Is DH going out with his ex normal?

[missmam]

Genuinely asking if this is normal or if im over reacting.

My Recent DH (the marriage part, we've been together over two years) and I had dissagreements in beginning of our relationship over his lack of boundaries with his ex. He asked if I'd mind if he slept over there once cause his kids would like him there for breakfast and I realised he sent the same photos from a work trip to his ex as me (ostensibly to show kids). Sometime after he's finished facetimeing kids he just stays on with her and they chat away. But it has got better and his boundaries have seemingly improved since then.

Now he's just told me the four of them want to go to some show at a castle together for a day out that the kids have been dying to see and she's managed to get tickets? AIBU? I'm in the middle of IVF cycle so not really trusting my emotions!

It’s weird and way beyond amicable co-parenting. It would really upset me tbh, unless I were invited along, as well as any partner she has.

Given all this and how you’ve described your relationship, which does seem to have moved very quickly, I’d not be doing IVF. It does not sound a great environment for a baby.

Were you the OW?

Theirs no real red flags here for me - maybe the night at hers would be a bit much. Are these days out a regular thing? TBH I think it’s fine if it’s a special occasion - surely it’s better they get on and it’s a day out focussed on the DC, right? Maybe discuss why it makes you uncomfortable as it’s clearly an issue. But I wouldn’t be worried in your position.

Maybe it all seems quite fresh, especially given you’ve been together 2 years - but I think some of the other comments on here are a bit over the top TBH. Cheating?! That’s quite a leap from staying on on FaceTime and a day out with the DC. This seems to be about DH having time with his kids, what’s the interaction (if any) with his ex outside of dealing with them?

I think the adults including DH need need to work out where they stand but the DC shouldn’t miss out. IVF is a factor but maybe it’s bad timing if the trip is something that popped up.

No this is weird he should’ve stayed with her if he wants to do stuff like that. It’ll confuse the kids too.

This.

It's not 'good' for the kids. Being amicable and communicative is good.

Behaving like they're still a family unit is confusing.

I have a cordial relationship with my ex husband who comes around to the house my daughter, DP of seven years and I share for dinner sometimes. He, my daughter and I occasionally go out for family days out, or have pub lunches. Sometimes my partner comes, sometimes not. (Maybe once every 2-3 months). My partner is absolutely fine with this.

Overnight stays I think are a slightly different matter as to me that feels like trying to recreate the intimacy of a family.

Ultimately though it’s a negotiation between the parties and it depends how comfortable everyone is with it. In my case I broke up with my husband a decade ago, my daughter barely remembers him living with us and there are absolutely no romantic feelings between us. It’s very clear where everyone stands.

I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer. I certainly don’t think it’s automatically wrong but I do think everyone’s feelings need to be considered.

I think that’s a bit black and white.

I get that wanting to “recreate the family” is confusing for the child and delays the acceptance of the new normal. But as long as the boundaries and expectations are clear I don’t think it’s automatically a bad idea to maintain social relationships with ex partners.

The reality is that your children’s parents are going to be in your life. They should not be trying to to make a carbon copy of the old family or doing anything to upset the new family arrangement. But as long as everyone is clear where they stand I think maintaining a friendly relationship is a good thing.

It’s probably uncomfortable but I guess there is a family unit that’s intact but in a very different way. Isn’t that mostly the point of co-parenting? My parent divorced when I was young and looking back - it was weird never seeing my parents together. Is the better alternative the type of divorced situation for kids where DH just picks up and drops off
kids at the end of the driveway?

most people on here seem to follow the idea that mistrust, animosity and the insecurities of adults override the experience for the kids. Co-parenting and maybe eventually more blended type families may be unusual and challenging but I think that’s way better than the alternative. It’s got to start somewhere?

My DD's Dad and I live in different but neighbouring countries.

He comes to us with his two children from a new relationship every year for her birthday.

Tomorrow when we travel back from holiday we will go to his house. I'll stay there for a few hours then go to an Airbnb when I can check in. While I'm at the Airbnb ex, dd and his children will come over and we'll go out for a meal.

It is isn't for everyone but it works for us.

I do stuff with my ex and the kids.
It's not like I want to get back with him.
Let it go