To be really honest about what I need while he's away

[rodeoson]

My partner is in the process of launching a business. We've been together 5 months and spend a lot of time together.

He has to go to India for 6 weeks for various business meetings in early Aug. I am flying out there once in the middle for a week, to see him.

We had dinner last night and he said that he's going to be really tied up while he's there, and that he needed to manage expectations that he won't be in touch as much as usual. He said his schedule of meeting suppliers and clients etc,were going to need to take priority and he'll be quieter than usual. He'll also be staying with his business partner and driving around to different cities with him and I know they'll be very busy. He will of course make time for me while I'm there, although will still be busy with work.

Now, just to clarify, this is absolutely true and there's no element here of me thinking that it's a lie or thinking he's hiding something. I know enough about the plans for the launch to know this is valid, and I trust him implicitly.

It was also said kindly and in a way that indicated he didn't want me to be upset or disappointed at the change in pace of our usual communication. When he said it, he made it very clear that if I had any thoughts of worries about it, we should chat about it.

There are two questions here:

1. AIBU to be honest that I'd like to find a way to manage it so that I don't feel completely forgotten for 6 weeks, rather than pretending to be totally cool with it?

2. If yes, what are some suggestions that I could put to him? I don't want to make demands on his time and resources but I am only human and definitely would feel sad to barely hear from him for 6 weeks, vs the multiple times a day we talk now. I don't want to cajole him into contacting me on a schedule under duress, of course, but he's the sort of person who'd be really open to suggestions to make it easier on us both.

Despite how this posts sounds, I'm not particularly needy or insecure but I also don't want to be disingenuous and "pick me", when there's an opportunity to find a good middle ground. Furthermore he's (dare I say...) a typical man so he probably needs to be pointed in the right direction for how to handle it, rather than me just saying it's fine and hoping he'll figure it out.

I'm going to be very tied up myself while he's gone as I work in summer camps for kids, so I won't be waiting by the phone or anything.

For all those asking, he invited me to India! I have friends there anyway and have been a few times so he suggested coming out to visit while he's there. He's much more forward than me on this stuff. It is funny that the MN (and world....) perception is always that it's the woman who's pushy and clingy.

When DH is working and travelling and very busy, it's more about me knowing he's safe.

So a good morning message, he usually messages/calls in the break after work before food, and lastly a message to know he's safe at hotel for the night.

Definitely not! Far from it. I'm thinking more of "just drop me a line when you get a minute, so I know you're alive".

I'm not looking to put any weird demands on him at all.

I just didn't want to say "nah, it's fine, I don't care if I don't hear from you for the whole time", because that simply wouldn't be true.

I think he's explained the situation very well tbh. You cannot really push for more without sounding a bit needy. Hopefully his plans all work out.

Right, so you’ve answered your own question, without taking to the internet!

I'm genuinely not. He is much more of a texter and communicator than me, which is why it definitely gave me pause for thought when he raised this.

I originally was very happy he'd raised it and thought he was just a fantastic communicator but on reflection, I know he had a very demanding ex girlfriend and I think likely she would've needed managing in this way, which is maybe why he took this approach with me.

@Testina, I answered it having read and considered all the responses here and taken time to think about it. Isn't that the point of these forums?

My DH and I started dating 6 weeks before he went to work in the US for a year. We’ve been married for over 30 years. During this time he’s worked away frequently. Time differences do make phoning more than once a day a bit difficult. I wouldn’t really expect more than that, but it’s similar at home because we’d only be in touch during working hours if it was something important about DC or aged parents.

I agree I'm afraid. You've hardly been together any time at all. Just don't think about expectations and go with the flow. If each of you does their own thing just see how it is when he gets back. You or he may or may not feel differently anyway. He's going to be away for nearly a third of the time you've been together. I wouldn't be flying out there either.

My DH goes away a lot and has very busy, long days. He'll start early then have meetings all day. Usually have about 20 mins to freshen up then a long working dinner.
We usually don't have calls (maybe one call every few days). To be honest, I don't mind as I don't particularly enjoy phone calls!
However he'll text maybe a few times a day. Just a few words "How's your day going?", "I'm exhausted", photo of his breakfast - that kind of thing!
It only takes a few seconds but it makes me feel like we're in touch and that he's thinking of me.
If you're partner can do the same it won't take more than a few minutes a day but you'll feel better for it.
I certainly wouldn't expect lots of calls. Often there's not much downtime and when there is, they need a bit of quiet after talking all day.

It isn't about you being pushy or clingy OP, but he's working, and in a different time. He's financing his own trip so will want to make the best use of every day.

He'll probably be tied up between 3am UK time and 2pm. So you could reasonably expect a quick call at 2pm before he goes out to eat or maybe 7ish before he sleeps.

