DS girlfriend never goes home

[bluebellsinthewoods]

DS (18) has been seeing his gf for about 6 months. She lives in next town which is an hour bus ride away. Neither of them drive.

At the beginning he would ask if she could stay over which we said yes to but over time it's become the norm for her to stay most nights.

It's been getting more & more frequent (DS has never stayed at her family home). We feel she has practically moved in and we want our space back. I have recently had a close family bereavement and need time alone to grieve but she is always here even when DS is at work. She is a student hoping to go to uni in September.

AIBU to set some boundaries around how often she can stay or should I just accept with older teens this is to be expected & she's likely to be moving away in 2 months anyway.

How would you feel?

@bluebellsinthewoods I am so sorry for your loss and understand your need to have some personal space - especially just now.

I think it is entirely reasonable to be setting ground rules around when she stays at yours. Particularly about her not staying in your house, when your son isn't there. That's really not on and is taking the piss, especially as, I assume, she isn't paying anything towards the extra cost she will be giving you?

I would have a quiet word with your son first and find out if there is something going on in this girl's home life which means she doesn't feel she can go home. Depending what he says, it might help you to decide exactly what ground rules you want to lay out. If she is definitely going to University in September and in a different town a long distance away you might just want to lay out the one ground rule that she isn't in your house, when he isn't there.

On the other hand, if there is no major problem with her going home, then yes, I would be laying out all the ground rules right now, such as how many nights per week she can stay, any nights she can't stay ( e.g. a Sunday night, as someone else said) and definitely, she doesn't stay in your home while he isn't there.

At the very least, you need to tell him what you have said here, that you need your own space, especially just now, and it really isn't on that she stays in your house when he isn't there.

I, personally, wouldn't be getting into a discussion with the GF - I would be discussing it only with your son - and getting him to tell her what the new ground rules are. At the end of the day, it is his responsibility to have the difficult conversation with her.

I'd speak to ds about it, ask him directly and say you've noticed that gf is here most nights and you're surprised because you thought she'd want to have time with her family. Ask ds what her family situation is and if she's close with them etc.

I'd just tell him straight, you really like her, you're really supportive of their relationship but you also want to have some nights where she's not in the house so you can all have time together as a family and don't have to feel like you're hosting. I'd explain that it's great he feels so comfortable with her and can spend lots of time together and still get on so well, but that he needs to be mindful that it's a shared space and other people need their privacy too. I'd tell him that it'll be the same when they go to uni, their housemates won't want a bf or gf staying every night of the week and it'll cause issues.

Essentially they're living together and it sounds very intense. I'd put a cap on the number of nights.

Sorry your loss. You of course need some space just decide what suits you and tell them.

@Pandasandtigers

so OP should just put up with things as they are then?

Too waffly. Just say she can stay one night a week, and obviously only when the son is also home.

OP doesn't need to enquire into the woman's home life or 'support' her son dating.

@Hazeby

why would it cause a rift? I doubt OP’s relationship with her son is so fragile and that her son is so highly strung .

I would explain only one night a week and she goes home when he’s not there.
I’m an introvert and I can’t cope with not having my own space. I sometimes struggle with my own children and DH.

Sorry for your loss.

It would be a good an inoffensive reason to change the rules on who stays when, citing you are very upset and grieving and want privacy to cry and mourn.

So for the foreseeable the rule is xyz.

Of course you are not unreasonable! Are you feeding her every meal as well?

’DS, your girlfriend appears to have moved in. I am grieving at the moment, and need my space back. Can she please go home. I am happy for her to stay one night a week but there’s no reason for her to be here when you’re not.

end

The gf being in your house when your son isn't there is really not on. I once had this with a female lodger who had my attic room - I had no idea her bf was there until I heard noises when she was out.

If she's in your home when your son is out and you need to go out, what happens? It's one step from her having her own keys to your house. Don't do it!

This 100% sometimes people are piss takers, but I was that girlfriend and I didn't want to go home because it was horrible there.

