To be concerned about DD?

[spiderplant7]

DD18 lives quietly, never goes to parties or does anything that other children her age do. My other children did, but she is as quiet as a mouse. She was quite shy until she was around 16, but now she goes out on her own, and might meet up with friends once a month or every couple months. Her idea of an outing is a trip to the hairdressers, a walk around various parks or her weekly church service. Maybe 2-3 times a week she goes out. She’s always been like this, never attending parties etc, the first she ever attended was at 17 and that has been her last too.

I’m worried she is wasting her youth just spending her time on her own. She enjoys cooking and baking, but she rarely spends time with her friends. I’ve tried to persuade her to go out more with them but she won’t listen, instead choosing to go out on her own. She’s never had a boyfriend and she’s never had a best friend like my other children have. It just seems awfully lonely, but she states she’s perfectly happy on her own. Everyone comments on how she’s a lovely and polite child, and if I’m being truthfully honest she has a very old fashioned view on the world, as she grew up idolising one of her grandmothers. I’m wondering if perhaps she doesn’t fit in, and that’s why she is so unsociable.

AIBU?

No child wants to hear stories about their parents’ youth!

You’re overthinking. She’s only 18, she’s happy at the moment and she has a lot of years ahead before she needs to settle into a way of living.

Please, don’t envisage a future for her, involving your fantasy of her having a husband and children which she might not want at all, and setting yourself up for disappointment if she chooses a different path. That’s a dead cert way to make her fall out with you.

She sounds fine. She isn’t a miserable hermit, she does socialise and go out, just not with the right people according to you. Please don’t interfere or let her see that you don’t approve of her quiet lifestyle.

I would let her do whatever makes her happy but I really think everyone physically able should have a job. Why isn’t she working ?

@spiderplant7 - I really hope that your dd isn’t aware of your views on this - basically you think she is doing teenagerhood wrong, or failing at it, somehow - because she isn’t out partying and having boyfriends.

Do you want her to change, become someone she is not, and feel like a fish out of water, to suit your stereotype of what a teenage girl should be, or do you want to accept her as she is, and encourage her to grow and flourish from the excellent foundation she seems to have already? Do you want her to believe that you think she is a failure or somehow lesser, because she isn’t a typical teenager?

Is she happy? Did she ever go to any church youth groups or camps? Maybe she just hasn't found her people. Is she at college? Does she have Uni plans? She's likely to find many more like-minded people at Uni through various clubs and societies.

I think some posters here are letting their outrage cloud your valid concern.

This idea that we need to be social have lots of friends and party. It's not for everyone. Don't make her feel less because she's not the popular kids. Love her for who she is, encourage her to chase HER dreams

Hardly. The DD is happy, and that should be all that matters. There is nothing wrong with how she is at all.

This lady's daughter is an adult. Not a kid anymore.
The OP does not get to dictate how she lives and what she needs. It isn't outrage, it's the lack of sensitivity and understanding towards this young girl who is a person in her own right. Not one that needs to be moulded or forced into being who she isn't. I bet the daughter is aware of how her mother feels about her and believe me, that will cause a lot of damage to her as it has me. When your own mother thinks that you should be more, do more and basically be someone different to who you are, it really messes with you mentally.

Ok, she’s 18. In the nicest possible way, worrying about her finding a life partner / having children is nuts.

I think she sounds great and will grow and prosper in her own way . She has a rare quality , perhaps a stronger sense of self and independent thought than others. If I were you I'd embrace her individual outlook and just enjoy her for who she is. Gently encourage her to try new things if you must but go easy.

Jings you're overthinking this OP. I hope you don't say these things to your daughter. Leave her be. Have fun with her, be a friend etc.

Largely I'd let her do what she wants - you can't force her to be a sociable person and she clearly is happy enough. However, you keep saying 'her' church. Is this a new church, and is it one you're also a member of? What kind of church is it? It made my ears prick up a bit, the fact that she's seemingly isolated from anyone except others in the church: maybe I'm off-base and you're a very involved-with-the-church-community family generally, but if it's new I think that would raise potential concerns for me.

Do you think she's happy?