Are you twins? The excuse she needs.

[Spacespice]

Name changed to protect identity.

I have a sister who is 12 months younger than me. It’s true that we look similar. Same blonde hair, same brown eyes. I don’t really see anything else that is the same. I’m also about 5 shades lighter than her, as she is more olive toned and I’m fair.

It seems people fall into two camps:
1: Oh my god are you twins
2: You two look nothing alike

The people in camp 1 really piss me off, because my sister is a big girl. Size 24 and carries it on her stomach, neck and tops of arms/legs. I am a size 10-12.

And whilst she has an issue with food, I, knowing I also carry the weight gain gene, make a conscious effort to stay in shape for my height of 5’8. Oh I’m also about 4 inches taller than my sister.

If they said ‘hey, you guys look really similar, you share the same hair/eyes/lips/teeth/insert other feature here’ well that’s not a problem. I think she’s gorgeous.

But twins? Really?

It really triggers my annoyance, probably more so because she responds by looking us both up and down and saying ‘I can’t need to lose that much then’ but she does, she doesn’t see how big she’s getting! And I’m terrified because she isn’t healthy and it might not sound like it from this post, but I love her. I want her to lose weight.

For information. I don’t tell her she needs to lose weight. I just say things like ‘Hey want to come to the gym with me?’ Or ‘Oh I have this recipe for a delicious meal; it’s super light too! Wanna come over and try it?’ Or even ‘Fancy walking in the Forest with me, I’m a bit scared to do it on my own’.

Advice appreciated and if I’m being a brat, you can let me know.

No mine came mostly from my family. Well meaning but constant so I felt too big to exist really. No one was screaming or shouting, just having frequent quiet words that made me feel like I couldn't just be around them

It's like if people felt like you needed a nose job and repetitively mentioned it to you. The nose is on your face, you know it and It people shuts down. People know how risky being fat it, I felt the impact of my weight on every movement.

For me it was about learning to be comfortable with me as I was. That was when I moved into a relationship where I didn't feel ugly or that I need to worry about being too big

Feeling confident in my skin gave me the option of doing things like swimming. I could start loving the body I was in rather than try and punish it

Before I was made to feel like my body was slowly suffocating me and that I couldn't exercise because people would be repulsed, or be staring at me

Have you ever lost a large amount of weight? Say 2 or 3 stones or more? An amount that would move you from 'obese' to 'average'?

If not, then I don't think you have any idea about the messages coming to fat people all day every day. People don't need to be told they're fat and it's bad for them - because they get that message ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

What fat people need are people in their lives who know when to shut the fuck up about their weight and their body and their health and their wellbeing. Prove yourself to be a good friend, a supportive person, a safe person by caring about your friends and family no matter their size. Then if they need support with losing weight, maybe they'll come to you. But they still probably won't. Because if you're thin and judgemental, why would they? They will deal with their weight, one way or another, without you.

I appreciate that people like you mean well. But the shame that you bring to fat people is so painful. The best thing you can do is stick to a strict policy of 'your body, your choice' and remember that they are going through stuff you literally have NO idea about.

It's also worth saying that when I was losing weight the people that i felt comfortable getting support from, exercising with etc were rarely the people who mentioned my weight. The people that did, I either wanted to completely hide from until I felt socially acceptable, or were unable to actually help because they just wanted to make obvious eat less comments. Fat people know about the existence of salads.

Rapid weightless, caused by drastic diets (which for me were always the result of deepshame) are so very rarely successful. The times where I listened, I went holy shit I must change this now, pushed me into extreme diets rather than the actual just moving more, eating less type style

The OP doesn't sound overweight, in fact she's almost identical height/conventional size as me.
You feel the way you feel.
Guess I welcome myself to the "overweight club".
😁

Good God, imagine being compared to a fat person!

As we all know, all fat people are unattractive, lazy, deeply unhappy with themselves, and desperate to be slender and beautiful like you. I imagine your sister wakes up every day wishing she was more like you. I mean, how could she possibly be happy living in a fat body? It’s scientifically proven that fat people are sexless, ugly, lazy, and miserable - every single one of them. There are definitely no beautiful, confident, happy fat people (let alone fat WOMEN) out there. Oh no.

Thoughts and prayers, OP.

Posting concerned about a loved one’s weight is one thing, OP, but beginning your whole post by being pissed off that you are being to compared to someone overweight is just gross. Have a word with yourself.

Yep my mum no doubt meant well with her comments.

For me it was realising, on my own, that I was out of breath walking up a long fight of stairs. So I started a physical hobby and went to the gym.

I agree that for a lot of people, the lightbulb might never flick on. By mentioning it you're not achieving anything, though, in the vast majority of cases. They already know. The media has told them, their doctor has likely told them, they see it in the mirror, they see calories on menus. Information on diet and exercise is readily accessible online.
It's really patronizing to say - oh do you know that you're eating too much, and moving too little? Do you know that being obese is bad for your health?

Barring learning disabilities, THEY KNOW. They're not children. It's ultimately their choice, and if they wanted to/were able to make that choice it would've already been made.

Harping on about it just makes them dislike themselves, you, or both. Disliking your body is never a good place to come from in terms of making changes. It's easy enough for a fit person to go to the gym and take up space - someone who has been repeatedly told that their body is bad from people they love/trust, less so. I've experienced this first hand, and if I've gained weight one month I actually find it HARDER to get motivated to go to the gym - because even though I'm healthy weight now, I have significant psychological scars around 'being acceptable' and fitting in

It's really patronizing to say - oh do you know that you're eating too much, and moving too little? Do you know that being obese is bad for your health?

Why would any conversation start by stating the bleeding obvious like that? Of course that’s guaranteed to piss someone off.

Equally, the pp who is jumping from “have a conversation” to “mention her weight every time you speak to her” doesn’t really have much of a sense of how reasonable, sensitive human beings interact with their loved ones.

As it so happens, my husband and I are both in the obese BMI category and are working towards losing 2 stone each that has crept on to us both in 10 years of marriage, principally to look after our health for the sake of our DS. We have been honest with each other and it’s been hugely important. I can’t actually remember which one of us raised the issue first, but it is a powerful motivator to think about the effect on your family if you die prematurely. And, going back to my original post, I can always rely on my brother to tell it like it is. He doesn’t criticise me, he offers me tips from his own experience of keeping his weight under control. Don’t mind that one bit.

It sounds as if you don't like your sister very much.

They're probably saying twins because you are very close in age, not necessarily because they think you look very similar. Non-identical twins are no more genetically alike than any other siblings.

😁

Of course it hasn’t, because it’s not true. There are countless studies and case profiles full of people who are still fat, who are less fat and aren’t at all fat anymore that will all tell you the same thing. It doesn’t work.
I also never said I took it as an attack, I know they weren’t attacking me, but that doesn’t make you feel any less shit about yourself. It simply does not work as a method to get people to lose weight and maintain it. That has to come from inside. You fundamentally don’t understand how obesity works.
you don’t have to pussy foot around either, you could just mind your business.

Well non identical twins just look like siblings anyway so unless there is a massive age gap then most adult siblings could look like twins. I don't look like either of my siblings but my dc all look quite alike, especially ds3 and ds5.

"she doesn’t see how big she’s getting!"

Trust me she does OP. She is a size 24. You probably annoy the hell out of her because she knows you want her to lose weight even if you are "subtle" about it.

Just be a loving supportive sister to her. If she wants your help on an exercise programme or diet she will ask for it. Quit with your "subtle" suggestions. She is not stupid, she knows what they mean.