Are you twins? The excuse she needs.

[Spacespice]

Name changed to protect identity.

I have a sister who is 12 months younger than me. It’s true that we look similar. Same blonde hair, same brown eyes. I don’t really see anything else that is the same. I’m also about 5 shades lighter than her, as she is more olive toned and I’m fair.

It seems people fall into two camps:
1: Oh my god are you twins
2: You two look nothing alike

The people in camp 1 really piss me off, because my sister is a big girl. Size 24 and carries it on her stomach, neck and tops of arms/legs. I am a size 10-12.

And whilst she has an issue with food, I, knowing I also carry the weight gain gene, make a conscious effort to stay in shape for my height of 5’8. Oh I’m also about 4 inches taller than my sister.

If they said ‘hey, you guys look really similar, you share the same hair/eyes/lips/teeth/insert other feature here’ well that’s not a problem. I think she’s gorgeous.

But twins? Really?

It really triggers my annoyance, probably more so because she responds by looking us both up and down and saying ‘I can’t need to lose that much then’ but she does, she doesn’t see how big she’s getting! And I’m terrified because she isn’t healthy and it might not sound like it from this post, but I love her. I want her to lose weight.

For information. I don’t tell her she needs to lose weight. I just say things like ‘Hey want to come to the gym with me?’ Or ‘Oh I have this recipe for a delicious meal; it’s super light too! Wanna come over and try it?’ Or even ‘Fancy walking in the Forest with me, I’m a bit scared to do it on my own’.

Advice appreciated and if I’m being a brat, you can let me know.

My dds friend is a twin. Her twin is a boy. Twin ≠ identical. Like you say you both look similar, are both around the same age, people aren't too far off. Someone once assumed dh was my dad, that was a wild guess, guessing that sisters who are 12months apart in age are twins not so much.

Stop being annoyed about trivial things, life is much nicer once you free yourself of such annoyances.

So may people on this thread in denial about the health risks of obesity.

OP, I suggest that you have a listen to the podcast that the Van Tulleken twins did. One put on a lot of weight, the other was concerned for him. Both doctors. They talk a lot about how they communicated with each other, what worked and what rubbed each other up the wrong way.

It’s called “Thorough Examination” and series 1 Addicted to Food is what you want. Episode 3 is about the psychology and how they relate to each other.

Funnily enough, sometimes people only decide they want to change when they realise that other people really are noticing.

Your sister knows she is obese and probably hates it. But personally I think it's like any other addiction like drinking or drugs, there is nothing you can do to help her until she wants it.

So sadly yes, you have to sit there and watch her slowly kill herself.

Not one poster here has downplayed the health risks.

All we're saying is that the OP clearly feels better than her sister because she 'took control of her weight in her teens and is now mortified if she and her sister are mistaken as twins.

The OP clearly has as much an issue with weight as her sister, neither seem to have a healthy relationship with food or body image.

Size 24 is huge and will undoubtedly give her all kinds of health issues now or in the future including diabetes, high blood pressure, heart issues, eyesight issues, mobility issues.

That's not a judgement, it's fact. It's incredibly hard watching someone you love do that to themselves and it's near on impossible to stand by and watch your twin suffer.

It's easy to say "just look after yourself" but in reality, most of us love our family (especially twins) and it's painful to watch them cause themselves big health issues.

OP - I don't think people are putting you down, it will be blatantly obvious you're not the same size. But twins aren't always the same size, especially non-identical ones.

It sounds like you've gotten to the point where you need to address the issue in order to not harbour negative emotions about her weight. "Sister, I'm getting concerned about your health as I regularly see you out of breath and I'm concerned that your weight is going to lead to some serious long term health issues that could make your life difficult. If you'd rather I not say anything, I won't ever again, but if you want any support I'm here for you. If you fancy a walk or swim with me a few times a week, give me a shout. Or even if you just want a listening ear".

If you are really just worried about your sister’s weight, why not start a thread about how to support your sister to lose weight?

Seems to me from the post that you actually wrote that your main issue is being offended by the comparison with her.

I think it’s clear that the OP has left her sister in no doubt that her weight has been noticed, don’t you?

there is no conversation to be had. her sister knows she’s fat. She knows. She doesn’t need anyone to tell her.

So you don't like people asking if you are twins because you definitely don't think you look anything like your fat sister and are appalled that other people might think that you do.

I've no idea how you're framing this in your head as being about protecting your sister from thinking that she's not that fat if other people think you look alike.

You can't control what other people think. If they think you look alike, and it happens often, then you probably do.

Your sister isn't stupid. She knows she's fat. Either she's ok with it and you need to leave her alone, or she's miserable about it and you still need to leave her alone unless she asks for help.

No, I think that OP unfortunately used an illustrative example which has sent people off down a track of accusing her of thinking that it’s all about her.

I mean, yes, to a certain extent it is all about OP as the ultimate aim is to have her sister with her for a long life.

However those who are claiming it’s all because she is mortified, embarrassed or sees her sister as the example of what will happen to her if she loses control over her own weight are just doing that typical thing of jumping on the Mumsnet “bash the OP” bandwagon. I mean, calling her a “judgmental cunt”?! That is just someone getting off on the ability to abuse people from behind a shield of anonymity.

OP is just someone who is worried for his sister’s health. She thinks her sister is in denial about her weight and this is almost certainly true. She has illustrated this with the “twins” anecdote but it’s a total red herring. She’s asked for advice about how to help her sister get into a place where she is ready to take action.

