Is DH going out with his ex normal?

[missmam]

Genuinely asking if this is normal or if im over reacting.

My Recent DH (the marriage part, we've been together over two years) and I had dissagreements in beginning of our relationship over his lack of boundaries with his ex. He asked if I'd mind if he slept over there once cause his kids would like him there for breakfast and I realised he sent the same photos from a work trip to his ex as me (ostensibly to show kids). Sometime after he's finished facetimeing kids he just stays on with her and they chat away. But it has got better and his boundaries have seemingly improved since then.

Now he's just told me the four of them want to go to some show at a castle together for a day out that the kids have been dying to see and she's managed to get tickets? AIBU? I'm in the middle of IVF cycle so not really trusting my emotions!

How old are the kids?

I think going out for the day with them is a good thing. It really helps the kids when their parents get on, and it’s special for them to see their parents being friendly.

But, as the kids get old enough, his primary relationship should be with them. So he may need to think about things like letting them have a phone (with lots of limits) earlier than he might otherwise, so that he can send those photos directly to them, not via his ex wife. If they already have phones, he should be contacting them directly.

I do think you need a conversation around appropriate boundaries, but I don’t think he’s acted wildly inappropriately here.

Could you go along too?

He's going on a day to a castle with a bunch of kids, it's not exactly a romantic night in a hotel "for work."

Amazed that so many people think a day trip coparenting is overstepping the mark. Hardly going to be a romantic affair with snotty nosed kids yelling for ice cream and tugging on sleeves all the time.

If you could get a ticket and go then it seems less abnormal as it’s good for the kids if their parents get along. But if it’s something you’re explicitly not “allowed” to attend then that is a bit weird. Do you get on with his kids?

If you end up having kids together he can’t cut himself in half every weekend with his two families can he? So either you all get along altogether which I think in some cases can work or you actually act like separated families and he sees the kids just when it’s “his turn” but this in between of keeping you separate and playing house with his ex is going to run into issues if he has children with you.

Good grief no you are not being unreasonable! I’d consider this to be a date.
Some men don’t understand boundaries; he’s probably completely unaware he’s upsetting you.
You just need to tell him straight what his parameters are; I’m sure he’ll comply. If you don’t you’ll get more of the same behavior.

It's a strong no from me.

They've split. The kids need to understand that too. The happy families thing is confusing IMO.

At the very least you should be invited also.

You've only been together 2 years and you're married already and planning IVF, after having disagreements about this?

I'd say you both need to slow right down.

You're not being unreasonable about his behaviour but you've rushed into marriage, don't make the same mistake by rushing into having children.

But it sounds like in your situation everyone is included, op isn’t invited along so it’s completely different

Please remember you are the outsider joining a family who for a variety of reasons no longer live together.

Not at all. The children are his family, he is divorced and his new wife is also his family. His ex no longer is.

Good point. If he has a history of cheating then it’s absolutely right of OP to be wary.

Key to this is why did they split up?
Who initiated it ?
When he sleeps over at his ex’s do you think the “happy families” extends to sleeping with her?

After all, that would seem normal for the kids ?
Mummy and daddy together.

Definitely not acceptable, OP.

It goes beyond co parenting doesn’t it ?

No absolutely NOT an outsider.
She’s his wife! The ex is not his family any more but his kids are.

Absolutely this.

My partner and his ex wife are no longer family.

She is not part of my family and I am not part of hers.

The childen are all adults. We are as much family together as they wish us to be.

The whole point of divorce is that you are no longer connected in that way.

My exh and I are still our children's parents but we have no other connection to each other. We are not family.

I know a family where one parent is in a relationship and has a baby but still stayed over and does things with ex and the dc. He often picks ex up and spends whole days with her and the dc without his gf and baby there. He will look after dc in her home at times if she needs to go out. When out together I have seen they bring a shared picnic and both get each other's food or whatever. It's absolutely lovely. Ex also speaks to new gf and they get on. She doesn't often join but that's because baby and children have different needs and interests. The parents message a d call each other all the time and are actually good friends.
It's the best co parenting relationship I have ever seen and the happiest dc of separated parents I have ever come across.

I'm all for blended, happy families that make sure the kids come first but this is a step too far. Whether it's intention or coincidence, they still have a family unit that you are being excluded from.

You should be invited or able to talk with her too.

P.s he doesn't need to stay over for breakfast. He can... get up early and drive there. Crazy idea I know!

