AIBU - Having to ask permission to go out at 17 nearly 18 going to move out for university in less than 2 months

[FairTaupeSwan]

Hello Mumsnet,
Me (DD 17) & my mum (DM) ended up in an argument over the way I asked my mum permission for me to go to a grassroots live music venue (London, 16+ event) by myself. She said that I hide everything from her and that everything is a mystery. I asked her by saying ‘There’s this music thing in XYZ, on a tuesday at 7 that I want to go to. is that okay?’ This ended up in a long argument of me asking why I still have to go and ask permission for simple everyday things such as going out (we live close to central) during the day just to buy food in Central or to Westfield etc when I am nearly 18 (a argument once happened because I simply told her I was going out to XYZ area to buy food) why I am not close to her, why am I never allowed to go out until late when all of my friends and people I know are already 18 (2005 born, have a late August 2006 birthday), are able to go out until 1am clubbing in central London, without permission at all. My family is religious too so I guess this is also a factor (drinking & smoking at live music venues happen a lot) as this argument ended up being why I don’t pray (I said I’m not religious, and I have my own thoughts & values, my DM claimed this was bs) AIBU to think I should not need to ask permission in ‘Please can I go to….’ because I am nearly 18 with a late birthday and off to university in less than 2 months?

I don't think you should have to ask permission (I don't think your DM should have the option to say no you can't go out with your friends) but when you are living with someone it's usual to tell them what your plans are / when you think you'll be back.

Hi, thanks for your response. I really appreciate it. Could you maybe elaborate why (so I have reasons for my mum), I do not need permission. I did tell her a few times as in ‘I am going out to XYZ for this reason, I should be back by XYZ’, and it did not end well because apparently I need to ask permission first.

Crikey that sounds like a nightmare. You're pretty much an adult, yes if you live with family a courtesy I won't be home for dinner tonight I'm out with friends, I'll be back late but I'll be quiet etc fair enough that's just mutual respect .

Asking permission and it being refused seems like madness. Just bite your tongue, you've got two months left. Assuming you're moving away for uni?

Hi, she actually did give me permission. I have to go by car with my Dad to the venue at 7 and she picks me up. Admittedly they mostly haven’t said no, except for Wireless last year

You live in a religious household, possibly cultural factors at play too given you mention being in a place with smoking or drinking isn’t accepted so I imagine these rules are stricter due to you being a girl.
Is it ideal, no, not based on the average values in the uk.
But ultimately you live in her house and presumably want to return during various uni holidays and be housed and fed so there’s an element of her roof, her rules until you fully commit to moving out.
It doesn’t sound easy though.

My dd is the same age as you. She doesn't go out at night very often but if she wanted to, she'd tell me her plans and we'd discuss it, then she'd go. I'd check how she was getting home and ask who she was going with. She'd tell me. Good luck

Thank you for your response. May I ask you whether you have asked your daughter or gotten annoyed at her because she simply told you her plans, rather than her asking ‘Please can I go to…’

Sorry op but you shouldn't have to ask for permission......i think your mum is being a bit too strict. I get its probably to do with the religious side of things.... I'm a mum to two teenagers myself (19 and 16). They will say I'm going out with joe bloggs on Wednesday is that okay ?? But asking for permission.... that's for little kids. Sending hugs x

Wow, I have a 16 year old and just turned 18 year old and while they both ask if they can go out it's more of a curtesy as we all have adhd and forget to tell each other plans sometimes! If we have nothing on then they can go out. The 16 year old has a 10.30 curfew unless there's a special event on and then it's later but we would pick them up. The 18 year old has no curfew and since turning 18 a couple of weeks ago has come home at 4/5am quite a few times! As far as I'm concerned he is an adult, he pulls his weight at home as an adult and can go out when he wants to like an adult.
I think your parents probably won't change their views so bide your time, it won't be long until uni and then you can do as you please.

It’s a hard adjustment for a parent to make. I do agree that you should not need to ask permission. She’s probably worried about you. I can’t tell you the amount of nights I’ve laid in bed awake waiting to hear the door open and know that Dd was back. She’s not being like this to be mean to you.

She needs to realise you’re very nearly an adult…..hopefully once youve gone to uni things will be better when you come back in the holidays as there will have been a natural break. You may have to grit your teeth this summer a bit.

YANBU, but I'd say grit your teeth and put up with these last few weeks - and then don't come back from University, get a year round place to live, a job and enjoy your hard won independence.

No I don't get angry ever.

Once I did say absolutely not because it was in the middle of exams, and she was happy not to go.

Perhaps say to your parents you are struggling with the rules and could you come to an agreement? Then stick to it. And as others have said, bide your time you'll be away at uni in two months!

It’s polite to check first. I check with DH when I make plans to go out and I expect my teens to do so as well. I like to know more details than “I’m going out shopping” or “I’m going to a party/concert/friends. It’s part of being in a family. Parents will always worry about their kids no matter how old they are.

Hi thanks for your reply. She just says that she could stop me if I wanted to and it’s not as if I am chained up, but my dad lets me so she gives me permission. She also once said that she didn’t want me to go outside of London for university and she wouldn’t have let me because it was too far for too long (3 years at Manchester), but she gave me permission because my dad said yes.

I definitely would think my teen was being rude if they told me they were doing something rather than asked if it was okay!

@FairTaupeSwan are you the only child?? Could be your mum is worried about something happening to you whilst you are out? X

OK, so that's annoying for her if she thinks one thing and your dad lets you do whatever.

My dad doesn’t let me do whatever, he has said no too. However it’s usually if one says yes the yes overrules the no.

Will you be moving to a University outside London, or still living at home? If you are going to be living away from home please don’t go crazy when the leash is released - you sound like a sensible woman, so keep yourself safe and enjoy your time at University. Your parents do love you and care about you, they maybe aren’t very good at saying it in a way you can accept.

Your dm sounds controlling

My dds didn't have to ask permission and nor did I.

However is it your religion and culture at play

Ah , just seen you are off to Manchester, have a wonderful time.

When I was 17 my mum used to drop me off in town and park around the corner from the club in case my fake ID was questioned and she needed to take me home 😂 when I text her to say I was fine she would go home… and she would pick me up at ridiculous hours 💙

Thank you! I might consider Nottingham foundation year if it goes tits up at results day. Fingers cross it doesn’t haha.

I would just say, “Mum - I know you worry about me but I’ll be 18 soon and in 8 weeks I will be leaving home. I’ll be fully independent, managing my own cooking, going on nights out [etc - list the things]. So, I feel that it’s not really appropriate for me to still be asking my mum for permission to leave the house for a 7pm event. But obviously I’ll respect our house and not come in late and noisily, and I’ll keep you updated on when I’m heading back.”

You might need to message her every hour to reassure her you’ve not met a terrible fate whilst at the over 16’s music gig but she’s probably struggling a bit trying not to worry about you suddenly being pretty much grown up.

I have a son the same age (also August 2006 born) and I’ve been encouraging him to say “I’m going out …” since he started Sixth Form. I expect a rough return time (especially if it’s overnight ) If he was going to uni then he wouldn’t have to do that but he knows that giving me that info makes me feel better.