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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think to a neighbour has acted inappropriately

108 replies

Pops1105 · 19/07/2024 11:40

I haven't posted here for a very long time, but needed some reassurance that I am not overreacting - for context I have been wary of men that aren't family due to previous domestic violence that my Mum suffered when I was a young child.

We have had new neighbours move in recently, close enough that we need to walk past there house/parking space when walking from the car to the our house and vice versa.

They are quite a chatty couple with older children and seemed very friendly.

Little things have started happening when bumping into the man that lives there that have got my back up slightly.
The main one being i have a nearly teenage DD, when she isn't with me (she stays with her grandparents on a regular basis) the first question he will ask is 'where is she?' I try to divert the question, but he is quite persistent.
I am generally quite a private person and this really isn't any of his business! Is this him trying to be friendly & make conversation?

We had a couple of incidents this week that seem a bit more intense where he has made (what i feel) inappropriate comments to both my daughter and I. The other day, i had a jacket on from a particular brand, when he noticed this, he proceeded to lift his T-shirt up to show us the waistband on his underwear to both me and DD to say that we were matching, making us both feel uncomfortable and walking away saying 'was that appropriate'
He then proceeded to bypass me the next day and speak directly to my DD asking her how her day was at school and mouthing words like 'St' and 'Bus Wr' to her (she catches the bus to school) I know very well that she will hear worse than this at school etc, but it instantly got my back up coming from a adult male that we don't know well. We were both in shock at this point and made a quick exit to our house, but haven't I been able to get it out of my head since.

AIBU and he is just being friendly
or
AINBU and these things are strange and inappropriate and I need to shut him down the next time he tries doing things like this.

OP posts:
Homedesign123 · 19/07/2024 13:28

I assumed it was shit and bus wanker

MotherJessAndKittens · 19/07/2024 13:31

Obviously heard of shit but not bus wanker and I would tell this man he is not using appropriate language to me never mind my teenage daughter (not there yet). If he does it again could you mention to his wife?

CalishataFolkart · 19/07/2024 13:32

I get the “bus wanker” thing, although it’s inappropriate, but wtf is he doing randomly mouthing the word “shit”? He can’t pass that off as a quote or reference or joke. It’s just weird.

I agree with asking why he wants to know where your daughter is, but emphasise her age if you do.

“Where is she?”
”Why do you want to know where my teenage daughter is?”

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 19/07/2024 13:33

This is a 12 year old, I very much doubt she has a clue what inbetweeners is. He's completely inappropriate and creepy and needs shutting down.

FictionalCharacter · 19/07/2024 13:34

Lurkingandlearning · 19/07/2024 12:02

The thing is, if he’s trying to make you feel uncomfortable or just push the “cool with the kids” thing, telling him you are uncomfortable will probably please him.

Maybe a dead eyed “Why do you want to know where she is?” Why would you show anyone your pants? Why have you got a problem with the school bus?

Whatever he replies just roll your eyes and hurry daughter along and make a point of showing you are both happy and relaxed once you’re past him. Hopefully he will then feel like the dick he is and stop trying to engage

This.
No way is mouthing swear words at a young girl “being friendly” ffs. No way. And it is not normal to keep asking where she is. He’s an absolute creep. Give him the ice cold, blank expression treatment, and don’t engage in conversation with him because you feel the need to be polite. You don’t owe him your conversation or your time.

swimsong · 19/07/2024 13:44

housethatbuiltme · 19/07/2024 12:44

Many mumsnetters have clearly never heard of 'The Inbetweeners'.

It was massively popular show that spawned 2 films and was praised as the most accurate portrayal of teen life in British schools. Guessing it might not apply to middle class or private school types of which mumsnet seems to be full but it was pretty massive as a show.

'Bus Wanker' is one of the most famous catchphrases along with 'Bumder'.

You sound like a bus wanker, tbh.

SeeSeeRider · 19/07/2024 13:45

Lampslights · 19/07/2024 11:45

This.

I'm not going to be able to get on with my day now. What do they mean?

Flumpie59 · 19/07/2024 13:51

I was wondering that too!

NetflixAndKill · 19/07/2024 13:55

@oakleaffy oh god I love them boys

Flumpie59 · 19/07/2024 13:55

He sounds very creepy and predatory.

You and your daughter should keep a diary, one each, of everything he says and does that you find odd/weird/strange. Detail the dates, times, his words, actions, how you feel etc. ''just in case''.

He would creep me out big time if he spoke to me that way and I'm a 59 year okd woman with no kids!

oakleaffy · 19/07/2024 13:55

swimsong · 19/07/2024 13:44

You sound like a bus wanker, tbh.

You have missed the point totally.
The person you are quoting isn't a ''bus wanker'', as she's probably not standing at a bus stop.

I'm a bus wanker, as it's easier to get a bus into town than drive.

Horsedatives · 19/07/2024 13:57

There keeps on being threads with this exact premise. Bit odd

HateMyNewJobSoMuch · 19/07/2024 13:58

This is absolutely not normal. My partner would NEVER notice anything our neighbours were wearing unless it was unusually designed to attract attention (think Lady Gaga and Sam Smith).

