To be concerned about DD?

[spiderplant7]

DD18 lives quietly, never goes to parties or does anything that other children her age do. My other children did, but she is as quiet as a mouse. She was quite shy until she was around 16, but now she goes out on her own, and might meet up with friends once a month or every couple months. Her idea of an outing is a trip to the hairdressers, a walk around various parks or her weekly church service. Maybe 2-3 times a week she goes out. She’s always been like this, never attending parties etc, the first she ever attended was at 17 and that has been her last too.

I’m worried she is wasting her youth just spending her time on her own. She enjoys cooking and baking, but she rarely spends time with her friends. I’ve tried to persuade her to go out more with them but she won’t listen, instead choosing to go out on her own. She’s never had a boyfriend and she’s never had a best friend like my other children have. It just seems awfully lonely, but she states she’s perfectly happy on her own. Everyone comments on how she’s a lovely and polite child, and if I’m being truthfully honest she has a very old fashioned view on the world, as she grew up idolising one of her grandmothers. I’m wondering if perhaps she doesn’t fit in, and that’s why she is so unsociable.

AIBU?

I would be much more focussed on what kind of career she is going to have. That is what builds lives and gives choices(and often a v good place to meet partners)
what are her plans post uni? There are loads of history grads every year. What transferrable skills has she developed? What work/ volunteering experience does she have- via church/ library/ community?

She doesn’t have to be like everyone else in your family. She’s happy as she is. Stop trying to mould her into someone she’s not. Stop trying to make her hang out with people she doesn’t actually like. Why would she have to get along with some random kid just because they happen to be the child of your friend? She has friends that she likes. It’s weird to be trying to engineer the social life of a teenager anyway; she’s not a five-year-old who needs you to set up play dates.

I guarantee you that your DD is fully aware that she isn’t the person you want her to be, and I guarantee you that it’s hurtful to her. So perhaps just let her live her life in the way that suits her, and love her for that, rather than despite it.

She sounds like me at that age. I didn’t party or socialise. I had a good group of friends in college but didn’t really see them outside of there. My mum was concerned i was going to drop out of university because I was so introverted.

I LOVED university, I loved having my independence and being able to be where I wanted to be, when I wanted to. I met likeminded people and we would hang out chatting in each other’s rooms or having a drink in the cafe or whatever. I was so comfortable and just wanted to spend time with people who I felt comfortable around.

I remember my university years fondly, I didn’t miss out by not drinking or partying. I joined clubs that I was interested in and had the best time.

I’m still very introverted, but happy to be that way.

Agree with this.

There is nothing wrong with this - might be different if she was unhappy, lonely, didn't like her life, but she sounds very content.

Please don't give her a complex that her introverted ways are wrong or she needs to change. I'd feel reassured by this, knowing she was likely safe etc. let her be who she wants to be 😊

I think most partners are made via work...if thats a concern

My long term friends are all connected from work.different jobs/companies.. I don't have loads but they are good friends.. think quality over quantity....

If she's going to uni she may meet people there she clicks with.. theres all sorts of interests /socials at Uni .... Think there's an afternoon tea one at Exeter! As an example

I know noone from my school days now ... And not many even as a teen although socialsed a bit ...

Dh through friend at work too ..

Leave her to it, shes young yet and you sound quite fixed on what and how she should be....

She doesn’t know what she will do. She loves our city’s museum and would love to work there, but I haven’t ever seen any jobs advertised. She loves history and wants to do it as a degree, but she used to want to be a midwife but said she would be too sensitive for it, which I agree, as she gets tearful easily. She suggested maybe the civil service one day if not a museum of some description. As for volunteering she used to volunteer for a charity and she is hoping to set up a Sunday school at her church. I just don’t want her to end up alone in the future, everyone else in our family has someone whether it be a child or a partner except for her, and we are all quite scattered across the country.

I think you’re over thinking it. She’s 18 and planning to go to uni in September. Her life is only beginning, she’s going to change and go through 101 more phases over the next 10 years. You don’t know how she expects to find a husband staying home making cookies - again, shes 18!

