Invited to celebrate my twin sisters birthday

[Megssy]

Just that really...

Having a weekend away for our 40 th next year. Same group of friends and obviously same family. But my friends keep referring to it as my twin sisters birthday and not mine 🤔. Tonight a joint friend said we would have to have a drink at a later date since we were going away for my twin sister's birthday. Im super irritated by this. Aibu? It's weird right?

For back ground we have a strained relationship but despite this have a very close (or so I thought) set of friends and always kept are issues separate

The only reason I can think for the distinction is that she is inviting her in-laws. But I said not to invite mine as they live 200 miles away

Who has organised the weekend OP? Your sister or someone else? Are the friends more her friends than yours?

If they’ve both organised the party then it’s not terrible advice.

I didn’t see op had said anywhere that only her sister organised the party. Fair enough if so

@Megssy , may I ask: are you two identical twins? (This is important to understanding some of the psychology of this)

Wow thanks. Wasn't expecting so many replies. Still reading through but to answer some questions.

As a twin we have had same friendship groups our whole life so sharing birthdays is the norm. She bought a house in the village I live a few years after moved here. We have since had kids the same age who are naturally in the same friendship group and we established a mum friendship group following this .

No official invites. A chat in the pub followed by my sister booking and collecting money from ppl. We are a group of 5 couples and all go away several times a year together. Cheap weekends in haven mostly

She's a natural organiser. Lots of ideas generated in social gatherings and you can be sure my sister will follow instantaneously with organising and sorting everything. Not me being lazy or unwilling just that she is super keen. Whatever the occasion, new year, weekends away, family occasions you can be sure she will sort everything out and more. That applies to everyone not just me. I always offer to help behind scenes . Ie might do the food or something

I've just had a baby so been absent from some drinking nights out but stupidly assumed once baby was here I would be included again. I have since been made aware of "secret" nights out that have happened. When I confronted my sister an argument kicked off

Guess I'm out the loop. Not going to lie I'm feeling massively upset by this .

If I go I will feel humiliated and awkward. If I don't go I will be upset and risk being accused of causing a scene. So I'm stuck 😩

Ps it would have been manipulated by my sister for sure . She's not a very nice person but ppl never really get involved.

What would you like to do for your birthday?
If you weren't a twin, and she hadn't already organised this, what would you choose to do?
Whatever it is I would do that and view the two of you as separate individuals. Perhaps now is a good time to start finding your own friendship group that doesn't involve her.

Also if we had separate friends then I would get on board with it being her birthday weekend but they are our established friend group of 3 years and our family. These are the ppl we spend new years with, holidays, meals ,gym. We help with school pickups and school holidays.

The advice to distance myself I agree but it's so difficult when I see these girls daily and our kids are so close too . I hate this situation.

Sorry I can't figure out how to reply to posts so posting separately in reply to some comments.

If I threw a party it would be exactly the same group of ppl. Excluding her in-laws. They are attending for the day not staying for the weekend .

There was limited rooms so no space for my in-laws along with travel logistics which is why i said not to worry about them.

So what you are describing is actually enmeshment.

You live in the same place, have the same friends, go to the same school. So it is basically impossible for you to have any kind of separate life or identity.
This is really common with twins. Some have no idea how to really live or survive without the other, they are like two of the same person - but are of course not the same person at all. So it creates conflict.

In your place given your predicament. I would go to the weekend away absolutely.

You can prepare the ground now for this by organising coffee individually with each friend alone and explain you feel out of the loop with your new baby and would like to feel more part of things again. Be honest and congruent about how you are feeling. Build up your friendships individually again and quietly, no need for your sister to be involved.

In your place, I would organise a special birthday treat for yourself and your own little family besides the weekend away. That way if it is a bit rubbish, or all about your sister then you won't care as much, and it will be easier to let it go. Plan something just for you op.

Please don't ever expect people to take sides, ever. They will never do it. It would be a cruel thing if they did. They care about you both. They won't want to be involved with anything that could cause a rift.

Start developing interests and hobbies outside of your current group, so that you can have more choices if things were to change. Make new friends, be open to new experiences. Don't live your life in the twin bubble. Be separate sometimes, but not in a drama way that might cause hurt, but by simply expanding your horizons.

I am the dd of enmeshed twins, please don't forget your kids in all of this, it should not always be about your sister (my stuff I know) They want some part of you as well. Make time for them.

