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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS girlfriend never goes home

88 replies

bluebellsinthewoods · 20/07/2024 09:10

DS (18) has been seeing his gf for about 6 months. She lives in next town which is an hour bus ride away. Neither of them drive.

At the beginning he would ask if she could stay over which we said yes to but over time it's become the norm for her to stay most nights.

It's been getting more & more frequent (DS has never stayed at her family home). We feel she has practically moved in and we want our space back. I have recently had a close family bereavement and need time alone to grieve but she is always here even when DS is at work. She is a student hoping to go to uni in September.

AIBU to set some boundaries around how often she can stay or should I just accept with older teens this is to be expected & she's likely to be moving away in 2 months anyway.

How would you feel?

OP posts:
EatTheGnome · 20/07/2024 12:37

I think you meed to be really clear in your own head what the problem is and what will fix it.

If you frame it as needing time to grieve, they will both thinknitd temporary.

If you think it will.be a problem with the next girlfriend or in half terms, you need to have a talk with him about that.

Personally, i would look to just accept it for a few months until she goes to uni.

I'm sorry for your loss. I do understand the need for space.

EatTheGnome · 20/07/2024 12:40

Nanny0gg · 20/07/2024 12:34

Maybe the OP wants to go wherever she wants to in her own home, not be stuck in her room?

Show quote history

The teen girl nose almost certainly hiding away in DS room though until he comes home, it's unlikely she's making herself at home and making lunches and lounging in the living room woth Netflix for hours on end.

Mummyratbag · 20/07/2024 12:45

As I'm sure others have said, it's not a great setup as how do they have space from each other? I would want my 18 year old to see home as a place he can breathe. Yes he's an adult and yes they could live together, but I wouldn't want it to be by default. I think it could prolong a relationship that at that age may not be destined to be forever. I would say 2/3 nights per week, but you may have to suck it up as it has already happened.

ricecrispiecakes · 20/07/2024 12:46

Somerandomgirl · 20/07/2024 12:21

Maybe her situation at home is not good. Why not try to be her friend instead. And she's around so you'll have a friend aswell. And who knows one day thry might get married etc, you dont want to be in bad relationship with them.

Having a good relationship or friendship with someone doesn't mean you have to offer them a home, feed them and provide for them.

She needs to go home - this isn't her house.

needhelpwiththisplease · 20/07/2024 12:48

Honestly just have a conversation with them about it.
Tell them you feel like she has moved in and you don't have any privacy in your own home.
As of Monday she is welcome to stay two nights a week and be here when ds is but not to stay here all day when he is out.

Beautiful3 · 20/07/2024 12:55

I would decide what I want and tell son and girlfriend that. E.g. girl friend is welcome on x days. I wouldn't want her sleeping over though.

Purplebunnie · 20/07/2024 12:57

If you decide to suck it up for two months I would make sure you have boundaries in place for holidays when she is not in Uni.

YourBrightZebra · 20/07/2024 13:01

Tread carefully, I was that gf at 16/17/18 and had an emotionally abusive household. Staying with my bf (who was abusive to me but that’s a whole different matter) was the only place I felt safe for the first time in years! I see your side but there may be reasons why she feels so safe in your home

LAMPS1 · 20/07/2024 13:05

If somebody is staying in my house, I would consider them a guest.
And that means I would be talking to them and building a relationship with them whenever they are around. I would make sure I knew a bit about her background right at the beginning of the relationship if she were staying overnight in my house. And I would expect her to be open, honest and sociable with all family members not just my son.

If she started to stay longer than I was expecting, I would be concerned that her family wouldn’t be happy with that and I would check that out with one of them.
If I found out that she was staying because of family problems at home then although I would want to be helpful and sympathetic to that, it would mean to me that she is no longer a guest as such but rather more like a lodger.
I would also be concerned that there may be an element of her taking advantage of my son’s good-will and using him to a certain extent, just for a place to escape to, which isn’t a good basis for a relationship from his point of view.

I think you have to ask either her or him what her family think about never seeing her…aren’t they upset about it as you would be very upset and concerned if the situation were reversed. That is, -concerned about the reason behind it, concerned about the relationship and concerned about the cost to the hosting family of an extra adult in the house.

As adults now, both of them should be pre-empting these points and not just expecting that it can drift on without enlightening you as the host and provider of food and utilities.

If neither of them is naturally forthcoming, I think it’s incumbent on you to find out more about her home life, and what the plan is for her future, rather than letting it continue, as if reality doesnt matter at all.

Only when you know the full story, you can come to some sort of agreement which is agreeable to everybody in the household.

curious79 · 20/07/2024 13:08

Not unreasonable and you have a very good reason right now. Not that you need a reason
Speak to both perhaps and say you need space to yourself and perhaps they can go to hers a couple of nights a week.
or ask her to pay rent!

