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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you have a favourite child?

126 replies

CobaltQueen · 22/07/2024 21:30

I do wonder whether anyone will answer this honestly.
As the scapegoat and the least favoured by my mother, I am interested to read the responses.

OP posts:
SausageinaBun · 22/07/2024 23:20

I don't have a favourite, but I think you can make a conscious choice not to have a favourite. And that's the choice that a good parent would make. I might not be a great parent in lots of respects, but that's a pretty easy thing to do for your children.

TeeBee · 22/07/2024 23:21

Both of mine are my favourites. I adore them both, for different reasons.

WonderingAboutThus · 22/07/2024 23:28

I don't have a favourite; but I do have one that from the very youngest age has often felt that they were loved less/got the smallest part/... even when clearly this objectively isn't true. They just tend to be slightly negative, whereas their sibling is ever positive (and super dramatic and high strung).

I think sometimes it's confirmation bias

PollyPeep · 22/07/2024 23:29

Interesting that people say they don't have a favourite child but that their own parents did (and that it's usually one of their siblings lol). I wonder how much of it is subconscious, so much so that the parent doesn't realise they're doing it but the child does. I think most parents love their children equally but they may identify more / get on with more / connect more with one of their children, simply because some personalities just gel better - regardless of the fact that it's your own offspring.

If you have one child who is spiky, prone to anger and demanding, and one child who is sunny, good humoured and easy going, it would be natural to prefer to spend time with the latter, despite loving them both equally.

Callmemel · 22/07/2024 23:44

JennyBeanR · 22/07/2024 23:19

The parent is unlikely to ever admit this. I've honestly never met anyone with more than 1 child who doesn't have an obvious favorite.

I'm sure if I had more than 1 I would too. This doesn't mean the love is more (although it can be).

I find that surprising. I can't think of any parent that I'm close enough with to have a reasonable insight who seems to favour one child over another.

To say that you've never met any parent who doesn't 'obviously' have a favourite child makes me wonder whether you're seeing things through a particular lens. I say that simply because I'm literally at the other end of the sphere of experience!

Lushers · 22/07/2024 23:46

Nicebloomers · 22/07/2024 21:38

I have a favourite eldest child, a favourite middle child and a favourite youngest child.

This is exactly what I say to my 3 DCs 😂

DumbassHamsterSitterPerson · 22/07/2024 23:46

Sometimes. But it's not always the same child. Sometimes it's not even one of mineWink

Of course I don't really. I love them equally. But sometimes I get on better with one than the other.

My parents do though. Mum's favourite is my brother. Dad's favourite is my step sister.

Leavingonaeasyjetplane · 22/07/2024 23:52

Yes but it's age sleep tantrum related and when no 2. passes though it I might have a new favourite in him as no.1 will be pre teen.
Summary - favouritism in our house is fluid.

MrsPerfect12 · 22/07/2024 23:52

I really don't, I have 3 and think they're all wonderful.

DC2 likes to wind up the youngest by saying he's the favourite. DC1 tells them both I don't like any of them. DC3 claims he's the favourite cos he's the youngest. Dc3 worries about it.

Everydayimhuffling · 22/07/2024 23:53

I don't have a favourite and I don't think my parents did/do either.

I'm interested in the parents who feel that one of their children sees themselves as the less favoured although they are not. It does make me wonder who is correct. If the parent is correct, then I wonder how many adults who feel their parents have a favourite are actually wrong.

stayathomer · 22/07/2024 23:56

No. I’ve 4 and I worry about and appreciate them all in completely different ways and feel bursts of love for all all the time. That’s answering honestly (why do you assume anyone wouldn’t answer honestly?!)

whiteboardking · 22/07/2024 23:56

I am more fond of DC2 as they are sweeter & easier but more in awe of DC1. DC1 though is hard work and always will be due to adhd.DC1 is harder to manage but DC2 lacks energy & self drive ... so really on any given day it changes

Hulllla · 23/07/2024 00:02

I love all my four as much as it's possible to. They are all really nice people so they've made it very easy for me. They are adults now and I still get on brilliantly with all of them. It makes me very happy.

JennyBeanR · 23/07/2024 00:03

@Callmemel perhaps! But to me it looks really obvious.

I can think of several examples, both family and friends. The parents tend to spend more time talking fondly of one child and not the other. The parent may spend more time with one and not the other. In some cases it's more overt and the parents only talk of one child negatively. My own parents favoured my brother, and my brother is very aware of this. We've had very open conversations about it. My partner was always aware that his sister is the favoured child. A good friend obviously favoured her daughter, saw her son as a problem child who she couldn't understand, and so she naturally spent more time on her daughter. I could go on...
I do think in some of these cases that the love is likely the same, but in other's I don't think so. I also think from an evolutionary perspective, it would make sense that parents may naturally favour the child they see as the "fittest" (fittest in survival terms here).

