To be concerned about DD?

[spiderplant7]

DD18 lives quietly, never goes to parties or does anything that other children her age do. My other children did, but she is as quiet as a mouse. She was quite shy until she was around 16, but now she goes out on her own, and might meet up with friends once a month or every couple months. Her idea of an outing is a trip to the hairdressers, a walk around various parks or her weekly church service. Maybe 2-3 times a week she goes out. She’s always been like this, never attending parties etc, the first she ever attended was at 17 and that has been her last too.

I’m worried she is wasting her youth just spending her time on her own. She enjoys cooking and baking, but she rarely spends time with her friends. I’ve tried to persuade her to go out more with them but she won’t listen, instead choosing to go out on her own. She’s never had a boyfriend and she’s never had a best friend like my other children have. It just seems awfully lonely, but she states she’s perfectly happy on her own. Everyone comments on how she’s a lovely and polite child, and if I’m being truthfully honest she has a very old fashioned view on the world, as she grew up idolising one of her grandmothers. I’m wondering if perhaps she doesn’t fit in, and that’s why she is so unsociable.

AIBU?

If she’s happy then be greatful for that and celebrate her for who she is, stop comparing her. Also she’s not a child.

I think you probably need to be very careful not to make your dd feel that she isn’t good enough as she is or that there’s something wrong with her. Some people are just more solitary and it’s not less valuable or acceptable to spend time alone. She will likely realise that you consider her preferred ways of being a waste.

I think there's a big difference between being alone and being lonely. Your DD seems very happy with her life, she has social outlets like church and she's maintaining healthy habits like going for a walk. She's not unsociable at all, just not your typical idea of what a young person does. I admire her for being confident enough in herself to know what she enjoys.

she isn’t wasting her youth, she would be wasting it if she was doing what everyone expected she should be doing to confirm, instead of doing what she wanted to do.
Be proud that she’s secure in her own skin and knows herself enough to know what she wants to do for herself.

*conform not confirm - damn predictive text!

I understand your concern. It’s all very well being this introverted while living with parents who look after & keep an eye on you, but what about when they’re no longer here?

As long as she is happy with her life, that is what matters, @spiderplant7. People are different - some love being sociable, others don’t - it doesn’t make the sociable people right and the unsociable people wrong, or vice versa.

Celebrate your child’s unique personality and confidence to be exactly who they are, rather than worrying that they don’t fit into what you think a stereotypical teenager should be.

I am a quiet person, who doesn’t socialise much, and didn’t socialise much as a teenager/young person - that is just who I am, and there is nothing wrong with being this way. If someone had tried to encourage me to be someone I wasn’t, that would not have made me happy.

Edited to add - @Rainbowsponge, I can promise you that, despite being a quiet, unsociable introvert, I was perfectly capable to functioning in the world, holding down a job, finding a lovely man to marry, raising a family, and making friends.

My mum made very clear that my forms of entertainment (mostly books) were inadequate.

I was perfectly happy but she made me feel like a total reject because I wasn’t spending my evenings on the lash like ‘normal’ teenagers.

I’m still really happy with my small but tight circle of friends. I’m not emotionally close to my mum.

Absolutely this ^^

Mumsnet generally speaking has a very odd group of posters who think interacting voluntarily with other humans is somehow suspect of morally defective.

Of course an 18 year old should be out having the time of her live, having a ball, making lots of friends, some close, some just acquaintances but not stagnating baking at home.
we can recognize a boy gaming is wasting his precious youth. Your daughter’s life is better- but not much.

If she’s happy leave her be. She sounds like she has a calm and peaceful life. Let her be herself, rather than what you think she should be.

Leave her alone.

i was similar as a child. Content living an introvert life, didn’t enjoy parties and found people hard.

i also had a mother who tried to force me into being sociable. Clearly thought there was something “wrong” with me as no one would choose to stay in rather than go out. So it was people didn’t like me, or didn’t want to include me.

unspent many years believing this and trying to force myself to go out and build a social life. It took me a long time to realise this was making me very unhappy, and I was constantly worrying about how to find friends and people to go out with.

as an adult I ditched all that and am so much happier.

Going out 2-3 times a week sounds fine to me. We are all different.

Concentrate on the lovely polite child that your dd is and other people see her as. Stop seeing her as failing to be the extrovert social butterfly that your other kids are/were.

Stop thinking there's a problem because she's not what you think she should be.

Should she? Even if she doesn’t enjoy it? Why? Because you think it’s a better use of time than cooking and reading?

@MoveToParis - do you think everyone should be a sociable extrovert? What is wrong with being, as I am, introverted and not very socially active? I don’t think that the sociable extroverts are right and the unsociable introverts are wrong, or vice versa - I just think people are different, and we should all be true to who we are.

I would be absolutely thrilled if my daughter was "perfectly happy".

It's fine. Lots of us were like that as teenagers, and we grew up to have jobs, friends etc.
She's happy - that's all that matters.
She's not like you, OP, and that's fine too, so please don't force her to fit what you think is "the norm".

She sounds great. She's happily and comfortably her own person, how many 18 year olds can truly say that?

I think your dd and her way of living is lovely, and if she's happy, then that is all that matters. Church is a social outlet for her like others have said, and her habits are healthy. I think many could learn from her

Some people blossom into extroverts later.

Some people never do (that's me)

Forcing her won't help.

She's happy with her life then leave her be, we all dance to a different drum

She sounds very like my SIL. It's not a life I would choose but she's close to her parents, has a fairly demanding job and has a few time-consuming hobbies. No interest in a relationship and only a small handful of friends. She's very happy and fulfilled.

@MoveToParis nasty comments

YABU.

Not everyone has the same social preferences. Plenty of people don’t really like parties. Your DD is perfectly happy doing her own thing - and she is also an adult, who can make her own decisions and navigate her own social life.

I had a group of friends when I was a teenager (and they’re still my friends to this day, 30 years later!) but not one ‘best’ friend. I did some social stuff but I didn’t like parties or just ‘going out’ for the sake of it. I went to gigs or the cinema with my friends, or maybe out to do some shopping. But my hobbies were all solitary - reading, birdwatching, art, pets, collecting stuff, writing fiction, gothic horror, history and watching old and/or cult films and TV programmes. I really, really liked just being at home, in my room, pottering about with my dog.

I was absolutely never lonely. I never felt unhappy being on my own. But I did feel bad when adults quizzed me about why I was on my own a lot or why I didn’t like parties, or implied that it was somehow weird for a teenager not to be sociable. So please, don’t make your daughter feel like there’s somehow something wrong with her just because she’s independent in her interests. She’s fine.