DS girlfriend never goes home

[bluebellsinthewoods]

DS (18) has been seeing his gf for about 6 months. She lives in next town which is an hour bus ride away. Neither of them drive.

At the beginning he would ask if she could stay over which we said yes to but over time it's become the norm for her to stay most nights.

It's been getting more & more frequent (DS has never stayed at her family home). We feel she has practically moved in and we want our space back. I have recently had a close family bereavement and need time alone to grieve but she is always here even when DS is at work. She is a student hoping to go to uni in September.

AIBU to set some boundaries around how often she can stay or should I just accept with older teens this is to be expected & she's likely to be moving away in 2 months anyway.

How would you feel?

I am sorry for your loss, Op.

Decide what you would be happy with in terms of the GF staying and telling your DS this. In my experience many teenagers take the piss until it's pointed out to them!

Good luck 🍀

Of course you're not unreasonable, she doesn't live with you. Tell him to tell her she needs to go home.

Surely you just say to your ds it’s two nights a week max

Definitely set some rules, not unreasonable at all.

Sorry to read of your loss, and I think that you should set some rules. I wonder if there is something about her own homelife that she is seeking to escape from, not sure how you could find out.

You can tell your son to stay at hers more, but if her parents are fine with it, you may find your son is always there and you end up seeing less of him.

Set the ground rules

• Max X nights a week
• not Sunday night (I like to chill before work)
• must give headsup of them staying
• they're not to hang around the house when your child is out at work/uni etc

And anything that's specific to your circumstances

I think it’s certainly reasonable to limit it to a couple of nights a week and definitely a rule if he’s not there then she isn’t either.

I think I would suck it up for two months rather than potentially cause a rift. I would answer differently it if were open-ended.

You pay the bills therefore you set the rules. This has gone on long enough, send her home and tell them both she can only stay one night a week.

Sorry for your loss.
You're not being unreasonable.
Sit them down together and make it clear - 'We are happy for you to spend some time together here, but we've noticed that you're not really going home any more - while we are happy for you to spend time together here, we imagined a couple of nights at a time maximum and not you actually living here full time. I hope you understand. Your family must be missing you.'

If you don't set boundaries now - even for just 2 months, you run the risk of her camping out at your place for every single university break and they have 2 months off. It will be harder then.

There is no need for her to be in you house alone when your son is at work. An hour's bus ride is nothing.

I used to be this girl with my first boyfriend. As an adult I feel absolutely mortified that I just assumed it was ok to practically move in to someone else's house. I would definitely put some rules down, it's your home

Just tell him two nights max, anymore than that and you'll be telling her yourself she needs to go home.

To be honest, if she's going to uni in September I'd just suck it up.

No point in causing an argument and ill feelings that could last far beyond September.

The problem with the ‘I pay the bills so set the rules’ narrative to me is that it makes the DC feel like guests when often they have no other option realistically but to be living at home. And it is their home just as much regardless of who is on the mortgage

So I’d approach it as an issue of my personal space and privacy. I explained to my DC I just don’t feel as relaxed when I have a guest staying no matter how lovely that guest is and suspect they would feel the same if I moved a friend in.

Agree some limits together. Explain how special alone time or nuclear family time is to you. Reinforce you like her and this will be the rule for other partners too.

two nights a week sounds reasonable. He can stay at hers two nights as week if he wants to see her more. And I’d definitely say she cannot hang around when he isn’t there.

just take care he doesn’t move over to hers full time and you don’t see him. Equally I’d explore what might be happening for her at home and why her parents don’t seem bothered she is never at home

Ask her to start contributing to household finances. That should put an end to it.

Is she hanging around the common areas? My 18yo has his girlfriend around a lot too but they hang out in his room, I barely see her. He's set up a bit of a lair in there with a TV, bar fridge etc.

At the very least this girl should go home while your DS is out.

I would perhaps have a think about the ground rules over the next 2 months. If she stops staying over then the problem is solved. If not, then you will have to say something. I don’t understand why you can’t grieve though. Your son has presumably told her what’s happened so I don’t think she would be bothered if you were upset or spending a lot of time in your room. As a teen I spent a lot of time at bf house (his mum was unwell at one point) so we would just make our dinner if she wasn’t up to cooking and left her to relax/do what she wanted.

This is not her home. Just have a friendly chat with both of them face to face and say
Lovely as it is to see you dsgf we need our alone time as a family. You're welcome to stay one or two nights but other than that we need the house to ourselves. Obviously you're going to need to get familiar with the local bus timetable so you can get home safely .
If you don't set the household rules they will assume it's okay to live in 24/7

My dc always asked me if first if friends could sleep over or join for family meals. It's just courtesy.

Condolences on your bereavement OP, you will of course be anxious for your own space.

DD (20) and her BF have been together 2 years and he’s never stayed more than 1 night a week! I couldn’t cope with every night.

You do need to set out ground rules now with your DS but I also wonder if you could try to find out if there are issues with the girl at her home - I can’t imagine DD staying around all Daly at her boyfriends when he is not there. Of course this isn’t for you to resolve but maybe you could support her in whatever she is going through - while making sure she goes home!!! Especially if it’s only that he is not allowed to sleep over at hers, that is no excuse to move in with you.

Also at 18 they need time apart - it’s too young for deep entanglements, especially if she is moving away.

Thank you for all your replies - so helpful.

I have tried to subtly ask her about her home life but haven't got much from her so far.

You sound kind.
Time to be more direct regarding boundaries though.

I would talk to them and say a max of two nights a week is fine.

Having another teen in the home all the time using the utilities and eating your food will add money wise apart from anything else.

It sounds a bit intense for a young couple anyway, I'm not sure basically living together at 18 is a great idea. They need time with other friends and having their own lives.