TheFairyCaravan · 23/07/2024 00:17

No I don’t. I adore both my children. I have asked them if they think I have a favourite and they have both said no. My mum definitely did/does. I am the scapegoat. Whatever went wrong in our house, when I was growing up, or even if my parents had a row it was my fault. I didn’t have to be there, it was still my fault, while my younger brother was on a pedestal and my older sister could basically do as she liked. There was no way I was putting my children through that. I’ve never got over the damage my parents, mainly my mother has done to me.

Sonolanona · 23/07/2024 00:39

No favourites.
At different times I have LIKED various children more. I have four children and each have had their challenges growing up... one battled ED, one was a nightmare teen, one is autistic, and it was tough at times but a favourite? No.
I love them all equally and differently because they are very different people.
e?

Daisy12Maisie · 23/07/2024 01:06

No but I was always closer to my second born as he was so affectionate and needed a lot of my attention. My elder one loved to be independent when he was little.
In the teen years my elder boy seemed to need me a lot more. I taught him to drive and I did pretty much everything with him to get his apprentiship. I take every opportunity to visit him and he comes home a lot. We are much closer but he still ignores my texts 🤷‍♀️.
So I love them both the same but the older one just seemed to always value his independence more so we weren't as close. This year he has needed me a lot but I expect that to become less again now as he has most things in place and has a new gf. That's fine and I'll respect it but I'll always go and see him and take him out for dinner at least once a month to keep up the contact.
My younger boy I see every day but now at 15 he is less interested in talking to me so we eat together then I just leave him to it so we are less close than we were. Love them both to bits but I think it's normal to be closer to one than the other at certain times.

memecorinne · 23/07/2024 01:09

I say that I want each one to feel like they're the favorite! But in reality I really do love them all the same. Some annoy me more than others at different times, or stress me out more than others at different times, or have phases where they probably feel like they are the "bad one" but it all evens out and I genuinely love them all the maximum amount of love.

Babyshambles90 · 23/07/2024 01:14

All four of my kids would say one of the others is my favourite, so hopefully that means I don’t have one! I genuinely don’t have a favourite, at times one of them will need me more and it might seem like they are the current fave because they get more attention but it does balance out over time. I’m an only child, but sadly still am not the favourite!! I’m sorry OP, healing from toxic parenting is so hard. It was her fault, not yours - no child deserves to feel that way.

FatmanandKnobbin · 23/07/2024 01:16

I was the least favourite as a kid. My mother told me she never wanted a girl, so sorry for having a vagina I guess 🤣 out of my 2 brothers the youngest was favoured to the point of ridiculousness. We nicknamed him golden balls.

I have been blessed with 2 sons and 4 daughters, and they all have hearty discussions about who my favourite child is, and they all think its someone different. I definitely don't have favourites, we all bond over different things, and I adore them all in equal measure.

Once I sent a voice note to the ones who have phones telling them they were secretly my favourite, it was hilarious, in 0.2 seconds there were doors slamming, kids running and shouting to tell the others I admitted it finally before they realised they all got it. I wasn't anyones favourite that day 🤣

DiscoBeat · 23/07/2024 01:18

I am being totally honest, and I definitely don't have a favourite. I occasionally favour one of their behaviors, obviously, but they dip in and out of those and they're so different that comparing them is thankfully impossible as I would hate to favour one over the other.

autienotnaughti · 23/07/2024 03:22

I have a different relationship with all three . The eldest can be a bit spiky and very independent. I feel less close to her.

Middle one and I are very close, enjoy spending time together.

Youngest is disabled so needs me in completely different ways.

I love them all equally but each relationship is totally different.

Eldest feels I favour middle one, both older two feel I favour youngest.

In terms of physical/financial support (for older two who are both adults) I try to be fairly equal.

LaWench · 23/07/2024 03:31

Yes, the dog. She loves me the most.

Lacdulancelot · 23/07/2024 03:48

I worry about them equally.
I don’t have a favourite dc but I admit that my eldest dgc has a special place in my heart.
However his cousin who is quite a bit younger definitely gets lots of love and attention. And I do adore him too.

My dm favours my middle db, all my siblings would agree.
I’m the scapegoat. Dm is late 80’s now and at Christmas I go early to help her sort cards and she puts chqs in for each family.
Many years I just get a card and no chq.
This last Christmas I noticed as I wrote the address on golden child’s card that dm hadn’t signed the chq for him.
I said nothing.

Lincslady53 · 23/07/2024 04:02

My 40 year old DD asked me this. I said yes, Rachel who you went to Primary School with.