AIBU - Having to ask permission to go out at 17 nearly 18 going to move out for university in less than 2 months

[FairTaupeSwan]

Hello Mumsnet,
Me (DD 17) & my mum (DM) ended up in an argument over the way I asked my mum permission for me to go to a grassroots live music venue (London, 16+ event) by myself. She said that I hide everything from her and that everything is a mystery. I asked her by saying ‘There’s this music thing in XYZ, on a tuesday at 7 that I want to go to. is that okay?’ This ended up in a long argument of me asking why I still have to go and ask permission for simple everyday things such as going out (we live close to central) during the day just to buy food in Central or to Westfield etc when I am nearly 18 (a argument once happened because I simply told her I was going out to XYZ area to buy food) why I am not close to her, why am I never allowed to go out until late when all of my friends and people I know are already 18 (2005 born, have a late August 2006 birthday), are able to go out until 1am clubbing in central London, without permission at all. My family is religious too so I guess this is also a factor (drinking & smoking at live music venues happen a lot) as this argument ended up being why I don’t pray (I said I’m not religious, and I have my own thoughts & values, my DM claimed this was bs) AIBU to think I should not need to ask permission in ‘Please can I go to….’ because I am nearly 18 with a late birthday and off to university in less than 2 months?

My 17yo daughter asks me. I don't think I've ever said no since she was 13-14ish unless there is a good reason. But that's the house rule and has been since my 39yo dd was a teen. So that's how it goes.

My parents were more uptight about my sister going out at this age than they were with me because they didn’t like her friends (somewhat justified, but not entirely). Yes you should have the freedom to organise your own time and go out when you want — especially now exams are well over — but probably your mum’s overprotectiveness is coming from a loving place, just like it was from my parents towards my sister. Many parents find letting go of their kids difficult.

It’s a delicate thing. You’re right to assert your independence, but you’ll store up trouble for the future if you fight her too much. A good relationship with parents who love you is worth so much in life.

Sounds like you’re actually managing it quite well between the three of you, however frustrating it might be at times. Keep showing her a bit of grace, safe in the knowledge that you’ll be living far away in a couple of months.

Grit your teeth, OP, you’ll be at uni in no time. Manchester will be great but remember to keep in touch with your DM. She’ll have less control from a distance but she sounds like a worrier. You need to break away gently.

No advice I’m afraid but I sympathise! I grew up with very strict father whose decisions were (and still are!) final and nobody, not even my mother could persuade him otherwise.

I didn’t go out as a teenager as it just wasn’t worth the hassle of even asking (I did lots of music though so thankfully I did actually see other people!). I went to boarding school for 6th form (best thing ever), and he would repeatedly call and write to the school about minor details. The staff there were my saviours and showed me that his behaviour wasn’t normal. In the school holidays, socialising was a no-no and I was threatened with being disowned if I went to visit my lovely, polite and kind boyfriend AND his parents during one half term!

But once I left school, a switch was flicked and I was suddenly an adult. So long story short, you’re nearly there, well done! You have so little time to go until you leave for University, your parents will be clinging onto your childhood and time with you. And discussing this with them now is unlikely to bring about anything other than conflict.

I hope you get the results you want and have a wonderful time gaining your independence!

I don't understand your DM's behaviour in its entirety but, I can guarantee you that one part of this is because she wants to know you are safe. This means you should tell her where you go, who with, when you will be back. A re-assurance if you like, just so she can understand you know what you are doing.
The reality is that, as a young woman of your age, the world can be dangerous. Please make sure you stay safe (always!) and enjoy the event.

Also you live in the same house and it is polite to let your family know you plans as a bigger picture.

I strongly recommend that you pick a university far, far, far, far away from your mother, and that you try to spend at little time as possible at home. She needs to learn what it means to raise a child and then let them go.

I have a DD who is 23 and a DS of 21. The elder has graduated and the younger is just going in to his third year.

When they started 6th form I would expect a heads up on when they were out, how they were travelling and roughly when they expected to be back and I’d expect an update if anything significant changed.

Now they are older, we have a family calendar that we can all access - I don’t expect details, just a note if out, local or town and eating at home or not. I’ll still do lifts from time to time but I don’t expect to be disturbed (including by clattering around when home late) after 11 on a school night. My DH and I use it too. I note the family things I still hope they will attend.

Is it worth trying to set new ground rules and mutual expectations as you prepare for uni? So new (very reasonable) freedoms for you and also what new things you will take on as an adult in the house.

Good luck

My DD is 18 but old for her school year. I discussed this thread with her and we agreed that she is likely to let me know her plans and then we’d discuss them and if I wasn’t happy I’d say but it would be a discussion.

My dd is about a year older than you. Living at home during a gap year.

As far as I'm concerned, she doesn't need my permission to go out, and she didn't need a year ago when she was the same age as you are now - she was old enough to make her own decisions and I trusted her to make sensible ones.

Having said that, she still tends to ask me if she can do stuff! I think she probably knows that I'm not going to say no, so she is just asking out of habit or as a courtesy etc. I have pointed out previously that she is an adult and doesn't need to ask, but she still does it anyway!

It doesn't sound to me as if your parents are going to change their stance, so I think you have to just grit your teeth and wait until you get to uni!

My DD is 18 she will say I am going to…. I am going with…….and I will probably be back by….

The rules are taxi home, you all stay together, and text me (at whatever time) when she is in the cab. Or we go out and get her.