Shes the only one without a partner or child - seriously OP? So what? She’s got her family, accept her! She’s got several years of uni, jobs, etc. to get through. She will have a few boyfriends in time. I had no idea at 18 what job I’d like or how my life would turn out.

If she's got plans for uni and aspirations for work I wouldn't worry too much. I think 18 can actually be a really awkward age, give it time, maybe she'll blossom later or maybe this is how she is.

It sounds like she is interacting with people just fine, getting on with people of different ages is a skill I wish I'd had at her age.

@spiderplant7 all your comments are written through the lens of what you think is important. She clearly doesn’t agree.
She isn’t lonely, she’s comfortable happy confident. She doesn’t need to be the same as anyone else.
Your idea of what constitutes “wasting her youth” is extremely narrow. Perhaps she thinks travelling and partying is wasteful?

I am this introverted. I have not lived with my parents over 20 years and I’m quite fine thank you

Your concerns are valid - you just want her to have a well rounded and fulfilling life. Hopefully university will be a positive influence on her.

She could ask about volunteering opportunities at the museum to see if it’s the sort of life she’d like.
But she sounds just fine.

The more I read, the more I see where other posters are coming from. You actually remind me a lot of my own mother. She has always wanted me to be a mini version of her. To think the same way, to feel how she feels, to adore the people she adores. It's made me massively resentful of her.
Your daughter is her OWN person with her OWN needs and likes. She doesn't have to be like you. She is not obliged to live how you want her to live as she is not you. Why can't you see that?
If you want to maintain a healthy relationship with her, let her be herself and stop forcing your ideals on her. She sounds lovely and you should be proud of her. I would feel so hurt if my mother came on here and wrote a post like that about me. I feel sorry for your daughter to be honest.

You need to accept her as she is...not try to force her to do things she does not enjoy doing.

As long as she is happy then that is all that matters.

She sounds amazing. Confident enough to do what she wants to do. Why do children have to have boyfriends?

@MoveToParis She is having the time of her life. It's so refreshing when you hear of a young person not being influenced by all the social media shite. This takes a lot of confidence.

She sounds fine to me, although I'd add she isn't really a child now.

Please let her be her own person, I’m 51 and I’m still struggling with my mum making it clear I was a total failure because I was quiet and shy .

She sounds amazing, and happy with how she is.
And the comment about her not having a child or partner... she is 18 years old FFS. A couple of years ago, she was a child herself.

Beautiful life for her.
I wish I was "allowed" this some thirty years ago, in my own country.
Needless to say, I'm still dealing with some psychological damage, although more or less
I have the life desired.
YABU.

She has so much time - she's only 18!

I was very much an introvert with few close friends at that age. University, and more than that, an Erasmus scheme year abroad were where I found my tribe - still in touch with them 30+ years later.

I didn't even meet my DP until 10 years post university graduation.

OP this is AIBU, the views expressed on here are not necessarily those of the person posting them.
AIBU is seen by some people as a place to post opinions other than those that they truly believe.
😉

A. She is not a child.
B. She is doing what SHE wants to do.
C. You need to butt out of her life and stop trying to control her.

I really hope she gets in to uni... a long way from home.... she will be absolutely fine.

It's a bit early to start worrying about your daughter 'ending up alone'. How many 18 year olds have a child or a partner? If your daughter decides she wants one, that will be her motivation to go out and meet someone. Or, she might decide she is happiest living alone. People are different.

I don't like this idea of 'She is still young ' or 'She just needs time.' If she continues living her life the way she pleases without feeling like she has to do what everyone expects her to do and be (Be more outgoing, go out drinking and clubbing, marry and have kids) then good on her.

Having a mother who sounds just like the OP has done such a number on my self esteem. I have never felt good enough and she has always made me feel a failure because I haven't married, had kids or have an amazing job.
Your daughter is an adult now, free to live life as she chooses. Respect those choices or expect to damage your relationship with her forever.