To be concerned about DD?

[spiderplant7]

DD18 lives quietly, never goes to parties or does anything that other children her age do. My other children did, but she is as quiet as a mouse. She was quite shy until she was around 16, but now she goes out on her own, and might meet up with friends once a month or every couple months. Her idea of an outing is a trip to the hairdressers, a walk around various parks or her weekly church service. Maybe 2-3 times a week she goes out. She’s always been like this, never attending parties etc, the first she ever attended was at 17 and that has been her last too.

I’m worried she is wasting her youth just spending her time on her own. She enjoys cooking and baking, but she rarely spends time with her friends. I’ve tried to persuade her to go out more with them but she won’t listen, instead choosing to go out on her own. She’s never had a boyfriend and she’s never had a best friend like my other children have. It just seems awfully lonely, but she states she’s perfectly happy on her own. Everyone comments on how she’s a lovely and polite child, and if I’m being truthfully honest she has a very old fashioned view on the world, as she grew up idolising one of her grandmothers. I’m wondering if perhaps she doesn’t fit in, and that’s why she is so unsociable.

AIBU?

Absolute fucking bollocks, mate.

Good for her, she sounds great.

The key point is that she’s happy.

How many of us who spent our teenage years out getting pissed or desperately trying to fit in would reflect on those times as happy?

It takes most people years to find the maturity to do what they ACTUALLY enjoy rather than what everyone else thinks they should.

You’re probably a good mum because you obviously care and you’ve raised a daughter who sounds brilliant.

Just enjoy her ❤️

I find that kids just don't really do that these days. Maybe it's a result of covid, but they really are much more homebodies. My oldest was born in 1985 with several in between her and my currently 17 year old. It's just not the same vibe.

I could not have said it more beautifully.

Being alone does not mean somebody is lonely.

Leave your daughter to be the lovely young woman she is. If anyone needs to work on themselves, it’s you. Stop meddling.

I’m mainly concerned that by her being such a homebody that she will miss out key opportunities. What stories will she be able to tell her children about her youth? The time she baked cookies? I don’t know how she expects to make new friends or meet her future husband by spending half the week at home, and the other half either at her church etc. She seems to mainly be friends with people older than her now that she has left school, rather than people her own age. She has very few school friends left.

I think that nowadays, for a teen to be happy living the life they choose is something to be thankful for as a parent.

It’s a real positive that your DD isn’t following the crowd. She goes out, sees her friends when she wants to and you don’t have to worry about where she is, or what she is doing.

Your dd doesn't have to have lots of interesting stories about her social life or things she’s got up to, to be a valuable and interesting person in the future, @spiderplant7.

As a introvert, who hasn’t ever had a busy and fascinating social life, I can tell you that I would have been miserable if someone had tried to force me to live a life that I found uncomfortable and unnatural for me, and it would have felt as if I was being told that I was somehow less worthwhile, because my idea of fun and happiness didn’t live up to their standards.

I am sure that you don’t want to make your dd feel as if she is failing you, or failing at life because she isn’t out living the high life, and prefers to be a home body - so please just be proud that you have a happy, well adjusted daughter who is happy with her life.

Does she want to meet new friends or a future husband? Again, I’d be very careful about seeming to imply that she isn’t enough on her own.

Does she want to have wild stories to tell about her youth? I think her future dc, if she chooses to have them, might love hearing about the things she enjoyed and the things that are important to her.

Why are older friends less valuable? Maybe she didn’t have much in common with her school friends and prefers these people’s company?

People are different, op, and in the kindest possible way, you seem to have very fixed ideas about what she should be doing. Focus on whether she is happy instead?

Has she said she is unhappy?
Not every young girl wants to go out drinking and clubbing all the time.
She actually sounds a lot like I was and who I still am. Best thing you can do is love and value her for who she is, don't make her feel she needs to be someone that she is not.

My DC’s are like this, all of them are on the spectrum. Happy to go out very occasionally, normally to friend’s houses. All of them are teens and are happy, not everyone is the same or a party animal. One of mine is an older teen and has never touched alcohol or had a relationship but he is happy. Leave her be, each to their own.

In all honesty I think she sounds great. Happy and confident in her own world, doing things if and as she pleases. She could teach my daughters a thing or two, mine are always out, this party, that club, social whirlwinds. I spend my life worrying. Your daughter is different and there is nothing wrong with that, she is also happy which is the most important of all.

