AIBU to think to a neighbour has acted inappropriately

[Pops1105]

I haven't posted here for a very long time, but needed some reassurance that I am not overreacting - for context I have been wary of men that aren't family due to previous domestic violence that my Mum suffered when I was a young child.

We have had new neighbours move in recently, close enough that we need to walk past there house/parking space when walking from the car to the our house and vice versa.

They are quite a chatty couple with older children and seemed very friendly.

Little things have started happening when bumping into the man that lives there that have got my back up slightly.
The main one being i have a nearly teenage DD, when she isn't with me (she stays with her grandparents on a regular basis) the first question he will ask is 'where is she?' I try to divert the question, but he is quite persistent.
I am generally quite a private person and this really isn't any of his business! Is this him trying to be friendly & make conversation?

We had a couple of incidents this week that seem a bit more intense where he has made (what i feel) inappropriate comments to both my daughter and I. The other day, i had a jacket on from a particular brand, when he noticed this, he proceeded to lift his T-shirt up to show us the waistband on his underwear to both me and DD to say that we were matching, making us both feel uncomfortable and walking away saying 'was that appropriate'
He then proceeded to bypass me the next day and speak directly to my DD asking her how her day was at school and mouthing words like 'St' and 'Bus Wr' to her (she catches the bus to school) I know very well that she will hear worse than this at school etc, but it instantly got my back up coming from a adult male that we don't know well. We were both in shock at this point and made a quick exit to our house, but haven't I been able to get it out of my head since.

AIBU and he is just being friendly
or
AINBU and these things are strange and inappropriate and I need to shut him down the next time he tries doing things like this.

If you can, next time he asks where she is, I'd say "Oh, she's out with her friends, who are (look him straight in the eye) y'know, her own age (hold stare)."

Is it bought or rented?
Just keep a diary of behaviour - if you need it at some point to complain.
Obviously just try and close down any communication from him but understand not always easy.

'I don't want to see your underwear.' in response to the underwear situation.
'Is there a reason why you need to know?' in response to asking about your daughter.
'Fine thanks, got to go' in response to him asking how daughter's day was.
Nobody has to tell their neighbours anything.

I was thinking maybe just a bit of an oddball/bit socially gauche till you got to the mouthing bit, but no, he's a creep. Agree with pps, shut it down.

I don't think OP meant he was saying it as a single phrase.

I would totally ignore the wanker, neighbour or not. No way would I put up with that shit from anyone.

Two options…
He asks where DD is - look confused & say odd question why would he want to know
2nd option - Ear buds - amazing invention- just point at ears, shrug & go on your merry way

Yes he sounds like a creep.

I would bellow “good morning Bernard” over the top of whatever he is saying and go on my merry way. Dont stop and engage. Yuck.

I think I'd just say.
'I'm finding your conversations really weird and inappropriate. Please stop'
and go on your way. You don't have to explain why, what its about. This comment doesn't show he's 'getting to you! just that you're nif rolling yo put up with his crap!

Practice your comeback so it's 'there' when you need it.

Many mumsnetters have clearly never heard of 'The Inbetweeners'.

It was massively popular show that spawned 2 films and was praised as the most accurate portrayal of teen life in British schools. Guessing it might not apply to middle class or private school types of which mumsnet seems to be full but it was pretty massive as a show.

'Bus Wanker' is one of the most famous catchphrases along with 'Bumder'.

He sounds like a creepy fucker! Be busy, brush past him, saying, "Can't stop," don't smile, don't apologise. And if he asks here your DD is, just say, "You don't need to know where she is." Let him know he has been rumbled.

He's a creep.

Older friendly men do not go on like this.

If he asks after your DD again tell him to mind his own business. Showing his pants, don't do that. And so on. Do not engage with him, not even hello. Men like him rely on people being polite.

It's important not to make him angry by totally ignoring him. He could become abusive. I would pas the time of day with something along the lines of Hi, how are you etc & quickly move on. I wouldn't engage in any form of conversation. I would instruct my child never to speak to him again.

We have a creepy neighbour who behaves similarly. It's not the same person, as our neighbour has been there for years (unfortunately). It included trying to embarrass DS when he was younger (primary school age), making a point of calling out inappropriate comments to DS about his "girlfriend" if he ever saw him with a girl when he was older.

There has been even worse behaviour towards vulnerable neighbours. And because I have called him out on his behaviour, his behaviour towards me has moved onto harassment - though usually just this side of deniable, and he is careful not to have witnesses, so the police have 'had words' with him but nothing more.

In your case, his behaviour towards your daughter is so out of line, I would consider contacting your neighbourhood policing team. Also think about how you and your daughter will respond to him. Make sure your daughter knows that she doesn't have to be polite to him and that not all grown ups are nice people who know how to behave. It is fine to ignore him.

Definitely be on your guard. Next thing he will "just happen" to be passing her school at closing time and offering your DD a lift 😡

This! And if it continues, tell him you're going to report his inappropriate behaviour to the police. And do that.

If he asks where your daughter is try replying ‘that’s classified’
or ‘if I told you I’d have to kill you’ without laughing or smiling.
It usually shuts them up ime.

You've shown him basic politeness and he's being weird, possibly creepy but either way is making you uncomfortable. And more importantly is making your daughter uncomfortable. I think you need to model to your DD that she does not, and should not, have to meekly put up with men behaving like this and she does not owe politeness to someone who makes her uncomfortable. Call him out and put him on the spot. For example: "Why are you showing us your underwear? Do you think that's appropriate?" I appreciate it's hard to come up with things off the cuff, so if you can't do that have some stock phrases ready. "I'm in a hurry. Bye" is fine. "I'm not interested in talking to you" is also fine.

It was a term used on ''The Inbetweeners'' ''Bus Wankers''

Creep.
He is speaking to you and your DD like this when neither his partner nor yours are present.
Which means it’s worse than inappropriate.
He knows he is making you uncomfortable to say the least.
A typical power play as he knows you are polite and don’t want to react with offence.
I am of an age now where I’m done with being polite.
You don’t have to be polite just because he’s a neighbour.
If a man in any other social setting behaved like this, it would cause alarm.
Don’t let him know he’s upset you but absolutely cut him off apart from a greeting.
I wouldn’t even give him that.
Weird danger.

@Pops1105 I haven't seen the 'In betweeners' for years , but this reaction to ''Bus wankers'' would be good..

Sorry you and your daughter have to live near such an unpleasant man.

Wtaf is wrong with some men ? Yesterday we had men staring at young girls and their little tiny breasts ,now we have someone creepy making indecent comments! Can Dad /Another older male walk with her a few times?He is unlikely to behave like this in front of another male .Shouldnt be the case but sadly often is.

I'm normally the first to shout creep but I think he's just a bit odd rather than dangerous. Asking about DD is probably just conversation amd I'd brush it off saying something vague like "just out and about, you know what teenagers are like".

He strikes me more as the office oddball that you try to avoid in the break room rather than a nutter who wants to cause harm.

I went to a djanky conprehensive but didn't recognise Inbetweeners as my school. There again, I was a bookish girl not a wanky boy.

Cut him dead and ridicule him to DD. Convey to her that his remarks are out of order and tell her to treat hersrlf better than listen to such gobshite.

It's impolite behaviour but you don't owe him the niceties if he won't behave courteously.

This is what I'd do- no way would I tell him where my daughter is. These responses are great- they put the focus back on him for being a creepy dickhead rather than on you for a reaction which is what he clearly wants.