Even when you are in India, he'll likely have meetings so it's good you have friends out there to spend time with.

People who have the drive to set up their own companies are usually very hard working and absorbed so this will be a good chance for you to see how he is likely to behave in future.

Okay, so he's been trained by a prevoius girlfriend to be nervous. Great, you just say, "oh, I know, you're busy. Message me when you can- a daily message so I know you're alive and thinking of me is great. If we're both online at the same time, brilliant, but with timezones I know that might not happen a lot! Oh , and send pictures! xx"

Absolutely this. I feel sorry for him, that he has felt the need for this conversation. Poor soul. When my DP worked off shore I got a weekly call. If one of us went away, a post card arrived after they got home 🤣 Lighten up OP, do your own thing.

My now husband went away for 12 weeks to camp American around a similar time (5 months in). I got 2 phone calls in the entire time 😂😂😂. It was the early 2000’s but I coped and hand wrote letters to him as he didn’t have internet access (remember those days!).

you’ll cope is my point… the recent expectations of connection and communication are sometimes totally unreasonable but are that way because it is more accessible.

you've had a conversation, he has managed your expectations, you know he will be busy and you will be visiting. If you hadn’t discussed then that would be a problem.

i love the idea of picture texts but don’t specify how many a day - it will be the mental workload alongside the running about that will be exhausting. During the time he is away catch up with friends, have some self care around work but do cut him some slack. If he is a keeper he needs to do this to grow his business.

I know he had a very demanding ex girlfriend and I think likely she would've needed managing in this way, which is maybe why he took this approach with me.

🤮 beware the man who talks about “demanding” girlfriends that they’ve “managed”. You sound very young.

I suspect if you over engineer it it will become a chore.

It might sound petty but I think I would make it clear that I won’t be waiting around for him- if he says that he’s likely to be busy just respond likewise, yeah babe I know, me too, I don’t think I’ll catch a breath until September.

I think this is an excellent chance for him to see if he misses you and you to see how much/ if you miss him. I’d definitely be dropping him chatty/ funny messages occasionally just letting him know what I’ve been up to (ideally with many handsome guys about), but leaving it to him to be in touch with me. If the instinct isn’t there then you can learn from that.

You did seem a bit clingy though, calling him a partner when you've been together 5 months and talking about what you need him from him whilst he's away for a few weeks.

If you had said your boyfriend was doing this he would have got the same response.

OP I don't think you sound pushy/clingy. It's natural to wonder how this long trip will affect your very new relationship. There is a book always recommended on MN called why men love bitches- I read it out of curiosity and it has great advice on situations like this. The advice would be not to ask for anything but just very breezily and casually state your expectations "I'm sure you'll have time for a quick check- in message at some point in the day" then leave it there and see how he acts. As others have said, if he has time to eat/wee he has time to send a quick hi each day. I liked a pps suggestion of leaving each other quick voice notes to narrate how your days went if its difficult to schedule calls. You could model that by starting it (again without directly asking for anything). It sounds like he is great and you've got nothing to worry about, so hopefully the trip will confirm that

I also agree that for lots of people when working away and working hard their mind is fully on the job- so don’t take it personally if he’s not in touch 2/3 times a day- just enjoy your own summer and see how things go.

I would see how it goes. He might well be in touch more than he says anyway (probably will I think!) - let that be the reason you talk more rather than making contact with you a duty? Not a great dynamic yo set up that early in relationship i think. You can always express that later on but i would give it a chance first and see what actually happens

DH has to travel a bit for work, he records video messages for DD and we will find a ten minute slot where we can chat or sometime it’s just a whatsapp.

If I were him I’d be really put off if someone I was seeing decided they were going to fly out to see me while I was working. They would be getting in my way tbh and most likely I’d see them in the morning and in the evening. You are overthinking stuff, a few messages, some facetiming etc is fine.

what do you think is going to happen if you don’t go out to see him or he isn’t in regular contact?

This is perfect! Thank you!!!

I’m lucky to get one text a day when husband is away with work.
I never msg him when I’m away unless it’s a question re the kids.
I think you get used to it after a few times and just accept that it’s a busy time for the other person.

OP I don't think you sound pushy/clingy. It's natural to wonder how this long trip will affect your very new relationship

It’s 6 weeks. 6 weeks. Not 6 months which would be in ‘long trip’ category and anything 3-6mths would be on the longer side of short. Up to 12weeks is pretty much the blink of an eye in the scheme of things.

The perception that you were being ‘pushy and clingy’ came from what you posted/didn’t post on here. You said he said he was going to be too busy to communicate much when away. You’re the one who called him your partner when you’ve been seeing one another for only five months. You’re the one posting on the internet about whether you’re unreasonable to get him to agree on some kind of comms schedule.