Invited to celebrate my twin sisters birthday

[Megssy]

Just that really...

Having a weekend away for our 40 th next year. Same group of friends and obviously same family. But my friends keep referring to it as my twin sisters birthday and not mine 🤔. Tonight a joint friend said we would have to have a drink at a later date since we were going away for my twin sister's birthday. Im super irritated by this. Aibu? It's weird right?

For back ground we have a strained relationship but despite this have a very close (or so I thought) set of friends and always kept are issues separate

The only reason I can think for the distinction is that she is inviting her in-laws. But I said not to invite mine as they live 200 miles away

I think I would need to have a clarifying conversation with my sister in this case as to how she sees things.

I used to know a pair of twins who had joint parties through childhood but after 16 had individual parties even though the other twin was invited. Their interests were different but they did share a few friends. One was male and the other female so maybe that was why they preferred their own celebrations. They still got on well.

Your situation is very different to being a twin

Sounds like it is yr sisters party, did u see the invites?

A very good point. Are they actually your friends, op?

With the exception of their school friends, it's very obvious who's friend is who's with my twins. Sure, they all intermingle on account of the boys being best friends, and some of them might even occassionally hang out one-on-one with the other twin's friends, but there is never any doubt to whom every friend's loyalities lay and which twin they would stick with if they were forced to choose.

I would start talking to friends and family about how much you’re looking forward to your joint celebrations, it’s a big birthday, you’re excited everyone is coming to celebrate your birthday etc. make it very clear before you go that it’s for your birthday too. If anyone suggests drinks at a later date, say oh no I don’t need 2 celebrations! The weekend will be fantastic for mine and sisters birthday, we can’t wait. Make it clear before you go otherwise it’s going to be a really horrible weekend for you

Not that much different, anyone close to them will know they share a birthday.

Well twin siblings are no different than any other sibling- why wouldn’t she be allowed to have a party for herself on her birthday- yes i know its your birthday too but lets say your best friend had the same birthday as you and organised to go away for the weekend on her birthday and invited you and other friends, would you feel the same way? Its the twin thing that is clouding your judgement she is still a separate person xx

Are you contributing to the party? If she's organised and paying for things then yes it's her party. We haven't seen the invite (have we?) so that would clear things up for us.

To be honest thinking about this more in regards to my own twins i have boy/girl twins who are 9 and yes ATM celebrates their birthday on the same day but what if when they are older my girl twin plans a girls weekend for her birthday therefore boy twin not invited? Would i expect him to kick off damanding its his birthday too? And girl twin should have thought of that before planning her birthday? No, i think you’re being a bit unreasonable is my vote sorry.

That’s a completely different scenario to the one in the OP

I would start talking to friends and family about how much you’re looking forward to your joint celebrations,

but is it a joint celebration? Did op and twin together discuss how they would celebrate their birthday, together decide on a weekend away, together discuss where they should go? Did each of them spend time searching for suitable venues and jointly decide on which to book? Did they jointly decide on activities for the weekend? Did they send out invitations in both their names? Has op shared in ordering and paying for food?

Or has twin done all the planning and organising?

I think they are pulling your leg
I wouldn't worry about it

Me and my sister are born on the same day but she is 15 years older than me. I always refer to her as my twin.

When’s organising, who’s paying, and how were people invited? We need to know these things before we can judge if YABU or not.

Yes, @Megssy , tell us the details 😃

Just correct them and say oh you mean mine and Jane's birthday?

This is really terrible advice. OP has no right to just usurp the party her twin organised. She needs to agree with her sibling if she wants to share the event, and accept if that isn't what her twin fancies this year.

I have direct experience of this. In my case my mother and her twin sister.

My aunt decided she was sick of sharing birthday celebrations (also a 40th) and she hosted a huge party and had told her friends it was her special party. They were respectful naturally of her need to do something for herself. My mother was very hurt, and eventually my aunt invited her too, but it was still considered her party.

I wonder if this is the case here?

If it is genuinely a joint weekend away, organised by you both from the beginning then take some control. Set up a whatsapp group of everyone invited, and start a new chat that says 'Our 40th Birthday Weekend' and then say my sister and I can not wait to celebrate our 40th birthday with all of you, these are the details for x,y and z and please confirm you are able to attend etc'

You can take control, and assert yourself. If you hear any further references to it being your sister's party, I think you should say it is our birthday and I am glad you can come or words to that affect.

If you have piggy backed her celebration through FOG then there is a deeper issue here that needs to be explored, and will be very complex.

Not really its one twin complaining the other twin has planned a party on her own birthday? I don’t really see the issue 🤷🏻‍♀️ of course the friends are going to say im going to Twin1 birthday party and we can have a party for twin2 when we get back xx

It’s complicated with twins, just as it is with any sibling dynamic, but it can be exacerbated with twins, because they’re often referred to as “one” person, ie, “the twins” this and “the twins” that, rather than referring to them as individuals by name.

I’d be interested to know the dynamic prior to / the lead up to this party. The reason I say this is because DH is a twin, and his twin has displayed lots of “freeloader” behaviours over the years. We offered our house as the venue for a joint 40th celebration for family. DH said he wanted his own birthday cake, as he has rarely had his own cake and wanted his own for once this year. Fair enough, I thought. Turns out, the twin’s expectation was that we pay for / prepare all of the food and drink, and they simply turn up like the other guests at the party time. The twin even breezily said, “Mum can prepare / bring abc and our other sibling can prepare / bring xyz.” DH had to spell it out to the twin that it was a joint effort for a joint gathering. DH put together a menu with the twin and allocated who would purchase / prepare what. I later received a text from the twin’s OH with a description of the cake I should be ordering in, as this is what cake the twin wanted. I texted back that DH asked for his own cake this time, and told the twin’s OH that they should order / bring that cake for the twin.

This doesn't seem to be uncommon amongst mutual friend groups. I remember a while ago, reading a subreddit with lots of similar incidents. It's as if some people can't get their heads around the fact that being friends or related to twins, means there's 2 birthdays, not just the one who is the loudest!

Have you jointly arranged and paid for the weekend away and party?

If not, it is her party, with you invited too.

@Megssy

You need to clarify if this party is one that your twin is making all the effort for and throwing to celebrate his/her birthday or was it clearly intended to be a joint birthday party all along and says so on the invites?

It sounds like your twin got in there first and as your relationship with them is already strained, then I think you should either attend and arrange your own celebration a bit later or decline attending and do your own thing on the day instead.

Your twin is allowed to do stuff without you including celebrating their birthday and you can do the same too.

However, why do you still have joint friends? Maybe the time has come to break away completely?

It’s complicated with twins, just as it is with any sibling dynamic, but it can be exacerbated with twins, because they’re often referred to as “one” person, ie, “the twins” this and “the twins” that, rather than referring to them as individuals by name.

Mine we’re never labeled ‘the twins’ how absolutely horrid!

They always had separate birthday parties and invited their friends - we did one joint party at the end of year 6 -

They always had their own cake.

They always chose what type of party / how many friends / etc

We had a joint family tea in the day and parties did die rent weekends.

DS once had a party 6 months later as it was a summer activity!!

Celebrate how and when you want.

Is it her friends and she's including you? I would redress that balance by inviting a friend who is clearly YOUR friend. Even though, tbh, the people who are referring to it as 'her' birthday not your (plural) birthday sound a bit thick.
I have friends who are twins and i met one first, so understand some of the issues that have come up over the years for them. This sounds typical. Little things, but they both need to have their own equally respected differentiated identity within their ''twinship''