My Ds doesn't ask to go out but he knows I worry about him coming home so he'll tell me what the plans are and texts me when he's on his way back. He's just 18.

I don't have a daughter but a son born June 2005. As a parent the transition is hard, however since 16 we loosened the reigns and initially we just asked for basic text communication, eg texting when leaving so we knew he was heading home.
Now he has done 1 year at Uni, when his is home he can do what he likes, although he is considerate and not a party animal.
Your mum can't realistically stop you but I would try to find a middle ground, esp around contact when you are out.
You can't imagine how much we worry, and you won't understand that until you are a parent.
Good luck

I think if you need a lift or money for whatever you want to do then asking if it’s ok / convenient is polite. As for the rest, I would just go along with things. Different parents have different standards and it sounds as if you are getting to do what you want to do right now when not complying makes things more awkward. You’ll be away at university before you know it.

My son is 18. He just announces he’s going out locally, but he asks if it’s okay to go anywhere different. I always say yes but sometimes it comes with don’t ask for money or lifts, i usually ask how he’s getting there/ back and what time he’ll be home.
My daughter is older but she didn’t get chance to go anywhere much at a similar age because of covid, she was away at uni before she really went out. It’s harder letting go when they’re at home!

At your age my children would just tell me where they were going and with who what time they would be back. I certainly didn't expect them to ask for permission.
Do you know how your mother will be when you go to university? Do they expect to control what you do when you are living away?
Parents do worry. I never slept until I heard them come home but we have to let go and give our children independence

you are so lucky to have parents who care about you.
they are more aware of the dangers of the world than you are.
they love you and want you to live to have a happy and fulfilled life, without major regrets.
you only get one set of parents.
i wish i still had my parents;
i would kiss their feet.

My Mum was quite stricter when I was your age. I had to ask permission but I was allowed out to clubs, to drink and to smoke. It was more about whether it was convenient for me to be coming home at all hours and waking her up so I used to find it easier to stay at friends houses. I had much younger siblings so I kind of get it. I think once you have left for uni your relationship will change.

your mum's hardly controlling if she usually lets you go but expects to asked.

I don't think you should have to ask permission. It is courteous to make sure your mother is aware of your plans though. I have older children at home and they make sure I know their movements and when they'll be back (I'd be concerned if they weren't home as expected and it does help to know the movements of the household. I tell them when I'm going out too.)

My parents weren't as restrictive as yours but were quite restrictive and it just made me leave home earlier.

My Ds is 17 … I ask he tells me where I am .. I also have find my iPhone on family app … so he can find me and vice versa if needed ..
i actually like him going out , rather that than him sat in his room staring at YouTube

Good Advice

Is it worth sitting your mum down... and really really try to do this without arguing, but asking her to tell you what it is that worries her about you going out.
And then just patiently tackle each worry and tell her what you plan to do

Eg. You could say to her upfront, I know you worry about drinking and smoking. I'm not a smoker and I will be sensible about this.
If its about her worrying about you getting home safe - Tell her that you have your charged phone with you and you will always make sure before you go out that you know how you are getting home and that you will be with friends, not on your own and will text her if it looks like it will be later than you expected.

Remind her that doing this is making you more confident in prep for uni

I think if you talk to her about this and it's you showing her that you've thought about these issues and how to stay safe, that she ought to be pretty reassured.

If none of that is reassuring to her, is it because she just doesnt' want you to go out for some reason - at least you might find out why.

Only two more months to go, go easy on her, she's going to miss you lots and you might find yourself nostalgic for someone wanting to make sure you get home safe.

My kids are 18 and 21, but both still live at home. I like to know when to expect them home, out of courtesy, and if they will be eating with me so I know whether to cook or save them a plate.
They tend to tell me too. The only time they ‘ask’ is if it’s to borrow money, have friends back to stay or need a lift somewhere.

So yes to not just disappearing, no to needing parental permission.

Children grow up very quickly between twelve and eighteen, I'd say. It's actually quite hard for some people to stop worrying about their children and letting them do their own things. She will be doing it because she loves you.

Once you are at university she will learn not to worry so much.

@FairTaupeSwan It's sensible for your mum to check places are safe before you go. Also your mum wants to know you will be safe getting home. Just be kind and work with her.

If she's not sure where you're going, can you put it in a shared calendar? So she doesn't buy food to cook you dinner and then find you're not there

She is probably concerned about money too - e.g. the going out to buy food in Central. If you don't have a job, where is that money coming from? What is the plan to pay for your university course?

As the mother of 6, 5 of whom are now over 18....from the age of 15 ish on they would say "Ma I am meeting X at Y and will be back around Z" or more usually, ask for a lift!

Youngest is 13 and she doesnt exactly ask, she will say "I want to go to X with my friends, is that ok?" it has never been "am I allowed?" Its asked more in a way of checking I havent planned anything else.

So, happy to show your mother my response which is ....

Dear @FairTaupeSwan 's Mother,
I am the 51 year old mother of 6 kids, all of whom are safe and happy. They didnt go nuts at Uni (as many of their peers did) because they learned self control in a safe enviroment at home. You are far too uptight and are risking alienating your DD if you dont unclench. My mother is a devout Christian but even she understood that the more you restrict something, the more attractive is becomes and the more likely a person is to lie and sneak in order to get it.

Do you trust your daughter? If you do, then let her do her thing. If you dont, why not? Question that and consider your response of tying her down.

@FairTaupeSwan Enjoy Manchester, Uni there is amazing!