I occasionally have totally friendly phone chats or coffee with a couple of my exes, and we don't even have kids to talk about. They're just nice people who I like, but to whom I don't want to be married. The nice man to whom I AM married is secure in the knowledge that I wouldn't have started dating him in the first place if I had wanted to be with anyone else. Your DH has chosen to marry you, and to go through ivf together with you; he must love you very much, and he's already proving that he can be a caring dad (though next time it would be a bit more thoughtful of him to suggest getting 5 tickets not 4). I hope that helps a bit.

This situation although good for that family does not compare to op's situation.
Any reasonable person would agree this is not acceptable and most people would have some insecurity's about this.
Obviously the children get priority but not to the detriment of his wife, the 1st marriage ended so the 2nd wife takes priority over the 1st wife.
The husbands role in this blended family is to be respectful of the feelings of all involved, for example sleeping at his ex wife's house is not acceptable,he could have gone back in the morning to join them for breakfast if that was so important to him/kids.
I wonder if there are elements of him enjoying the attention of both wife and ex wife.

Exactly.

If he wasn't ready to give up the ex wife, he shouldn't have remarried.

?? So he’s supposed to be involved in his kids’ lives without interacting with his ex? Love to see how that would work - it would make life truly unpleasant for everyone involved. People do grow apart. What happens if OP has kids with him then they split up? Would OP expect him to just ignore her because he’s got a new gf? Just because a couple no longer has romantic feelings doesn’t mean they stop caring about each other, especially if they were together a long time. Many marriages evolve into a more brother/sister type relationship - it’s not at all uncommon. I sometimes think some of the people posting on here just assume the worst for their own entertainment or to sound tough. I do wonder whether everyone being negative would follow their own advice in the same circumstances? Seems to me this could well be a resolvable situation without any nastiness or conflict, as it is entirely likely he is just looking after his kids and being friends with her. The only caveat is if hubby has a history of cheating, people’s future actions can be best predicted by their past behaviour. But assuming that isn’t the case I don’t think OP has anything to worry about. I don’t know the circumstances of the break up, but if they weren’t having sex at the end of their marriage then it’s unlikely they will start again now xx

Someone said he is t over his first family. They are his family. There is no first about it.

It's nice for their children. It would be better if you could be included as well though. That's what l would do if l had a good relationship with my ex and his gf.

Tbh, I've already said I didn't date when my children were younger because I wasn't interested in dealing with this sort of shit.

So yes, that's exactly the decision I made for myself.

If I'd wanted to be so involved with my exh that we were still spending the night at each other's houses and new spouses would be excluded from the set up, I'd have stayed single for that reason too.

I’d be ok with this tbh. My BF stays at his exes house sometimes for his DS, I trust him 100% that there’s nothing going on with the ex, she will also chat to him after he finishes on the phone to DS and it’s absolutely fine. They go to places together as his DS has SEN and sometimes it’s good to have both parents there.

However - and it’s a big however - I wasn’t as ok with a previous partner doing the same thing. His boundaries were a bit sloppy, he also said that she still fancied him and would have him back in a heartbeat, so it wasn’t the same level of trust or indeed the same reasons, usually because she was drunk and fell asleep at his house.

I think it can be ok depending on the circumstances around the split, whether you’re also invited to their family things and how you fit into the dynamic generally. It won’t get better if you bring a child into this situation so get it resolved before you do that.

Nope. You can be amicable for the kids without all the time spent chit chatting and sleepovers. I’d be cancelling the IVF too. He sounds far too invested in spending cosy family time with his first wife.

If spending the night was a regular thing then yes, it would be an issue. But OP said it was just one time, and hubby has agreed not to do that again. I no longer date myself as I have major trust issues so am happier alone. But that’s my choice. Remaining single isn’t for everyone. Hopefully for OP it is just the hormones - I had similar suspicions about my ex when I had post natal depression which turned out to be wrong (that time!). Seems to me that, as other people have mentioned, they are perhaps moving a bit too quickly and need to take some time to figure out a balance that works for everyone involved - hubby is probably trying to please everyone which of course ends up pleasing no- one. I suspect it would be a bad move to try to make him choose between his new wife and his children, but it is absolutely his responsibility to set some realistic boundaries with his ex for the future. We don’t know all the details, or why his first marriage ended but there may well be feelings of guilt involved here too. You and I have grown up kids so now it’s easy for us - it’s up to them whether or not they see their fathers and we can stay out of it - thankfully! 😅