Threeweeksold · 20/07/2024 13:12

Werweisswohin · 20/07/2024 09:52

Sorry for your loss.
You're not being unreasonable.
Sit them down together and make it clear - 'We are happy for you to spend some time together here, but we've noticed that you're not really going home any more - while we are happy for you to spend time together here, we imagined a couple of nights at a time maximum and not you actually living here full time. I hope you understand. Your family must be missing you.'

Beautifully worded. I would say this OP. They are taking the piss.

Yousaidwhatagain · 20/07/2024 13:13

Hazeby · 20/07/2024 09:29

I think I would suck it up for two months rather than potentially cause a rift. I would answer differently it if were open-ended.

Edited

So scared of your kids that now you have to suck it up for a stranger too?
Why are some people so afraid of upsetting their children.

Yanbu op, they are barely adults. Seems like neither have respect for you or your home. Why can't you tell your ds straight up that this is not acceptable and ask him why doesn't he ever go there?
Seems like they have made themselves too comfortable and taking advantage.

You can't even grieve in peace an privacy. I would tell him it's time for her to go home like now.

Yousaidwhatagain · 20/07/2024 13:16

The problem with the ‘I pay the bills so set the rules’ narrative to me is that it makes the DC feel like guests when often they have no other option realistically but to be living at home. And it is their home just as much regardless of who is on the mortgage

Er no. It's their home BUT it's a family home not for anyone to stay weeks on end, not contributing and just do as they please .
When I grew up, I always asked no matter how old I was because it was considerate to everyone else who lived there. And yes, they aren't paying bills so don't get to do as they please.

Yousaidwhatagain · 20/07/2024 13:19

Funny how if it's a relative/ in law/ friend who came and stayed with no end date - they would be called CF and told they need to be kicked out.

Yet two children who are barely adults, can take over the home , not contribute and do as they please must be given all the grace. No wonder so many selfish young people today, because the world needs to revolve around them.

ricecrispiecakes · 20/07/2024 13:21

Yousaidwhatagain · 20/07/2024 13:16

The problem with the ‘I pay the bills so set the rules’ narrative to me is that it makes the DC feel like guests when often they have no other option realistically but to be living at home. And it is their home just as much regardless of who is on the mortgage

Er no. It's their home BUT it's a family home not for anyone to stay weeks on end, not contributing and just do as they please .
When I grew up, I always asked no matter how old I was because it was considerate to everyone else who lived there. And yes, they aren't paying bills so don't get to do as they please.

Exactly. It might be their home but that doesn't mean they get to just do what they like regardless of the impact it has on everyone else.

I lived at home on/off throughout my twenties and it would never have occurred to me to just invite my boyfriend to stay with me for days on end. I was saving a fortune in rent and bills and that had to come with compromises.

Fraaahnces · 20/07/2024 13:26

Start charging food, bills & rent.

Yousaidwhatagain · 20/07/2024 13:45

@ricecrispiecakes you must be from my generation (I'm in my 40's) where we had so much more respect than people today. And exactly like you, the appreciation of saving by living at home was foremost to me so I would never have been so disrespectful to do this.

ricecrispiecakes · 20/07/2024 14:00

@Yousaidwhatagain I'm 35 but honestly, I feel like I had it really good living at home. I did pay rent but it was way below market rate and it allowed me to save, learn to drive, buy a car and then save towards a house.

There's no way I'd have had the audacity to move anyone into my parents' house or even allowed them to stay longer then necessary. I always asked if someone could come over, even if we'd just be watching TV in my room or getting ready to go out somewhere. It just felt like good manners to me. It wasn't my house and it wasn't my place to just take it over.

DH was raised similarly to me and I remember him asking permission to use the toilet the first few times he was there Grin

Original poster
bluebellsinthewoods · 20/07/2024 17:11

Thanks everyone, I appreciate your views & advice. I’ll be having a chat with DS asap to try to improve things

OP posts:
MounjaroUser · 20/07/2024 18:29

I would say she can't be there unless your son is there. That's just cheeky otherwise. Apart from that, this girl may well stay with your son for good, so you need to be careful about having a good relationship with her.

GoldEagle · 21/07/2024 17:51

It's a bit strange that her own family are letting her stay away from her own home so much? However, you are clearly a kind person OP but I think you are going to have to put your foot down and say firmly that she can stay a max of 2 nights.

BuggeryBumFlaps · 21/07/2024 18:13

Just a chat to your ds. Tell him you like her and it's lovely he's got the relationship he does with her but you'd like to drop her overnight stay's to twice a week.

Ahhhmarsbar · 21/07/2024 18:22

Fucking hell just say, no staying over etc. Our neighbours told us when they got a new dog but not when the granddaughter moved her cuckoo of a boyfriend in FFS

OhcantthInkofaname · 21/07/2024 18:36

At minimum, when DS is at work she needs to be in her own home.

DisabledDemon · 21/07/2024 18:43

Oh God, I had a lodger like this. He moved in and then asked if his girlfriend could visit overnight a couple of times a week. This turned into virtually every night so he was paying for himself but she was staying for free and she used gallons of hot water. A right pair of CFs. They even broke the bed!

To put the tin lid on it, he played the didgeridoo.

He had to go.