Is DH going out with his ex normal?

[missmam]

Genuinely asking if this is normal or if im over reacting.

My Recent DH (the marriage part, we've been together over two years) and I had dissagreements in beginning of our relationship over his lack of boundaries with his ex. He asked if I'd mind if he slept over there once cause his kids would like him there for breakfast and I realised he sent the same photos from a work trip to his ex as me (ostensibly to show kids). Sometime after he's finished facetimeing kids he just stays on with her and they chat away. But it has got better and his boundaries have seemingly improved since then.

Now he's just told me the four of them want to go to some show at a castle together for a day out that the kids have been dying to see and she's managed to get tickets? AIBU? I'm in the middle of IVF cycle so not really trusting my emotions!

He should have stayed married to her if that's the kind of relationship he wants. Maybe pause the IVF.

I think it’s nice for the kids if both parents can enjoy a day out with them together.

So his not going out with his ex. His going somewhere with his children as is their mother… yes it’s a family day out but his not say going out for a date with his ex.

@CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease is that what you’re able to do with your ex if you have one of is it something you think would be nice if it happened for others.

I would definitely not be ok with that at all. You are not being unreasonable. Have you told him you’re not ok with it? It’s crazy that you even need to to be honest but 🤷🏻‍♀️.

When I first started going out with DH the boundaries weren’t amazing between him and his ex. It’s completely different now.

You’ve been together long enough, and are now married too. If you don’t feel comfortable with the phone calls, sharing pictures, going on trips, then they shouldn’t be happening.

Sorry I wouldn't be fine with it. It's something I could never be comfortable.

Are you married to him? If so, surly you should be part of the family and welcomed along to gatherings. If not, I would be careful having a child with this guy, if he prioritises the ex, he will do it regardless if you have a baby or not. Then the baby will be at the bottom of the priority list a long with you. Always second best, never equal.

Damn. He really wants his old family back.

I am sure you are great and lovely but it does sound like he isn’t over his first family. I’m not sure that is a boundary issue. It is a real emotions issue.

Being together for two years is really very recent compared to the pull of the first family. I think you have to work out how you can accommodate your feelings and support him being a brilliant dad.

If the kids are desperate to go to a show and he’s got tickets for four why can’t he take you instead of the ex wife?

She’s his kids mum, they will always have a relationship as parents. My ex visits us ( often with his wife) for dc stuff like sports matches, parents evening, hobby awards night and we all go together. Sometimes various grandparents come along . We go out for dinner for dc birthdays too. The dc like it. We adults are all fine with our current situations so no drama.
I get that you find it uncomfortable but when there are kids it’s so much better if everyone can get on. You either trust him or you don’t but please don’t keep him from his kids lives because you don’t like him seeing the ex.

I don’t have an ex with any shared children.

I think family days out are great if the parents can get on well. but not if they bicker and make it uncomfortable for the kids.

No, I wouldn’t be ok with that. Meet ups with the kids yes. With the ex, no.

It’s not just him wanting time with the kids as he continues chatting to the ex afterwards.
What was the nature of their break up ?
Did she initiate the split ?
If so, it sounds as if he’s not got over it and wants her back.

If the event is a one off kind of thing then it seems like just a part of co-parenting. Though what I'm not sure about is why you or the ex's new partner wouldn't be invited?
He's married to you. So it feels like if it's a 'family' do then you're part of the family. If you're having a baby with him it would be better to try and make the family more blended.
I can see why you feel it's a bit insensitive.

Oh dear. Your husband is absolutely blinkered as to what acceptable boundaries are. I would be slamming the brakes on ttc if I were you. His judgement doesn't bode well at all.

Plenty of people still get on with their ex without it meaning they want to get back together.

if you’re with someone else who already has children then you need to be able to work alongside their coparenting or it’s not the right relationship for you.

I’d feel a bit uneasy with this. Part of me thinks it’s great that they’re having an amicable relationship. However, the playing happy families doesn’t sit right (and could be confusing for kids seeing mum and dad together so much?).

Why couldn’t she get five tickets, or could you get a fifth ticket for the show? Or could she take her mum (grandparent) or friend instead of dh? I think that’s the think that irks me, she’s deliberately excluding you.

I think it can be ok, if all parties are happy. But you’re clearly not so he should be more respectful of you and tell his ex that he will come if you’re invited along too. Now you’re married I do think his days out with his ex should be over or restricted to special days - marriages, graduations etc

Totally agree with this.

Tbh, dealing with exes is one of the main reasons I didn't date when my children/I were younger and had no interest in blending families.

You've only been together 2 years and have known you were in a complex situation for the duration. It seems very quick to have married. I wonder if that was, in part, an attempt by you to claim your ownership of him?

It sounds like it was a mistake and I'd be halting the IVF too until I was a lot clearer and happier about the whole set up.

No one takes exception with them still getting along. That's wonderful and great for the kids. However, behaving as though they are still an intact unit, especially given he is now remarried and trying to have a baby, going out as a family group with their shared children is inappropriate, and it risks giving the kids very mixed messages.

Why did they split?

It sounds like him trying to be supportive for the kids. Better that than mum and dad arguing and fighting over them

It's also easy to get caught up in a call with someone you've known for a while.

So long as he doesn't prioritise the ex OVER you, eg not talking to you or helping you to spend time with her, then I wouldn't be too worried

Urn it's a big no from me.

Could be worse though OP you could be like my situation where my husbands ex is always asking to join our days out and she does because I say yes. My DH is fuming about it but I've told him let's do it for the kids and now she won't go away 😂

I’m in two minds. In my personal situation I need the kids dad to come with on trips because they have high needs and it’s a two adult situation. But if he had a partner, I’d have no issue with them coming along as well. It’s not what I’d ‘want’ as such, but I have issues with my ex and boundaries.

He will always have other children who will need his time, and sometimes it will involve talking to mum and such. There will be times where he will probably do things that are specific for them, even if and when you have your own child. But if you sense he’s being more of a family with his ex, you should talk to him about it. Why were you not invited to this trip?

Why did they split up?

Why did they split up?