Are you twins? The excuse she needs.

[Spacespice]

Name changed to protect identity.

I have a sister who is 12 months younger than me. It’s true that we look similar. Same blonde hair, same brown eyes. I don’t really see anything else that is the same. I’m also about 5 shades lighter than her, as she is more olive toned and I’m fair.

It seems people fall into two camps:
1: Oh my god are you twins
2: You two look nothing alike

The people in camp 1 really piss me off, because my sister is a big girl. Size 24 and carries it on her stomach, neck and tops of arms/legs. I am a size 10-12.

And whilst she has an issue with food, I, knowing I also carry the weight gain gene, make a conscious effort to stay in shape for my height of 5’8. Oh I’m also about 4 inches taller than my sister.

If they said ‘hey, you guys look really similar, you share the same hair/eyes/lips/teeth/insert other feature here’ well that’s not a problem. I think she’s gorgeous.

But twins? Really?

It really triggers my annoyance, probably more so because she responds by looking us both up and down and saying ‘I can’t need to lose that much then’ but she does, she doesn’t see how big she’s getting! And I’m terrified because she isn’t healthy and it might not sound like it from this post, but I love her. I want her to lose weight.

For information. I don’t tell her she needs to lose weight. I just say things like ‘Hey want to come to the gym with me?’ Or ‘Oh I have this recipe for a delicious meal; it’s super light too! Wanna come over and try it?’ Or even ‘Fancy walking in the Forest with me, I’m a bit scared to do it on my own’.

Advice appreciated and if I’m being a brat, you can let me know.

You're offended that people think you look alike, as you think you look much better than your sister. It didn't come across as concern for her health.

What a load of nasty replies!
If I were you I'd feel the same OP.
And I don't think you're policing her food.
As for not being subtle , you sound lovely
How are you supposed to act /, say?

As hard as it’s been to hear, I have no choice but to take on board what’s been said and reflect on my own relationship with weight.

I accept that there may be some truths that I haven’t admitted to myself around the comparison, and that stems from my own prejudice, probably from being a fat child who was bullied due to weight. Now it seems I’m making the same mistake.

Thank you all for input, both supportive and the vast majority of tellings off, which I accept. I can’t take back what I’ve thought, said or done, but I can aim to be a bit more compassionate going forward.

I apologise to anyone who has been hurt or offended by my original post.

Not at all. You are manipulating what I am saying.

This has been scientifically researched. Various scientific articles on how the role of skin colour plays a part in facial recognition. Those classified as having African were far better at facial recognition than those classified as white Caucasian.

There is even research showing discrimination in facial recognition technology against black young females!

You know twins can be different weights right?

Fair play for taking the comments on the chin @Spacespice hopefully it'll lead to a better relationship with your sister, and yourself!

Erm, twins can go on to be totally different shapes and sizes in life. It doesn’t mean you don’t still look alike.
Maybe people just spot something in your facial features that really looks similar?

Twins don’t have to be identical either. My twins are boy girl, one has Down syndrome and the other not. The idea that you couldn’t be twins because one is larger than the other is ridiculous. I get asked if they are twins because they are clearly a similar age. If there is only one year between you both probably look the same age!

The thing is this. If family member’s and their concerned ‘helpful’ hints worked? There would be way fewer fat people. When fat people are telling you that it doesn’t work, that it just fat people feel like shit don’t you think you/the world in general should listen to them?
I only lost some weight when I decided I was worth it. And being constantly reminded I was fat and people making comments where they’d clearly been talking about me behind my back did nothing to make me feel worth it. It’s that simple.

What an excellent response.

one think that stands out to me is you said she replies with something along the lines of ‘I can’t be that fat then’. It seems like you BOTH share the same idea that weight means you can’t look alike. That you both think that makes me wonder if it’s something that was said to you as children etc. You both manifest food issues in different ways, and that usually means it’s been passed on from family. Maybe some therapy would be beneficial for you both to unpack some of that.

@Spacespice well done for reflecting on what's been said here this morning. I actually had a somewhat similar (although I am fat) reflection that stopped me in my tracks a few years ago.
As I say, I'm fat, size 16-18. I have a cousin who is really overweight, size 24-26. One day talking to an uncle I see rarely he suddenly said oh goodness you're Freckle, I got you mixed up with Cousin, you're so alike.
I was so offended that he had got me confused with my massively overweight cousin when I had lost weight recently and thought I was looking well. It took me quite a while to realise it was all in my head about weight and I should have been incredibly flattered to be mixed up with my 10 years younger, stunningly beautiful cousin with to die for cheekbones and piercing blue eyes. And when I stopped just looking at weight (as that was what was in my head ALL THE TIME) I actually started seeing how he mixed us up. And feeling better about myself that I look well.
If you can reframe your thinking so it's not always about weight you might find it healthy

You know twins don't have to look the same or be the same size right? what has weight got to do with anything

Do you know what twins are? I mean you get boy/girl twins, they don't assume people mean the girl has a cock when calling them twins lol.

