What to do about the weekend

[DancingQueen2018]

I’m away next weekend on a much needed solo trip so I really can’t move it.

the same weekend we (DH, I, DD13 and DD8) were invited to a bbq. Old work friends of DH, lovely people but no kids (and not likely to be any there), plus 90 minutes away.

DH would really like to go and says the kids will just need to suck it up, whereas I do agree on some level that they can’t always get their way I feel this is a recipe for disaster. We’ve just been referred to SS early help to improve his relationship with the children (DD13 is being assessed for ASD) and especially their relationship is terrible at times, my suspicion is that he also has ASD.

I feel if he wants to go he should, but leave the kids home - my mum who they adore will happily come and babysit. Or he should decline and do something with the kids they’ll all enjoy.

i’ve been far too much of a people pleaser in the past but am trying to be a stronger advocate for my daughter who’s had a really tough year, WIBU to put my foot down and say he needs to pick from the options above of the kids don’t want to go?

Those referrals were due to children being challenging, @Shielehdie. That's not the case here. How can my reference to a high bar be specific here? I'm hardly going to quote a case, and it wouldn't be helpful to OP anyway.

Why are you so determined that no one can be concerned at the situation OP describes for her DD, but just be motivated by a desire for drama? Such an odd response. I would rather not have seen cases of emotional abuse minimised and ignored by SS, only in one case for them to contact me later asking for further details as they were now trying to remove a baby. It's kept me awake at night many times and you can never feel you've done enough.

Just popping on to echo other pp about what EH actually do. I actually wish their existence and function was more widely known. So often as a parent we are flailing about hoping for the best, asking on here, going down internet rabbitholes and being told contradictory things, being blamed. My involvement with them gas comes about because one of my children is socially v vulnerable, made some bad choices and needs professional help...as to I to know how to help him. The Team around the Family meetings are just that. Some on here do seem to jump to the most extreme scenarios based on one word or phrase. AIBU isn't a court of law and forensically analysing language to try and "prove" something is not helping the op.

i honestly can’t understand how you’d relax for a nano second

knowing your two young children are with someone who doesn’t put his children first and needs professional help in managing his relationship with his daughter

unfathomable actually

@quickoffthemark well maybe the op knows her family dynamic better than we do and is confident that whilst their relationship needs work her DH is not a danger to his children. Maybe she also knows that if she doesn't get a breathing space she will also be unable to continue to cope. Perfectly fathomable.

I think you're options of go alone or stay home are fine in this situation.

Normally I'd agree with him about sucking it up sometimes as a general principle but he seems overly invested in making a power play to deliberately piss them off when there is a better solution for everyone. It would really really bother me in the context of your situation that he would rather force a situation than will upset him, his kids and ultimately the friend, just so he can say "I knew they would ruin it" and has an excuse to punish them.

and given the entire thrust of the thread that Op has started…. i would say i am correct in thinking WTF how will you be able to relax

my benchmark for leaving my children in someone’s care for the weekend is not simply that they are “not a danger” to my children

"someone" is the other parent. My kids generally prefer being at my house with me than their dad's. He is impatient and shouty but not unsafe. They do go (they're teens..old enough to say if they don't want to) and i get a hugely needed break. Mummy martyrdom can go too far and some on here are far too quick to be keyboard warriors for unrealistic and extreme hyperbole. Dad's not perfect...quick, call the police.

have you been you referred to SS early years because of tour DH’s relationship with his teen daughter? do you think your DH never “puts his children first”?

i hope not

the OP doesn’t want her children with their father for the weekend because she feels very uncomfortable about it

sort of tells me all i need to know about how serious the issue is between him and his children.

No, the OP is happy for the children to be at home, just thinks they will hate the BBQ and thinks her DH is being stubborn about that.

And yes there's a high bar for child protection but that isn't what this is. There's a low bar for Early Help.

the OP is happy for the children to be at home,

you think the OP is “happy” to leave them with the children given how she has described him?

* she doesn’t enjoy spending time with him.*

he doesn’t put the children first

he has been referred to SS for support re his relationship with this young teen who has a very serious mental health history

this has shit show for the children stamped all over it

the op will get her weekend away

but will return to a horror