I don’t understand these sorts of posts and feel I must be missing something here. Surely you’d just say ‘DS, your GF can only stay over two/three nights a week’ or whatever you’re comfortable with. I don’t think you need to subtly ask about her home life or speak to them together. You speak to your own son and that’s that no?

Her home life isn't really relevant though - obviously it's sad if she's struggling or having problems, but it's not OP's place to step in and provide her with somewhere to say if she doesn't want to.

I’d be saying that she can’t stay 2 consecutive night, and that it is for a maximum of 2 night per week. And that she is not allowed to be inside the house when he is not there- ever. she can come over when he is there in the house during day as and when, unless there is family time or you, or someone else in family has need for privacy - when you’re needs for privacy take priority over your sons need to see gf- they can meet at hers instead.

explain to your son, that whilst he loves his girlfriend, and you like her, you do not love her (yet?) and want to spend time in your own home without her being present. You simply don’t, and won’t ever, feel the same intimacy and trust as he does- and that’s is perfectly normal otherwise you’d be asking her to marry you !
Tell him for you it’s no different from you’re not going to advertise for a lodger to live with you as you need privacy.
whislt this is his home, it is also home to you, and rest of family and his needs to develop his relationship with his gf do not usurp the needs of people living in the house as their home and as family.

there is also costs to think of- it costs more to have another adult there. I think you could also, at a bit of a stretch, say it has insurance implications for her to be there alone , any claim would be rejected (ok, maybe not quite true but worth a little,exaggeration)

she can stay occasionally as a guest when he is there. They are to treat it as she is guest of family and not just him. She needs to be respectful of the family rules around home . You won’t expect her to contribute on these terms.

and no, you will not ever take her on as a live in lodger, in other words by accepting contributions to bills etc. that way lies madness if relationship breaks down.

‘Morning Jane, I can give you a lift home at 11.30 or drop you at bus, what’s best?’

’Morning DS, are you walking Jane to bus stop or is she getting collected?’

I wouldn't be ok with that. Why is she there when he isn't? Could you ask him if there's any reason why she can't go home?

If there are none, put some boundaries in place

Of course you are not being unreasonable, but this is why it is absolutely essential to establish ground rules.
I've always been mocked on Mumsnet for taking the stance of 'no overnight stays for GFs' for my DS ... I stated this (on here) when he was young and was always told 'you'll change your mind when he gets older' ... he's now 23 and to be fair he's never actually asked to have a GF stay over so we've never had to have the discussion . I know he's had GFs at Uni & he had a fairly long term relationship at 18/19 but it never necessitated sleep overs so it's not as if he's celibate but it's not my job to facilitate his sex life.
Stand firm, decide what it acceptable ... maybe two nights and explain to your DS.

Perfectly acceptable to limit the number of nights. Have a discussion with dc

I think that this is clear, concise and would do the job. No need to question what's going on in the girl's own home, as you have troubles of your own right now, and she is not your responsibility, although I'm assuming that if she had a problem and needed your help, she would tell your DS and he would speak to you about it.

Sorry for your loss OP

Some teens definitely have problems at home, but I've also had known of occasions of claimed poor parenting where it eventually turns out there was none. Sometimes the parents were also wondering where they were. For example, I put up a friend of my youngest last year-it turned out he had been told he would be thrown out if he didn't get a job, so he left, was eventually brought here, and told me his parents hated him and he didn't know why.

Maybe her situation at home is not good. Why not try to be her friend instead. And she's around so you'll have a friend aswell. And who knows one day thry might get married etc, you dont want to be in bad relationship with them.

Just set a limit of 2 nights a week. Also, she should not be there when your son isnt.

Sorry for your loss x

Maybe the OP wants to go wherever she wants to in her own home, not be stuck in her room?

Then her DS should have let them know and ASK if it's ok for her to stay

How much extra is it costing I wonder?

But OoP is recently bereaved. She would like her home to be a sanctuary not a hotel.