Also not a freeloader. Most social gatherings are at my house. We have the bigger house. My husband is a chef so he always does all the food. And I earn well so I usually finance everything.

For example. Christmas we host. We have a big family so last Christmas was for 16 people plus more boxing day then our traditional new year party with the same ppl going to this 40th party ( plus a few extras who are my husband's friends).

Celebrating your birthday doesn't have to be a party though. It doesn't have to be all of those people, I've never had a big party like that as an adult, I'll have a 'picky' tea with my parents and sibling as that is what we always do and I'm a single parent with no partner then I plan a specific day out with DD and myself, possibly a friend and do something I enjoy.

It could be a trip to London to see a West End show, or to your local theatre, a city break with one or two friends, a day out to the zoo or other attraction with your partner, children and possibly their grandparents (either side or both) - your sister doesn't have to be invited

@Hummingbird75 thanks so much this is really sound advice. And you 100% seem to understand my predicament.
I have recently become very enthusiastic about the gym and what I've been spending my mat leave on and hoping to establish a new friendship group but it's hard after being so close with these people and as you say my kids would be impacted

To other comments about twins. I am big on being treating individually. We always say to "our" friends to not feel obligated to invite us both
But a group situation I would expect to both be invited

An example across recently where my son invited a twin friend and not the other and his mum was most upset by this and spoke to me about it. I stressed to her from my own experiences as a twin how important it was for her kids to be individual and encourage individual hobbies interests and friendship groups

Sounds like she's a bit jealous.....You have the bigger house......you have the husband who is a chef....you earn well and usually finance everything....

Let her have her moment of glory and be magnanimous. "Yes WE'RE going to have a lovely Birthday thanks to dear sis organising it all."

Just go with the flow this once and graciously praise her.

Thanks I do get the point . But all I do I praise her. Jealousy is the main reason for animosity in our relationship. One reason I take a back seat. The only reason I mention this was just to be clear that I don't want or expect her to the organising. She does it because she wants to not cos she is picking up my slack.

I often take a back seat so as not to tread on her toes. Its never reciprocated. I put up with a lot from her. This just has pushed me over the edge . It feels vindictive to me but just wanted to see others opinions. It feels quite mixed

Of course the opinions are mixed. We know very little about the situation and knew even less before your updates on this page, so everyone is responding mostly based on their life and their own situation.
Now it is up to you to sift through it and decide what and how is relevant for you.

What do you want to do now?
You can ask your sister privately, whether it means you should start planning your own birthday celebration.
You can come and observe the chaos.
You can can pick any other suggestion.

This doesn't really align with your other comment:
She's a natural organiser. Lots of ideas generated in social gatherings and you can be sure my sister will follow instantaneously with organising and sorting everything. Not me being lazy or unwilling just that she is super keen. Whatever the occasion, new year, weekends away, family occasions you can be sure she will sort everything out and more. That applies to everyone not just me. I always offer to help behind scenes . Ie might do the food or something

I get that life isn't neat and tidy, but it can't be both you usually host everything AND your sister usually organises everything. So most likely you both like being "the hostess" and having attention, and that is the root of what's upsetting you here. This will be a tricky one to take on board - but how about considering the high probability that nobody else cares who is hosting? Why are you both so desperate for attention from others? Is it just the need to distinguish yourselves from each other, or something more?

It sounds like as you've not been around as much that perhaps your sister has been talking about you behind your back and getting between you and the friend group.

The only thing you can do is speak to your sister.

@GRex Ha nope i don't like being the hostess. I don't dislike it either . I'm very laid back. My organising is ill give you a time and date and fill in details later.

If you're so laid back, why aren't you willing to just enjoy your sister's party and set up a separate event of your own?

Maybe its a secret surprise party for you

@GRex I think it's a bit awkward and a bit weird on personally 🤷

"Awkward" is your personal response rather than anything to do with her. Lots of people have explained about other twins who have separate parties, so it really isn't "weird". She's shared 39 birthday parties, have you checked if she is willing to share this one too? If not, can you really not manage to let her have one party that's just for her, while you have a different celebration?

Bonkers. What are they thinking

This is so weird and you are right to be annoyed!!! I

If it was me I would decline the invite since she wants to celebrate her 40th birthday separately. Simply invite the people you choose to a event of your choosing.