What to do about the weekend

[DancingQueen2018]

I’m away next weekend on a much needed solo trip so I really can’t move it.

the same weekend we (DH, I, DD13 and DD8) were invited to a bbq. Old work friends of DH, lovely people but no kids (and not likely to be any there), plus 90 minutes away.

DH would really like to go and says the kids will just need to suck it up, whereas I do agree on some level that they can’t always get their way I feel this is a recipe for disaster. We’ve just been referred to SS early help to improve his relationship with the children (DD13 is being assessed for ASD) and especially their relationship is terrible at times, my suspicion is that he also has ASD.

I feel if he wants to go he should, but leave the kids home - my mum who they adore will happily come and babysit. Or he should decline and do something with the kids they’ll all enjoy.

i’ve been far too much of a people pleaser in the past but am trying to be a stronger advocate for my daughter who’s had a really tough year, WIBU to put my foot down and say he needs to pick from the options above of the kids don’t want to go?

If SS are involved, presumably he is actively abusive, as any neglect by him would have been remedied by you.

And yet he still expects his wants to come above all, and the kids to suck it up.

Do you really need to ask if yabu?

He needs to leave them at home with your mum. He can't expect them to go especially as they have no kids. Why does he want them there, to show how great he is?

We’ve just been referred to SS early help to improve his relationship with the children (DD13 is being assessed for ASD) and especially their relationship is terrible at times, my suspicion is that he also has ASD.

WTAF

SS?

I would NOT be leaving the children with his man

how the HELL would you even consider going?! i wouldn’t sleep let alone relax

Unless he’s planning to stay indefinitely at the barbecue, I see no reason why he shouldn’t involve the kids in finding something fun to do in the vicinity or on the way (if it’s 90 minutes away), and they make a day of it in a way that means everyone has some fun.

my daughter who’s had a really tough year

a huge understatement i suspect

They've been referred to Early Help. That's for families that need support, not for families where there's abuse.

The way you are framing this is really concerning, OP.

You haven't been a people pleaser, have you? You've been a husband pleaser. Presumably because you're scared of him?

You say "DD13 is being assessed for ASD) and especially their relationship is terrible at times" but a 13-year-old isn't responsible for her relationship with her father when things have got so bad that social services are involved. You mean that your husband is abusive towards your DD.

I'm assuming emotional/verbal abuse. Why else would SS introduce Early Help, @AntiHop? The bar is pretty high. They don't refer because a father can't plan appropriate weekend activities for his children.

exactly

this will be serious

How CAhMS have framed it to me is that early help will enable us to access support and courses around the best ways to parent and support our daughter. There’s been no suggestion of abuse, only that she doesn’t enjoy spending time with him.

i think it’s fair to say that I’ve tried to please a lot of people in the past (mostly my husband but a lot of others), but I recognise that a lot better now and am trying much harder to speak up when I think something is unacceptable but it doesn’t come easily to me and I do second guess myself a lot.

I think your solution for your mum to babysit is good

He’s always struggled with putting the children first and I’ve always endeavoured to make for his apparent lack of interest by doing more, what this means is though that they live being with me and not so much with him. but it’s all been magnified by the ASD and the extra care that you have to take with her.

who referred?

op

this is bad. really bad. you are leaving your young teen daughter with her father with whom she has a diabolical relationship

I can't get past you leaving her with him full stop.

It's the end of the school year, your DD needs a couple of very low demand days of doing nothing if she is likely to have ASD to help her recharge and transition to holiday mode.

If your husband is abusive then I wouldn't be going a way at all certainly not leaving him in sole care.

I would agree with your mum that the children can go to hers for the weekend and frame it to your DH that it means you both get to have a 'grown ups' weekend, if DD won't go to grandmas then suggest to DH that he gets a Premier Inn for some much needed R&R and frame it as his idea.

And then, you make plans to leave him. If I was in a relationship where social services were involved due to the behaviour of the other parent I would not be sticking around. Your older daughter is old enough to decide how much she wants to see him, it may help their relationship massively if it was in short bursts.

If your mum is happy to have them then I'd definitely leave the kids with her. Even if there wasn't the strained father / daughter relationship, an adult BBQ with people you don't know isn't much fun when you're that age.

All this fuss over a bbq? Your dh needs to grow up!

"Sorry mate can't make it this time, maybe next time!"

10 simple words that solve this whole issue!

From what you've said, OP, it seems that your DC:

• are under a great deal of stress

• likely have SEN

• are recognised by SS as needing some additional support to foster their wellbeing

• don't want to go to a boring long-haul event for their dad's sole benefit (especially without you there to ensure their needs are met while he's off socialising); and

• already have alternative childcare available.

The only reason he could possibly have for wanting to drag the DC to the event against their will under these circumstances is through selfishly wanting to show off his family, but they are children, not fashion accessories.

Plus, the fact that he's even considering putting his wants before their needs in taking them to the event illustrates what a nightmare situation this is going to be for them once he gets there and needs them to 'suck it up' and not bother him while he's socialising.

YWNBU to tell him the DC's wellbeing comes first and that you have made arrangements for them to stay with your DM. He can still do what he wants, so it's a win-win situation.

And now you're shifting the focus from your husband's treatment of your DD to the impact of her ASD. Poor kid.

The OP said early help - this is not statutory social care, it's voluntary support to help them as a family. It does not mean the father is abusive but it does sound like he struggles to prioritize and understand the needs of his children. I would absolutely sit down with him and think this through together, in fact it may be helpful to have this discussion together with your early help worker too.

We have Early Help and a family worker due to DS behaviour/difficulties. It's not an indicator of abuse and yes it has helped us to get additional support.
And yes, both DH and I need support in how we deal with DS but I've left him with the DCs this week while I've been away for work, and everyone is still alive.

There's some really damaging misinformation on this thread. Early Help does NOT necessarily mean abuse. We are working with Early Help because we're struggling with DS who has ADHD/ODD/anxiety and likely ASD. He has huge raging meltdowns where people get hurt. I (more than my husband) struggle with how to handle him and our reationship needs work. We are not abusive and there has never been any suggestion that we are.

Back to the OP - simce your mum has offered, that seems like the best solution. If you didn't have anyone to babysit then I'd say no harm in taking them, but take stuff for them to do (even if it means they sit playing on their devices, it won't hurt for an afternoon) and be prepared to potentially leave early if things do get difficult.

The bar for statutory is higher than most people would imagine or be remotely comfortable with, @Notmydaughteryoubitch.

The idea that OP can sit down and successfully talk this through with her husband, given how he has been described, is optimistic at best.

SS involvement doesn’t always mean abuse or neglect. They also help families in need of support. I’m not suggesting OP’s husband is dad of the year, but SS doesn’t automatically equal abuse or neglect.

OP - if your mum is happy to babysit it’s an obvious solution. If your DH is digging in and insisting they come despite having that option then he is being completely unreasonable and needs to recognise that his relationship with your daughter isn’t going to improve if he forced her to spend time with him against her will in a situation that’s likely to be miserable for her.

I hope your family is able to get the help it needs for this situation to be resolved.