Armchair psychologists trot out the old “you can only change when you want to” trope in order to justify standing back and doing nothing. That is drastically over-simplifying things.

Your sister is NEVER going to come to you and ask for support with losing weight, because you have shown her time and again that you feel superior to her, think she is out of control, don't understand her, and patronise her. Also, you are slim - slim people have ZERO idea what it's like being fat and no experience of trying to lose weight and keep it off. You think you know better than her because you're slim. But in fact, she knows way better than you do what issues she is facing. Unless you've slimmed down from a similar weight, then you have no idea what you're talking about, and your 'subtle' suggestions to your sister must be so painful for her to always have to hear.

So my advice would be to stop talking to her about her weight, your weight, either of your looks. Focus on your friendship and the things you have in common. NEVER comment on her food, weight, exercise etc unless she brings it up first, and then only in support of her. And NEVER talk about your own weight or body, either, because she knows you're only doing that as a way of judging or shaming her. She's never going to confide in you when there's so much judgment oozing from your every word. The only chance you have is if you show you can be a trustworthy person who loves and accepts her whether she's fat or thin. So far, you've made it obvious you're not a safe person for her. Maybe you can change that over time.

Im not sure you understand how twins work.

People are actually saying you look similar in age which you are

Fraternal twins is the same amount of shared genetics as any siblings. This is the most common type of twins hence boy girl twins etc

Identical is different but enviroment plays a huge factor. Picture someone who decides to drop a load of weight, start body building to the extreme. They are still genetically the same as when they started

Also I think it's a shame that you don't want people to say you look related to your sister because you don't want to be associated with her fatness

Obviously even if you were identical twins it would be possible for one to be fat and one to be thin. When people say you look like twins they probably don’t mean based on weight, they mean you have similar facial features.

The "twins" vs "nothing alike" comment is normal for ALL siblings. People see different things when they look at people, so some will see huge similarities whilst others see differences.

One of my best mates (black, afro hair) is amazing at feature recognition as when you have a family where you all have the same hair and skin colour, you notice other features more easily. We work in a large school and when we have to give a description of a pupil (impossible to know all their names) she is just SO good at it, whereas I struggle and go with the obvious of hair colour and style.

when you have a family where you all have the same hair and skin colour, you notice other features more easily

... What? What the fuck are you talking about? Do you think all black people look the same or something, because that's what it sounds like? Do you realise that most people in most families have the same skin and hair colour? @TheSerenePinkOrca

From the OP:
"The people in camp 1 really piss me off, because my sister is a big girl. Size 24 and carries it on her stomach, neck and tops of arms/legs. I am a size 10-12.

And whilst she has an issue with food, I, knowing I also carry the weight gain gene, make a conscious effort to stay in shape for my height of 5’8. Oh I’m also about 4 inches taller than my sister.

If they said ‘hey, you guys look really similar, you share the same hair/eyes/lips/teeth/insert other feature here’ well that’s not a problem. I think she’s gorgeous.

But twins? Really?

It really triggers my annoyance, probably more so because she responds by looking us both up and down and saying ‘I can’t need to lose that much then’ but she does, she doesn’t see how big she’s getting! And I’m terrified because she isn’t healthy and it might not sound like it from this post, but I love her. I want her to lose weight.

For information. I don’t tell her she needs to lose weight. I just say things like ‘Hey want to come to the gym with me?’ Or ‘Oh I have this recipe for a delicious meal; it’s super light too! Wanna come over and try it?’ Or even ‘Fancy walking in the Forest with me, I’m a bit scared to do it on my own’.

Advice appreciated and if I’m being a brat, you can let me know."

The OP is clearly mortified that the people who think they are twins might not have noticed the weight difference. The majority if that post is pointing out the differences between them and clearly states she would be happy if people mentioned facial features, i.e, make it clear they're not comparing body types.

The concern is tagged on at the end as an afterthought, that is being judgemental.

@Spacespice , your subtle hints are not subtle.

Like your sister, I am size 24.

Your sister will lose weight or not, depending upon complicated factors that have absolutely nothing to do with you and your approval.

The only time to mention ‘light’ recipes is when she asks you for advice or support.

I stopped spending time with the ‘helpful hints’ people because they made me feel shite. Do you want to be that person in your sister’s life?

Unless you’ve had your genome mapped, you have literally no idea what genes you share with any of your family members. HTH.

Another post that sounds completely made up to have a go at people who are overweight. What do people get out of this? 🤪

Exactly. You've managed to centre yourself in this op.

The people in camp 1 really piss me off, because my sister is a big girl. Size 24 and carries it on her stomach, neck and tops of arms/legs. I am a size 10-12.

I don’t even understand this comment. Do twins need to be exactly the same size? Can someone only look like you if they’re the same size as you?

My friend and her sister are twins. My friend is a size 20 and her sister is a size 8/10. They still look exactly the same in their face. It seems that you’re more bothered that your fatty mcfatty sister is getting compared to you

People who say it are those seeing us together for the first time, so it is physical resemblance. She definitely sees this as also being weight related as she will comment that she doesn’t need to do anything. That’s what annoys the most.

Yes, it bothers you because no matter how “gorgeous” your sister is, you just don’t want to be seen as having any resemblance to an overweight person. You know well that when your sister makes those comments, she knows it’s not true. I would bet anything that she makes them to wind you up, knowing you hate that.