People mean twins to be the same age and at a year apart its a common mistake especially when young.

My DH was often mistaken as a twin because although a year apart his brother is short and he is tall so they where the same height all through childhood until teen when DH got tall and BIL stayed short and people stopped assuming twins. They look nothing alike though.

I don’t really get why the twins comment bothers you, as it’s just people saying you look so alike in terms of your natural features (hair, eyes etc). It may also be your mannerisms that are very similar:
But weight is a whole separate issue, your weight changes due to lifestyle etc. You could have identical twins where one is a size 24 and the other 10. No one is calling you fat when they say you look like her, they are focusing on your other features and mannerisms.

I think this is a great response, OP. Work on being a safe person for your sister to be around, and also on learning to value yourself beyond what you look like. Also a great thing to do if you have kids - model that self love and acceptance of others that makes life so much better.

Is it called a weight issue when you’re concerned about an overweight relative? Or want to keep yourself slim?

I'm not remotely manipulating what you're saying. You said that your black colleague with Afro hair is better at noticing/describing facial features than most, and this is because people from families with the same hair and skin colour are better at doing this.

I pointed out that in MOST families, people have the same hair and skin colour, and your comment sounds like you think only black people do. It made me wonder if you think all black people look the same.

Now you're saying that's not what you meant. Just that Africans are better at facial recognition than Caucasians, apparently, according to research. So (assuming that's true) what's that got to do with people coming from families with the same hair/skin colour?

You might think you're making sense, but I promise you you're really not.

Has it occurred to you that there might be far more overweight people if some people hadn’t ben honest with their overweight loved ones? You can’t tell though, can you, because the ones for whom it worked are no longer visibly underweight.

I’ve already been clear that I don’t advocate “helpful hints” pussyfooting anyway.

Just because you were the type to double down and reframe people’s concerns as attacks, gossip and judgment that doesn’t mean that it won’t work for others.

Also struggling to understand the mental gymnastics involved in having someone say “You matter to me so much and I’m worried that you will die a premature death” and turning that into “I’m worthless”.

It’s literally the opposite of what is being said.

On the other hand, if you know you are putting your health at risk and nobody close to you ever says a thing about it, stands to reason you’d conclude they don’t care much about you at all.

To be honest I think your OP reads like you are disgusted people would compare you to her because she is fat.

My sister is 15 years older than me, at times has had completely different hair colour, and people still refer to us as 'looking exactly the same!!!' because we have a similar facial structure, same eyes, similar height. I don't then become angry because I somehow infer that people are calling me old.

It's possible to look very similar to your sister whilst she's overweight and you're not. You need to work on your self esteem if such an innocuous comment is affecting you in this way.

Oh, and no overweight person ever turned their life around because of other people's comments/'helpful' tips. They have to want to do it themselves.

I lived with a 'tough love' kind of mum, who would feel the need to tell me I'd gained weight - as though I didn't already know.

Didn't magically make me skinnier. Just made me dislike her!

Because imagine you've got something you're self conscious about, and imagine everytime you go somewhere people comment on it.
What it does is cause people to be ashamed and want to hide away

For someone like me constant comments on weight, just make me want to hide away. It took me a long time to feel confident to exercise because I felt I was too fat to exercise. As per the previous suggestions I wasn't going to get in a swim suit because I felt too big, especially not in front of the person that keeps pointing it out. Exercising etc is vulnerable, you're out of puff, bright red, unfit and clearly all wobbly. I don't want to do that if i feel self conscious
For many people, there's an emotional component to over eating. Making someone feel shameful is likely to encourage comfort binging in private

A huge deal for me was learning to eat in public. I grew up with a lot of scrutiny around what I ate, or just a lot of comments like "woah that's a huge portion", "sure you need all that sauce?", "a salad would be nice and light". This pushed me into secret eating, I felt as a fat person eating in public I was too on show, too open for wellmeaning comments, so would binge in private. Doing stuff like eating a normal lunch at work of normal portion sizes, was what I needed and is now really helpful. Weirdly once I lost the weight people stop commenting so I could do it, but it was a vicious cycle when I was big.

What I needed was to embrace myself as I was, stop waiting to be thinner to do exercise and stop thinking about my weight. Once my confidence grew I wanted to do stuff like walk more, spend time with friends and family. All stuff we know is part of the long term cycle of weight management

To the previous two posters, I am not talking about a “tough love” approach or the snide comments of random people. I am talking about sensitively but straightforwardly-expressed concern by a close relative.

To those who insist that people need to be left alone to decide they want to lose weight, what exactly is it that makes you wake up one day and decide unilaterally? For a lot of people that day will never come. Don’t people ever make decisions based on discussions with people they trust?