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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think to a neighbour has acted inappropriately

108 replies

Pops1105 · 19/07/2024 11:40

I haven't posted here for a very long time, but needed some reassurance that I am not overreacting - for context I have been wary of men that aren't family due to previous domestic violence that my Mum suffered when I was a young child.

We have had new neighbours move in recently, close enough that we need to walk past there house/parking space when walking from the car to the our house and vice versa.

They are quite a chatty couple with older children and seemed very friendly.

Little things have started happening when bumping into the man that lives there that have got my back up slightly.
The main one being i have a nearly teenage DD, when she isn't with me (she stays with her grandparents on a regular basis) the first question he will ask is 'where is she?' I try to divert the question, but he is quite persistent.
I am generally quite a private person and this really isn't any of his business! Is this him trying to be friendly & make conversation?

We had a couple of incidents this week that seem a bit more intense where he has made (what i feel) inappropriate comments to both my daughter and I. The other day, i had a jacket on from a particular brand, when he noticed this, he proceeded to lift his T-shirt up to show us the waistband on his underwear to both me and DD to say that we were matching, making us both feel uncomfortable and walking away saying 'was that appropriate'
He then proceeded to bypass me the next day and speak directly to my DD asking her how her day was at school and mouthing words like 'St' and 'Bus Wr' to her (she catches the bus to school) I know very well that she will hear worse than this at school etc, but it instantly got my back up coming from a adult male that we don't know well. We were both in shock at this point and made a quick exit to our house, but haven't I been able to get it out of my head since.

AIBU and he is just being friendly
or
AINBU and these things are strange and inappropriate and I need to shut him down the next time he tries doing things like this.

OP posts:
housethatbuiltme · 19/07/2024 14:45

swimsong · 19/07/2024 13:44

You sound like a bus wanker, tbh.

Context?

Do you mean in general as in I'm a person minding my own business going about my day to day life not expecting to get yelled at by twats?

That's because I am.

Or specifically that I'm someone waiting for a bus?

Because I'm not, I'm just sat in my house lol.

Do you even understand the phrase?

Loloj · 19/07/2024 14:56

He sounds a bit strange - probably trying to be friendly and “cool” but going about it in a weird way. Socially inept and not able to read body language/facial expressions. I met a bloke walking my dog the other day who I’d never met before and he droned on at me for 20 minutes telling me all about his family and son and dogs - in lots and lots of detial. I just didn’t get it - he didn’t ask me a single question - just bizarre! People are bizarre!

PotNoodleNancy · 19/07/2024 14:56

Never say SORRY. There’s absolutely no need to be polite to a creep like him. Being your neighbour does not entitle him to a second of your time.

I think I’d use this as an opportunity to teach your daughter that she does not need to answer questions from arseholes, or be polite to annoying people, and shitty men in particular.

Point out that men and boys have never been obliged to entertain this sort of shit from other people so why should women put up with this nonsense?

Stop engaging with him. Either ignore completely or glare at him and tell him to piss/fuck off, if you’re feeling particularly annoyed.

Loloj · 19/07/2024 15:05

Oh and the inbetweeners was bloody hilarious but he has clearly missed the mark attempting to quote inbetweeners lines at your daughter who presumably hasn’t got a clue what he’s taking about. Just try to avoid him/ act in a rush when you spot him. If you have any weird encounters with him again say “that’s an inappropriate thing to say to a 12 year old girl!” and walk off - make him feel awkward.

ohthejoys21 · 19/07/2024 15:31

An adult doesn't say "wanker" to a child end of story I don't care what it's about. Not normal and 100% bloody inappropriate!

Yousaidwhatagain · 19/07/2024 15:35

I would loudly calling him out. Are you showing a minor your underwear? Say that very loudly.

Again, are you using that type of language around a minor? Be loud and firm. Don't let him know that he can get away with this, and more importantly you are giving your dd reassurance that this isn't ok.

Limth · 19/07/2024 15:39

Stop being a meek people-pleaser.

Step the fuck up for your child and show her that its okay to have boundaries, and that you've got her back.

Sorry, OP, but you come across like a wet lettuce. Don't pass this on to your DD.

NonPithyBird · 19/07/2024 15:58

Yeah this is definitely inappropriate OP and I feel a little scared for your DS. I know you've probably been caught off guard not expecting such gross behaviour from a father himself, but now you know he is odd/not quite right, you need to step up for the sake of your daughter and show him very clearly where your boundaries are.

Longleggedblond · 19/07/2024 16:09

I'm glad I'm not the only one in dark re these phrases and I've watched Inbetweeners. He's a creep. ignore ignore ignore.

Homedesign123 · 19/07/2024 16:33

How can you have seen the inbetweeners and not have heard bus wankers? Maybe you missed that episode but it's a key line in the series. Just like "his mum still buys his trousers" "what's pesto? Is it for humans?" And "friend 👍🏻

needsomewarmsunshine · 19/07/2024 16:33

Why do women on here feel the need to be polite or even speak to this idiot? Ignore him and if he asks why look blank. If he's causing distress or the like get advice from the police. He's probably getting off on your discomfort. He knows exactly what's he's doing. Poor wife and dc.

swimlyn · 19/07/2024 17:58

I think he’s ‘testing the water’ to proceed to grooming.

