Is DH going out with his ex normal?

[missmam]

Genuinely asking if this is normal or if im over reacting.

My Recent DH (the marriage part, we've been together over two years) and I had dissagreements in beginning of our relationship over his lack of boundaries with his ex. He asked if I'd mind if he slept over there once cause his kids would like him there for breakfast and I realised he sent the same photos from a work trip to his ex as me (ostensibly to show kids). Sometime after he's finished facetimeing kids he just stays on with her and they chat away. But it has got better and his boundaries have seemingly improved since then.

Now he's just told me the four of them want to go to some show at a castle together for a day out that the kids have been dying to see and she's managed to get tickets? AIBU? I'm in the middle of IVF cycle so not really trusting my emotions!

Hmm I'm on the fence with this one.

Sleeping over at the house for a special occasion, an emergency or some other sensible reason would be ok but if it's just a case of the kids want him there, I don't think is OK really. That's something my ex did shortly after we separated.

Staying on a call to chat is fine I think.

Going out all together with the kids is OK as a one off as long as it's not all the time.

Surely it’s a good thing that he’s still friends with his ex? They still have to co-parent whether you like it or not. Seeing as you are hoping to have your own children it’s good that he takes his responsibilities as a father seriously. If he just dropped them that wouldn’t make him good Dad material, would it? The issue seems be less about his ex and more about your trust in him. As someone with trust issues myself I can relate - I have been badly treated in the past and now find it impossible to trust men as partners. My choice has been to remain single - I am happier that way, but that’s just me. This seems, unless there is something else you haven’t mentioned, to be your problem. Maybe consider counselling? Also, if you think he’ll react positively, talk to him about your fears without blaming him. On the face of it he isn’t doing anything wrong, but he may be willing to just see his kids without her if it makes you uncomfortable. The other thing you could do is make friends with her yourself and get to know his children better. If you knew her better that may reassure you, and it would be great for your children to be close to their half-siblings. Then you could be going on the castle trip, and joining in on these conversations! That would probably be the best, healthiest outcome. But remember even if it turns out his ex is still holding a candle, he chose you. I hope everything goes well for you and that the IVF works xx

He will FOREVER be linked to her and his children and yes it’s best if everyone gets along and yes sometimes it’s important and necessary for the children to see their parents together sometimes you will be included.
Please remember you are the outsider joining a family who for a variety of reasons no longer live together.

Invite yourself along too, if it's all friendly you could also be there and be friendly.

If he/she doesn't like that idea then yes I'd have an issue.

He can look after the kids when she's not around or if he says yes you can come but you don't want to, I'd be fine with both of those scenarios

They are not “family” that’s the point of separation/divorce.

They are adults who share children. Get a grip of yourself.

I mean I'm unsure why you married someone and started IVF all within a 2 year period when you've been having consistent troubles with this sort of thing? Genuinely you need to get this sorted before adding more stress with IVF cycles and future shared DC, otherwise it'll continue to annoy you and get worse.

I don't think a shared day out with the DC is a huge huge issue on its own, or sending photos to show his DC (if they're too young for their own phones!), but staying on FaceTime to just chat to his ex after speaking to his DC could be a bit annoying.

They will always have their DC together and getting along is the best thing for their DC, I think you've left it a little late to be getting this upset about the boundaries if I'm honest, you've already married him!

No I wouldn't be okay with it and I wouldn't do it myself either (I have an ex-husband I have kids with). It just muddies the water and I don't think it's good for the kids either. My DH and his ex are not family, me and my ex are not family. That's what happens when you get divorced.

If you’re invited = totally fine, in fact quite lovely.

If not = nope.

Great they get along, but family days out are what non-separated parents do.

I think it’s completely normal. My parents used to stay over (in guest room) at each other’s houses for important events (we lived about 2 hours away from each other). They’d sometimes take me to something together or both bring me to a sports competition. They’d go on holiday together sometimes. It actually made life much better for me that they got along and that I had my primary parent (my mum) there even when doing something with my dad (who was a bit shit). Sometimes my dad’s partner would join us too!

