DS girlfriend never goes home

[bluebellsinthewoods]

DS (18) has been seeing his gf for about 6 months. She lives in next town which is an hour bus ride away. Neither of them drive.

At the beginning he would ask if she could stay over which we said yes to but over time it's become the norm for her to stay most nights.

It's been getting more & more frequent (DS has never stayed at her family home). We feel she has practically moved in and we want our space back. I have recently had a close family bereavement and need time alone to grieve but she is always here even when DS is at work. She is a student hoping to go to uni in September.

AIBU to set some boundaries around how often she can stay or should I just accept with older teens this is to be expected & she's likely to be moving away in 2 months anyway.

How would you feel?

Absolutely not. Tell him she can only stay once a week

I think it would have been better to set out some rules at the beginning. Saying something now might lead her to believe she’s done something to offend you; she consequently might refuse to visit at all and this in turn might cause a rift. I’d suck it up for the next 8 weeks if she’s likely to be moving on anyway.

I would restrict the number of nights and also state alternative weekends. Plus if your DS is not there, then she needs to go home. Surely they can split time between parents. How uncomfortable for you and I would be irritated too.

I would go softly softly on this. If they both go to university in September you don’t have much longer. I would say to your son that you are struggling with the recent loss in your family and need some time alone to grieve and would appreciate it if he could limit his girlfriend’s sleepovers to 2 nights a week. 2 nights is more than reasonable.

I would actually try to talk to her first to see if she is ok. This was me at 18 with my ex (together six years). I wanted to stay with him every night because my family home was unstable and my mother is emotionally/verbally abusive and I hated being at home. I’d stay there even if he was at work and I know his mum hated it eventually. We got on super well but she did tell me I was staying there too much, once I opened up we actually got closer but I did respect this and stayed at home more - moved out with ex shortly later because home life got too hard

I would raise it even though she is going to university. Because even if it's then not an issue with this girlfriend, it may well be with future girlfriends.

I think limiting to 2 nights a week is totally reasonable.

Definitely not acceptable unless you’ve agreed to this upfront. How about you set an amount of nights you think is ok. It’s not healthy for them either.

She shouldn't be in your home without him as a bare minimum.

Talk to your son. You want your home and privacy back.

We said only people to stay at weekends that's friends or girlfriends.
We are a family of 6 getting up for work/school/college and weekdays don't work for us for guests staying.

This would drive me potty. I know she's a teen and maybe not the most self-aware but even a teen should be able to see they're taking the piss by spending 24/7 in the boyfriend's family home. And when he's not even there himself.

Tell him straight, she's welcome to stay one night a week.

the didgeridoo as the icing on the cake made me lol

First, so very sorry for your loss.
Why are you allowing a teenager who is not a member of your family to run rings round you in your own home?
It will be much easier than you think to say ‘Listen, love, I want a word with you. In future you can stay every Saturday night [or whatever]. It’s getting too much now.’
As someone else said on this thread, teens often don’t realise stuff until it’s pointed out.
And what do her parents think? If it were my daughter I’d want to know what was going on.

This, quite frankly.