She is an adult-back off!
I assume she is in full-time education or work?

She might not have found her tribe yet. What I mean by that is, when I was that age, I had friends who I was friends with because I went to school with them but really it was rather surface level, it was only when I went to uni I found people I properly connected with and then actually wanted to hang out with other than at school. This might be the case with your daughter maybe.

I’m not your mate, so don’t presume to use that vile over-familiar term to me. Thanks.

I think the OP’s concerns come from a good place and maybe they will turn out to be unwarranted, but maybe she actually can see a broader picture.

Alone and lonely are different things completely, but devaluing friendships through lower participation in the friendship is a route to loneliness. Friendships take time to develop under to any circumstance , and deserve care and attention.

I was miserable at her age because I did the social things that people expected me too, it was easier to give into the nagging than stand my ground. I look back and wish I’d had the courage to hoe my own row, I’d have had a much happier time. Good on your daughter for knowing what makes her happy and investing her time in it - that’s the very best kind of story to be able to share with her children in the future. Be proud of her that she seems to have learnt the secret of contentment at a very young age!

Well, times change. Until very recently, your DD would have been held up as an exemplar of a ‘good woman’.

Perhaps she still is.

Do you mean to imply in that those who live differently are bad/not good.

or just that other people says things which you repeat- but aren’t prepared to be drawn as to whether you share that view or disagree.

I know she wants a family of her own one day, I just don’t know how she expects to find a husband by staying at home often. I know it likely does her well to have older friends for advice etc, but instead of going on day trips to the beach or markets etc with people her own age, she is going with people who are 40-60 from her church instead. They seem to be closest to her. Even then they only see her at church most weeks. She is hoping to study history at the local university come September, if she doesn’t get the grades then full time employment. I don’t want her to regret acting older than what she is in the future.

I didn’t go out having a mad social life, @spiderplant7, or date a lot, and I still found a lovely man - we’ve been married nearly 32 years and have three sons, one daughter in law and a granddaughter.

A previous poster mentioned ‘finding her tribe’ - and this resonated with me. It may take your dd a while but I am sure she will find her tribe too - and she is far more likely to find that tribe, or a special someone, if she does the things that make her happy. If she pushes herself into a life that isn’t ‘her’, the people she will meet there will be people who do love that lifestyle - and won’t that make it hard for her to find someone on her wavelength?

Some people are introverts and like their own company. As long as she's happy, leave her be

Maybe she will find her tribe. I can only hope she finds more friends at university. I think one of her problems is how sensitive she is. If she meets someone and they say something she doesn’t like, she’s unlikely to meet them again! That happened when I introduced her to one of my friend’s children. Hopefully she’ll meet likeminded people at university or I don’t know what she’ll do. Everyone else in our family is quite social except for her!

You keep implying that she isn't social, but she is? You've referred to her having friends several times, and that she goes to church. She's also open to the idea of university and leaves the house for the activities she enjoys- she is a social person. It's normal to want the best for your child and to hope they feel fulfilled, but it's worrying how much you want to mould her into a younger version of yourself or a copy of other family members. In 20 years she may not regret how she spent her youth, but you may regret the relationship you created between you.

Different things make different people happy. Not everyone experiences loneliness in the way you do. Some people enjoy their own company and don’t have the same needs that you do, and don’t have to be moulded into your personal idea of what a ‘normal’ person is.

In any case, the OP says her adult daughter does have friends. She just doesn’t go to parties or hang out in a group of teenagers all the time, because that isn’t what she enjoys. She’s simply living her life in the way that suits her. She isn’t lonely and she probably never will be. There are millions of happy people out there who are exactly like her; they’re not withering away in isolation.

It’s pretty obvious from your comments that you’re exceptionally narrow-minded and that you don’t really understand people unless they are exactly like you. Your idea of ‘care and attention’ seems to be telling perfectly normal and happy adults that they are ‘stagnating’ and ‘wasting their lives’ because they prefer baking to parties, which sounds a lot more like ‘overbearing, ignorant and judgemental’ than ‘careful and attentive’.

Have a nice day, mate

Absolute tosh, the OP describes a young woman who enjoys church, going for a walk, has friends (albeit older ones), and is hoping for university or full time work. Her hobbies/goals are realistic and take her out into the community. This is not the same as someone who cloisters themselves in one room for any reason (whether that's gaming or not). I am honestly shocked by anyone who feels this person has the wrong view on life just because they're not out partying with people they don't like.