She’s not an “outsider” she’s the kids’ step mum and possible mother of half siblings. She’s an integral part of the family unit and not someone who must humbly be elbowed out because the mother of the children wants to pretend she doesn’t exist.

@SemperIdem to the children they do remain a family as two adults they are simply uncoupled financially.

He's buttering his bread both sides.

Tell him that you totally understand that he needs to play happy families and be present in the family home as you hand him his divorce papers.

There are plenty of decent men out there. Grab one.

He is being decent and doing the right thing for his children @TeaGinandFags

Not necessarily. Every family is different. When I got divorced I tried to make sure that my ex still had a relationship with his children (I left him) for their sake, even though he was less than reliable. Eventually he moved away, remarried and had another child, at which point he dropped my children almost completely. My eldest in particular was very hurt. You are right to say this is very common, and perhaps this is what the ex in this situation fears. It might have nothing to do with her personal relationship with him at all! She may be worried that when the new wife has a child he will forget all about his other children. But the only way to find out is if they talk to each other. My children are now both grown up, and it is up to them whether they see their father or not. They don’t through choice, and before long her husband’s kids will grow up and then it will be up to them, the ex wife will have no say in the matter x

Completely agree with this @missmam

What?! No. That’s fucking weird.

Which is a really unhealthy view for the children to have.

No. That is absolutely NOT ok.
He's having his cake and eating it I'm afraid. I would seriously take a good look at your relationship.
Its NEVER ok to sleep over with an ex, EVER!

Haha, yeah right!

This.

From the kid’s point of view their Mum is still their Mum and their Dad is still their Dad, so both parents are still the children’s family members even though they are no longer together. It’s not about healthy or unhealthy, that is simply a fact. Surely it’s more healthy for the two ex partners to be friendly and be able to operate as parents although not as partners? I would disagree that they are uncoupled financially though, both parents still have a financial responsibility towards their children whether they are together or not. Unless you are saying that whichever parent is no longer living with the children is no longer responsible for them and no longer a parent? I can think of lots of Dads who would agree with you! 😂

All this.
You've moved forward in this relationship very quickly.

Possibly because it is the children's mother that has bought the tickets as it says in the OP.

I never had a problem with my Husband doing this. He and his ex wife are parents of their children. It's a good thing for those children to experience both parents functioning as civilised reasonable adults who both operate in their childrens' best interests and can demonstrate a healthy mother father example even if they are no longer married. That relationship will never be the same as a relationship between a parent and step parent with children. Some relationships split up because couples are just no longer in love/ suited romantically not because of any acrimony and can do a great job of showing a family example at times with their children while still following their own life romantically.

I've always been extremely secure in where and how I stand so it's never bothered me in the slightest, my husband and his ex wife used to take their children in holiday together while we were together as did we, it didn't bother me as I had no doubt about their relationship. How've families do come in so many firms and the degree of connection, interaction and friendliness is so varied you need to find a balance that suits all of you. There are alway's going to be times when parents need to do things together as they share children, imagine, graduations, engagements, weddings and births if grandchildren. It gets complicated, trust me!! These all lie ahead of you so having an easy relationship now will serve you well.

Having said all of this, I've also had 2 round s of IVF and one natural pregnancy, 2 of the 3 times I was nuts! Extremely emotional, over reactive and pretty much unable to cope with anything or put it into perspective so I understand this probably feels huge If I was you I'd speak to your partner, explain your feeling a bit all over the place and insecure, speak his ex, I spoke to my husbands ex a fair bit, she came and saw our baby when he was born, she genuinely wanted the best for him. Just tell them you feel wobbly, she's been pregnant so knows it can be tough. It can allay your fears. You'll probably get people saying otherwise but you'll be stuck with her and those children forever. So make your life easier. Good luck with the pregnancy. Sending love.

I dunno I think it’s fine. Definitely fine if you are invited along. And much better than the two parents hating each other. What’s wrong with having a chat on FaceTime after the kids? There’s a world of difference between a chat and wanting to be still married! I sometimes chat to my kids dad, even though I think he’s an idiot, and he used to crash at ours when he saw the kids ( lives miles away) which was irritating but didn’t mean anything.
Its good if everyone can get along.