Solocup · 19/07/2024 18:29

He sounds a bit daft, but I do think your life experiences are making him seem more of a danger than he is. He sounds like a bit of a goon but nothing worse. He’s trying to be cool by swearing (swearing really isn’t taboo anymore), and the pants thing, he didn’t think that one through, but it’s not that bad!

Whataretalkingabout · 19/07/2024 19:08

Glare then ignore every time he tries to speak to you. Tell your daughter to ignore him completely and not even look at him. He will get tired of not getting a reaction which is what he desperately wants.

Tumblingjungleofchaos · 19/07/2024 20:26

Where's DD?

Nonyer.

Nonyer??

None of your business. Bye!

beanii · 24/07/2024 18:38

You're letting your previous experience cloud your judgement - be careful you don't teach this to your daughter - there's being protective and over the top, you are the latter.

Showing the waistband of his boxers isn't offensive in my opinion.

Is he talking to your daughter because he has older children too?

Are you so closed off that you're hard to make conversation with?

Personally I don't see anything wrong with what he's done or said.

Think they're just trying to be friendly neighbours.

beanii · 24/07/2024 18:44

swimlyn · 19/07/2024 17:58

I think he’s ‘testing the water’ to proceed to grooming.

Blimey that's a humongous leap.

He's chatting as a neighbour.

UngratefulOldCabbage · 24/07/2024 18:48

swimlyn · 19/07/2024 17:58

I think he’s ‘testing the water’ to proceed to grooming.

I'd agree with this. I'd be doing a check on his background and, if I was wrong, then excellent. Although I'd be asking his wife if there's any early onset dementia causing him to make inappropriate comments which should help stop his behaviour. If not and he has a background then you've protected your child and I'd make sure he knew that I was aware of what he'd done.
But then I'm overprotective as I was the child with the overly friendly (and convicted peado) relative which was kept secret from me and my mum.
I'd rather be safe than sorry.

Casperroonie · 24/07/2024 19:17

Pops1105 · 19/07/2024 11:40

I haven't posted here for a very long time, but needed some reassurance that I am not overreacting - for context I have been wary of men that aren't family due to previous domestic violence that my Mum suffered when I was a young child.

We have had new neighbours move in recently, close enough that we need to walk past there house/parking space when walking from the car to the our house and vice versa.

They are quite a chatty couple with older children and seemed very friendly.

Little things have started happening when bumping into the man that lives there that have got my back up slightly.
The main one being i have a nearly teenage DD, when she isn't with me (she stays with her grandparents on a regular basis) the first question he will ask is 'where is she?' I try to divert the question, but he is quite persistent.
I am generally quite a private person and this really isn't any of his business! Is this him trying to be friendly & make conversation?

We had a couple of incidents this week that seem a bit more intense where he has made (what i feel) inappropriate comments to both my daughter and I. The other day, i had a jacket on from a particular brand, when he noticed this, he proceeded to lift his T-shirt up to show us the waistband on his underwear to both me and DD to say that we were matching, making us both feel uncomfortable and walking away saying 'was that appropriate'
He then proceeded to bypass me the next day and speak directly to my DD asking her how her day was at school and mouthing words like 'St' and 'Bus Wr' to her (she catches the bus to school) I know very well that she will hear worse than this at school etc, but it instantly got my back up coming from a adult male that we don't know well. We were both in shock at this point and made a quick exit to our house, but haven't I been able to get it out of my head since.

AIBU and he is just being friendly
or
AINBU and these things are strange and inappropriate and I need to shut him down the next time he tries doing things like this.

"Where's your DD?"
That's for me to know and no-one else.

No one needs to see your underwear thank you, you could be reported for that sort of thing.

Blank response to anything
else.

You can call the NSPCC I believe to ask for advice on ways forward/ reassurance on how to respond.

StoatofDisarray · 24/07/2024 19:34

SuncreamAndIceCream · 19/07/2024 11:47

The second one is bus wanker (an Inbetweeners quote) not sure about the first one but it's unlikely to be good is it

He's trying to be in with the kids by saying "bus wanker". Which ironically just underlines how much older than your DD he is, the sad sod. Its an insult, a version of pulling a girl's pigtails because he fancies her. In short, pathetic creep!

Beautiful3 · 24/07/2024 19:39

Omg he's creepy trying to bond with your daughter. Tell her, he's werid and to please keep away from him! Next time he says werid things say, " no that's just werid. Please stop."

Conniebygaslight · 24/07/2024 19:49

Ask him why he has such an interest in your child daughter….that should be enough to make him feel like the creep that he is. I had a neighbour who was always inappropriate to me in front of his wife, shouting things in a way that he thought was friendly banter, but it wasn’t it was bordering obsessive. One day I replied with, ‘you are far too interested in me’ he has hardly spoken to me since, which I’m very happy about.
Men often are creepy in a way that makes them appear ‘friendly’ it’s bloody disgusting.

Sparkysmum · 24/07/2024 20:16

Can you walk on the other side of the road then cross over when you get to your house?

Truthtalker · 24/07/2024 20:31

Ginlfixit · 19/07/2024 11:43

What is St and bus wr?

No idea on st but the other one is bus wanker 🤣🤣 its a joke everyone has with people who need to take the bus.

Summerlovin24 · 24/07/2024 22:30

YANBU
trust your gut...always

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