He is an absolute creep and this os a great opportunity to demonstrate to your daughter how to deal with these types as unfortunately there is no shortage of them.

HoppingPavlova · 19/07/2024 13:59

The main one being i have a nearly teenage DD, when she isn't with me (she stays with her grandparents on a regular basis) the first question he will ask is 'where is she?' I try to divert the question, but he is quite persistent. I am generally quite a private person and this really isn't any of his business! Is this him trying to be friendly & make conversation

You look at him and say ‘Why are you asking, it seems both odd and untoward, why do you need to know where my daughter is’.

The problem is being polite. Why? What would this achieve when the the person you are dealing with seems to be a pervert?

HoppingPavlova · 19/07/2024 14:01

Sorry, further to my previous post, I just fail to see why this is taken on as ‘your problem’ rather than putting it back on the pervert as their problem?

Codlingmoths · 19/07/2024 14:01

This definitely needs shutting down. To the where is question reply firmly out. Where’s <your wife> why doesn’t she get endless time to hang around? We should drop by and say hi to her. (Do you have a partner? Say <partners name> and I should drop in and say hi to her.
cool, friendly, firm, I don’t buy your shit tone. Teach your dd she doesn’t owe him a reply- to look at him, and keep walking.

Sunshineafterthehail · 19/07/2024 14:04

Not sure how old you dd is op but if she is ever home alone insist she never answers the door to him. Ime it's hard for dc to be rude to strangers. As dm's we get the back chat and eye rolling but to an adult dc are usually polite. - good upbringing!! I have 3 dd's and told them if they aren't comfortable with how close /friendly people get it's fine to smile and say please go away. Or stop talking to me thanks.. Or plain old fuck off. Dd often got approached in the bus for example... She would move seats or stand near the driver. She did tell one pervy bloke he was just that. Teach her it's OK to be rude if need be...

Alucard55 · 19/07/2024 14:05

Lazydomestic · 19/07/2024 12:28

Two options…
He asks where DD is - look confused & say odd question why would he want to know
2nd option - Ear buds - amazing invention- just point at ears, shrug & go on your merry way

This 100%. Turn it back on him. Act confused and make these men repeat their creepy inappropriate comments.

DingleDongBellEnd · 19/07/2024 14:07

OP how assertive do you feel you can be with him?
Can you take on the bossy school teacher vibe and say "no Howard, I hope you've not been showing your pants to any old ladies on the street this week"
and sort of mock him into knowing he's not appropriate.
I agree that engaging the wife in convo or bringing her up might help.
But I don't know how well you know this guy and the best thing might actually be a silent wave of dismissal as you keep walking past his house and into your own, without stopping.

chattyness · 19/07/2024 14:16

I think if he asked where my daughter was I'd say something like "if I told you that she'd have to find another place to hide then wouldn't she" or "Well she's not here, so I guess she must be somewhere else" with a dead eye stare then turn & walk away. Stick to that, give him no info whatsoever

PorridgeEater · 19/07/2024 14:17

This is inappropriate - don't engage with him, he'll only use it to be more of a nuisance. "Sorry got to rush" if he does ask questions.

Homedesign123 · 19/07/2024 14:22

We've got a weird neighbour he's probably in his 70's only speaks English if he wants a lift or wants to borrow money or cigs. His daughter is currently in prison for running a human trafficking ring from their house so no one really wants to interact with him, they're dodgy as hell. My sister was round a few weeks ago and as she left he went over to her car and tried getting in it WITH HER TWO DAUGHTERS who are 9 & 6 and said you take me to Lidl. Luckily my OH was home so I said "get him to fuck" and he went out and told him to do one. When I see him in the street I just avoid eye contact and go in the house quickly

Suusue · 19/07/2024 14:42

Omg this man is a pervert. Cold shoulder him and tell your daughter why. What a vile creep. Keep a beady eye on him.

itsmylife7 · 19/07/2024 14:45

Don't be polite
Don't say please

Be very firm in your response to him.

He's taking the piss because he knows you're feeling uncomfortable.

You've got to stand up to him before he starts with the
" other stuff" which will no doubt be sexual.

EmmaPeele · 19/07/2024 14:45

We had a neighbour like this at my parents house. He was an older man with grown up children who, funnily enough, only started his inappropriate comments after my dad died and my mum was left alone. He used to walk past her and say things like "how's the rich widow today?". I eventually moved in with her and he started his weird comments on me, telling me I'd landed on my feet moving in with my mum etc all said in a supposedly "jokey" way but actually quite offensive. I found completely ignoring him, not acknowledging what he said but giving him my "resting bitch face" stare soon shut him up. One day he approached my son on the nearby field, ds was just stood around, not bothering anyone, but this man went out of his way to ride right up to him on his bike and started asking him strange "jokey" questions. What the weirdo didn't know was that my son was actually waiting for our extremely large, very protective dog, to reappear from behind the bushes. Ddog, on spotting this weirdo harassing ds, launched himself at him and knocked him off his bike. Needless to say there were no "jokey" comments after that!