about your expectations

All these brutal posts calling her needy etc are awful! If you’re used to speaking to someone multiple times a day consistently for 5 months then this will clearly be a big change, stop trying to shame her for having completely normal feelings.

He sounds like a very emotionally intelligent man who cares about your feelings. All I can suggest is to be open & honest, there is nothing wrong with having a rough idea on how often he feels he can communicate. You sound like a reasonable person who understands his work commitment & isn’t expecting constant contact.

As for everyone calling you clingy & saying you need to calm down & shouldn’t be expecting anything - if I had been with someone for 5 months & they didn’t give two hoots about not speaking to me for 6 weeks I would be reassessing things, I would also be questioning my feelings if I didn’t care either 😂

I think in your situation, I'd make it clear that just a whatsapp/text most days to let you know he's alive etc, will do.

Be very specific, you're NOT looking for a real-time conversation/phone call... I think when people say 'I haven't got time' they do not mean 'I haven't got time to drop you a Whatsapp saying 'im here, itls hot, how are ya?'

They're saying they don't have time to facetime, have a real-time chat about all sorts, and they're worried a brief whatsapp/text makes the recipient think they are available for that, which will then lead to awkwardness and upset as they're not.

Way too early to worry about it. Say nothing and see how it unfolds. 3 and 2 weeks with one with you is hardly an extensive break. If you say anything it makes you sound insecure and rushing things.