2 AIBU in one, table etiquette and in-laws..

[PardontheFrench]

This is a light humoured one (kind off)

In-laws down on holiday, it’s chaos round here as we are also moving this week, trying to pack and aware DH’s parents are also here to spend time with us and have a nice time, we are doing all the cooking entertaining etc.

Cooked a lovely meal around carnage last night, made sure everyone was sorted, DC, in-laws, dog was out of the way, drinks topped up sat down at the table to notice that in-laws had moved their cutlery round to their preferred position of knifes sitting with blades out, definitely not how I set the table!!

Firstly AIBU to think that everyone over the age of 12 knows the correct table setting etiquette is knifes with blades turned inwards

2nd AIBU that it’s fucking cheeky to be so self righteous that you make a show of your preferred way especially when you are bastarding wrong! in someone else house!

There have been many larger things over the years that have pissed me off but this tiny moment of exercising control has given me the rage like no other!

I think that was it..

Had everyone been eating when I came in I would never have noticed but as they were all waiting for me to sit it was fairly obvious.

Animals, your DH must have been dragged up.

I would think they were a bit silly. I wouldn't anger me. If they want to eat incorrectly that's on them.

They put their own place settings how they like them. I think the number of people who care about “correct” place setting style is very very diminished these days, and it doesn’t mean they’re all moral delinquents. Frankly it’s something I rarely think of and would consider it to be more of an optional convention than a reflection of my social capability. I’m generally focused on trying to get my family to put the cutlery and placemats down straight, rather than all wonky and miles from the edge of the table.

The amount of “rude” you think it to be corresponds to how much you care about this particular thing, and I suspect you care a lot more than many people. They just like it how they have it and may even think they are “right”. It’s such a pointless thing to get worried about, it literally doesn’t matter.

"...but as they were all waiting for me to sit"

Good manners fully on display then?

Why on earth do you put yourself out hosting when it was obviously not something you wanted to do? There's nothing more excruciating and uncomfortable to be hosted by somebody who would rather not.

Also, people always think they have good poker faces when they really don't.

The fact you think this is somehow pointed at you or in any way significant speaks much more about you than them

I can imagine doing this on auto pilot

What a non event

🤣

I eat ‘cack handed’, so despite being right handed, I eat as though I’m left handed and therefore always move my cutlery round at dinner parties/restaurants. Do I have poor etiquette? It affects nobody but me.

I was thinking paper plates and plastic cutlery, 'Sorry folks, we've packed all our stuff up for the move!'.

FInger buffet

I wouldn't blame the DS for not mentioning the chickenpox. He's not the one getting arsey that you didn't know/hadn't responded on Instagram. Such weird behaviour. If I had wanted my Mum to know one of children was poorly when they were younger, I would call her/message her directly. Not blame her for not picking it up from social media.

It's not incorrect though is it? It is one way of setting a table based on conformity with predesigned rules on dining "etiquette". But actually you can set a table any way you like- nobody is policing this and you will still be able to eat your dinner perfectly fine if the knife is facing outwards. It actually baffles me how people get worked up over this. As if you are some sort of higher being because you know the "correct" way to set a table.

Clearly a straw that broke the camel's back moment! If it's any consolation, my in laws have form for coming over, watching me prep a meal, set table etc then, as I'm serving up announcing, "oh, we're not eating/not hungry/just want a sandwich"

Used to drive me mad it was so rude now I just roll my eyes and get on with it. Getting them to actually sit at a table is almost impossible so I just don't bother anymore.

First of all YABU for not using your words to move the visit. I would notice the cutlery, judge them and forget it.

Then you mentioned having to find the gravy boat. No sympathy whatsoever. Talk about making unnecessary work for yourself, what’s wrong with people serving themselves from the saucepan as you’re midway through a house move? Or getting takeaway? Or eating out.

I trust you only looked for the second best linen, OP.

If they moved their own cutlery, they are just ignorant.

If they changed the entire table, they are extremely rude - and proud to be ignorant, meaning they are also stupid 😂

I would just feel sorry for people who lack basic manners, it's not worth being annoyed about it.

I can understand how this would be annoying.

On the the plus side at least they waited for you to sit down.

My DPIL would start serving themselves and eating before everyone was sat down. It wasnt intentionally rude just they had got in the habit of only thinking they needed to be ready to eat.

We solved that by not putting any cutlery out until the last person brought it with them to the table.

This is absolutely insanely British. Instead of being upfront and telling them you can't host or at the very least make it clear it's going to be easy meals, you hope that they will cancel themselves then you set about making a full on dinner with gravy boats, side plates and various sets of cutlery placed according to 'etiquette'. Then you lose your shit because they turn a knife a different way round than the way you think is correct. Madness.

This seems like a total storm in a teacup. Once the date of their visit became unsuitable, you should have asked them to postpone it, not just fester in silence getting irritated by their table settings. They think you’re wrong about the cutlery placement. It’s a deeply lower-middle class thing to be bothered about, either way. As is unpacking ten boxes to find a gravy boat in the middle of a house move.

It’s correct in France to set a table with the tines of forks facing down. This is just as unimportant.

43 years old and pretty run of the mill middle class

Never in my life knew there was a correct way to lay the table with knives. I usually just throw a bunch of knives and forks in the middle of the table

I think this is definitely the straw that broke the camels back. But I think there's a lot of built up tension and passive aggressive behaviour here on both sides.

I would have just told them the dates no longer worked and if they did still come we'd be eating out or getting a take away. Not eating a meal that required side plates and a gravy boat!

YABU, you're not the gate keeper of other people's comfort.

Good grief.
In that situation at mine they would have been eating chips out of a paper packet, that they would have gone to collect 🤣

That’s kind of brilliant as a remedy. (Both my dad and PILs do this. Even in restaurants, my father regularly takes the plate out of the waiter’s hands and starts eating as soon as plate meets table. Then he bolts his food. If it’s a large group, or if it’s at home, he’s often finished eating before the last to be served has picked up their knife and fork.)

The knives thing would drive me bonkers!

How uncouth of your inlaws, I do hope they didn't drink directly from the gravy boat or scratch their genitals with the cake forks as well?

To be honest I think you and your DH (especially him) need to take responsibility here. You should have just told them they couldn't come, its madness trying to host while packing to move so I imaging even them breathing is annoying you.
As for which way knife blades are facing? aint nobody got time for that

I honestly would prefer my guests move their own table setting to suit them, I really couldn’t get worked up about this, maybe the stress of everything has got to you.