What to do about the weekend

[DancingQueen2018]

I’m away next weekend on a much needed solo trip so I really can’t move it.

the same weekend we (DH, I, DD13 and DD8) were invited to a bbq. Old work friends of DH, lovely people but no kids (and not likely to be any there), plus 90 minutes away.

DH would really like to go and says the kids will just need to suck it up, whereas I do agree on some level that they can’t always get their way I feel this is a recipe for disaster. We’ve just been referred to SS early help to improve his relationship with the children (DD13 is being assessed for ASD) and especially their relationship is terrible at times, my suspicion is that he also has ASD.

I feel if he wants to go he should, but leave the kids home - my mum who they adore will happily come and babysit. Or he should decline and do something with the kids they’ll all enjoy.

i’ve been far too much of a people pleaser in the past but am trying to be a stronger advocate for my daughter who’s had a really tough year, WIBU to put my foot down and say he needs to pick from the options above of the kids don’t want to go?

This family have it because of the fathers relationship with his daughter

so a touch different

But that's not the situation here, @Raveonette, @drspouse. As was clear from OP’s first post.

as long as you get your much needed solo trip thats all that matters ay?

the OP, the OP!, said they had been referred because of her husband’s relationship and handling of his daughter

what you have done @Raveonette is plough in with your size 10s without reading the thread properly

Hey some serious misunderstanding about SS early help here!!

If you have a child with additional needs EARLY HELP is to BENEFIT the family - it is NOT linked to abuse.

We self referred to early help! was not in the slightest useful tbh - but it has NOTHING to do with abuse.

and another one 🙄

OP states in her OP that Early Help is involved specifically to improve DH relationship with DD. It doesn't mention the DD having explosive meltdowns, not everyone with autism does, so there is no reason to think (given the information available) that this is anything to do with offering support with challenging child behaviour.

yes - but you can be referred to help with a parent manage relationship with child

I'm not in any way suggesting that the father is not at fault or his behaviour is a concern.

But - you cannot extrapolate that there is suspected abuse because of a referral to early help - that isn't how it works.

We’ve just been referred to SS early help to improve his relationship with the children (DD13 is being assessed for ASD) and especially their relationship is terrible at times,

has anyone said abuse?

But we also have it because we need help handling DS.
If we were handling him perfectly we would (hopefully) not have problems with his behaviour.

I’m sorry @DancingQueen2018 you may well need a break but you can’t just go off and leave your 13 yr old with her dad considering the referral to SS , that is not a normal outcome from CAMHS. Can you not arrange for the children to go to their grandmother for the weekend otherwise I think you need to stay home or take her with you

i think it’s fair to say that I’ve tried to please a lot of people in the past (mostly my husband but a lot of others), but I recognise that a lot better now and am trying much harder to speak up when I think something is unacceptable but it doesn’t come easily to me and I do second guess myself a lot.

Obviously, it takes time to trust one's own judgement when you're accustomed to acquiescing, but a good test is to ask yourself whether you would drag your DC to that event to see your friends without a second adult if they desperately didn't want to go and you could just leave them with your mum instead.

Obviously atm SS support is voluntary (probably as they recognise that you are protecting your DC), but learning to stand up to DH when it comes to putting the DC's welfare first is an important step in being able to protect the DC, because if he is making questionable decisions and you are going along with them against your own better judgement, then it's a sign that you're potentially unable to protect them from his poor judgement.

In your situation, I would err on the side of caution, especially until you've had more input and advice on the SEN and support needs from CAMHS (and SS).

For anyone who missed it:

We’ve just been referred to SS early help to improve his relationship with the children (DD13 is being assessed for ASD) and especially their relationship is terrible at times, my suspicion is that he also has ASD.

OP describes her husband's relationship with their teenage DD as "terrible" and referral to Early Help is to address this. No suggestion that DD's behaviour is unmanageable or even challenging.

The fact that he is a poor parent who can't adapt for the children is concerning and means that more consnideration to the children's needs/wants are needed than perhaps is standard.

Obviously, this is WITHOUT any issues in either me/DH's relationship with the DC but a similar situation recently came up when DH was working and I wanted to visit a friend about 90 minutes away. I took the Dc with me, and each brought a friend. It was helped by the fact that my friend lives near a beach so we all went to the beach (with my friend and her DH) then went back to their (lovely, and frankly very big) house for a BBQ and the DC lolled around on their ipads, chatting etc The boys played a bit of casual football in the garden.

I think we’ve been referred for help with parenting a child with ASD - maybe I didn’t make that clear. She doesn’t have meltdowns like that, but has very negative thoughts about herself and self harm, struggles with friendships. In our area Early run run specific courses to help all of us in how to navigate it.

honestly, I need the help too, I do my best but I’ve got no idea of what I’m doing is right or wrong or helpful for her and I take everything they offer me.

All these people smugly saying that posters talking about early help haven’t read the thread properly or have misunderstood are honestly astounding.

The fact that the help in this situation is to improve the father’s relationship with his daughter STILL doesn’t mean abuse is happening. It might mean he doesn’t know how to handle her when she’s struggling with her emotions, or that he isn’t active and engaged with her, or that her behaviour is triggering shut downs in him and making things worse.

Lots of people are imperfect parents without being abusive and can, with help, overcome their issues and be much better. Social services regularly help in situations such as these.

I know it’s thrilling for some of you to liven up your day by imagining a dramatic scenario and then taking the moral high ground over anyone not willing to plunge headfirst into your fantasies but you’re talking to a real person doing her best in a real situation, and however much you’ve decided you must be absolutely right about this, none of you actually know anything about what is actually happening with this family.

Just stress to him that he'll have a much better time/catch up on his own than having to make sure the kids are ok.

This thread isn't about your situation, @drspouse. And it sounds like the reasons for your referral have little relevance to OP's.

I would not leave my DD for a weekend with her dad if their relationship had broken down to a point that SS are involved and trying to help.

But if you're going to go ahead with your weekend away regardless then yes absolutely let your DDs stay with their grandma instead of 3 hours stuck in a car for a BBQ with their dads friends. How shit for them.

On the contrary - they sound very similar though my DH doesn't have ASD, he's had panic attacks induced by DS behaviour, and like the OP, early help is working on our mental health, both our interactions with him etc etc.
It can be very hard to admit you need help in your relationship with your DC and also that you need a break from parenting, and this may well be what the OP's DH is struggling with.

Op - my daughter is autistic and would not cope in a situation you describe re. BBQ - and if dad is struggling to cope / support her then he needs to be told.

Make an arrangement for her at least to stay with your mum.

No, @Shielehdie. I'm going on what OP said in her posts, which is not reflected in yours.

Far from trying liven up my day (that is such a tasteless comment) I've worked in conjunction with SS, and seen the bar to their involvement. The vast majority of the public have no idea what is required for SS to accept a referral.

There is no indication that it is the daughter's behaviour that has triggered the referral (beyond her distress), only the husband's behaviour.

(OP, it's always a mistake to post anything of this nature on AIBU. Relationships perhaps.)

Honestly in the situation you describe I wouldn’t be leaving my husband with our children at all