AIBU - Having to ask permission to go out at 17 nearly 18 going to move out for university in less than 2 months

[FairTaupeSwan]

Hello Mumsnet,
Me (DD 17) & my mum (DM) ended up in an argument over the way I asked my mum permission for me to go to a grassroots live music venue (London, 16+ event) by myself. She said that I hide everything from her and that everything is a mystery. I asked her by saying ‘There’s this music thing in XYZ, on a tuesday at 7 that I want to go to. is that okay?’ This ended up in a long argument of me asking why I still have to go and ask permission for simple everyday things such as going out (we live close to central) during the day just to buy food in Central or to Westfield etc when I am nearly 18 (a argument once happened because I simply told her I was going out to XYZ area to buy food) why I am not close to her, why am I never allowed to go out until late when all of my friends and people I know are already 18 (2005 born, have a late August 2006 birthday), are able to go out until 1am clubbing in central London, without permission at all. My family is religious too so I guess this is also a factor (drinking & smoking at live music venues happen a lot) as this argument ended up being why I don’t pray (I said I’m not religious, and I have my own thoughts & values, my DM claimed this was bs) AIBU to think I should not need to ask permission in ‘Please can I go to….’ because I am nearly 18 with a late birthday and off to university in less than 2 months?

My 17 year old (almost 18) always asks me if it’s ok. I’m good with that, she still lives under my roof. But I almost never say no (unless I think it’s unsafe) she’s almost an adult and I trust her. If she didn’t ‘ask’ that would be ok too, but we have mutual respect for each other, hence why I normally say yes as long as I know where, who with, and when/how she will get home.

My DC both had summer birthdays so I experienced this issue.

It don’t understand your mothers insistence on asking permission when you are readily giving her accurate information about your plans.

I can see why you chose to go to uni outside London to be honest.

Tell her that you love her and don’t want to fall out with her this summer before you leave home. You will continue to be respectful and honest re your whereabouts, but she needs to respect you too. She needs to adjust her expectations really. Are you the eldest or an only child?

Hello mumsnet,
My mum also said during the argument to ask a certain friend and other people (so you guys I guess) whether they need permission to go out and to share what happened. Thanks for your responses.

I am the eldest, my brother is going into Y12 after the summer.

By your age my dc just had to tell me what they were doing, they didn't need to seek permission except to have overnight guests

OP, I have 4 dds and they always let me know where they were going and we would discuss getting home arrangements, usually Uber. I never got cross or stopped them going anywhere as it is part of growing up and taking responsibility for yourself.

Hang in there as you are off to Manchester University ( congratulations by the way). I think your mum is concerned that her little girl is all grown up.

Actually this is the case here too. I am asked if they can invite people round but they can go out whenever they want

Mine are adults now but once GCSEs were done I would only expect them to tell me where and when they were going out and when to expect them back. It seems ridiculous to me that at almost eighteen you are expected to ask permission for anything.

Hi haha no I’m planning to go through clearing on results day because I feel I did better than my predicted, and most of the humanities/social sciences courses are quite lenient with clearing for home students. Unfortunately my mum did get quite cross because I wasn’t very clear but I sometimes don’t really know how to word my questions properly, however I did mention the area and time it started.

I also think i have to mention I live in a tower block with strange people who do wonder around the floor we live on at times, so I guess this is a factor too.

My ds2 21 year old still asks me if it's OK to do whatever he's going to do, I think it's just habit/ his way of telling me though as obviously he's a bloody adult and he's also going into his 3rd year of uni soon so most of the year I have no idea what he's doing until he sends pictures/messages saying what he's been up to

Do ypu need money off your parents to go? That's the only reason it expect mine to ask me if they were ok to go somewhere at 17 , it tended to be them telling me where they were going, who with and what time they'd likely be back at that age

If you’re feeding back to your mother you can tell her it’s clear she has done a good job raising a sensible and independent daughter. She should be proud of you.

My DD is exactly one year younger than you and she chats to me about her plans. Sometimes I'm concerned and I ask her how she's getting home and who she's going with but we talk about it. She's an adult and entitled to make her own decisions. I think though that once you're at Uni - and I hope you're moving away and not living at home - you'll find it very difficult to come back in the holidays to give up that hard won independence. My suggestion is to start thinking about how you're going to fund your independence now. Once you get to Uni get yourself a job and put money aside if you can so you can live away during the holidays (you can't come home because of your job…). Show them you are a capable young person and prove to them you can cope with your independence. It's the only way.

YANBU at your age. I’m old enough to be your mother (might even be older than her!) and at your age l would be expecting way more freedom. Your mum needs to unclench. As you said in 2 months most likely you will be in Manchester or Nottingham. You can hardly ring her each day to discuss what you are doing and what you’re allowed to do

Once you've moved out it won't be an issue. Not long now.

I'm assuming you didn't ask them for lofts or anything?

Your mum is way over the top. You sound lovely, let’s hope the next few weeks whizz by and you will never have to ask her for permission again. Enjoy your freedom!

This was my mum. I often got the 'do you remember you have a mother' line if I made plans with friends.
My mum just wasn't emotionally ready to let me go, I was her baby. She was stunting my growth by loving me too much that she was holding on too tight. I think she was also a bit jealous ans couldnt accept the normal developmental stage of friends coming before family. your mum may be feeling emotional her 'baby' is about to move to uni. Bite your tongue for 2 months, it'll be different when you go home I imagine. Have a great time!

Hi no, I didn’t ask for a lift but my mum insisted on my dad having to drop me and wait for me to pick me up. I have to be honest I still ask for money because I quit my job back in December due to mocks and I am still looking for a job, however I did not ask money for this.

My DD is 18 (only just) and she can go where she likes -like to know as I worry and she appreciates that so let's me know but never asks permission. In 2 months she will be living in uni halls and needs to learn independence and resilience

It's largely a parent thing to be honest. I had been at uni two years and had worked abroad independently for a year the last time my father demanded to know where I was going and how I was getting home (2.5 miles from the town centre, an easy walk). If you can, just let it wash over you until you are 18 and a legal adult. The last six months are hard, I know.

Your mother is simply ensuring that you will go to university and never come back - which I did 40 years ago.
Good luck with your A Levels and for university and finding freedom.

I have an 18yo who asks to go places. I will only say no if I consider it unsafe.

By the way ... the UK has religious freedom. You do not have to pray unless you feel it is right for you. Views and feelings on this do change throughout our lives, but if it does not feel right for you at this moment you do not have to do it, just respect her right to.

I do get why she might be concerned about your safety if you are in a tower block with some creepy odd bods around at night. I am sure you have proper safeguards in place and are able to reassure her about this.

They'll be a few parents like yours on here though , some people say they don't let their kids walk to school on their own or stay at home on their own for a bit until 14 or older

And the ones who say no to their 18 year old adults

My DD is your age. Since exams finished, I don’t expect her to ask if it’s okay, but I do want to know who/where/when. In 8 weeks she’ll be a four hour drive away, she needs to learn how to be an adult with the safety net of home here, before she goes it alone.

I've got a dd who is 20 and at university and one who is 17.

My DD's tell me where they are going and we may have a casual conversation about it, and any practicalities in the same way that my dh and I would. I always ask them how they are getting home because I don't want to be involved in rescuing them!

I'm going to the cinema with Lucy on Tuesday

Great, what are going to see?

iron Man I think.

Ok, well I'm taking your sister to football at seven so can you walk the dog at five and I'll start the dinner and then you can hang up the washing. Make sure you know what time the bus is.