What to do about the weekend

[DancingQueen2018]

I’m away next weekend on a much needed solo trip so I really can’t move it.

the same weekend we (DH, I, DD13 and DD8) were invited to a bbq. Old work friends of DH, lovely people but no kids (and not likely to be any there), plus 90 minutes away.

DH would really like to go and says the kids will just need to suck it up, whereas I do agree on some level that they can’t always get their way I feel this is a recipe for disaster. We’ve just been referred to SS early help to improve his relationship with the children (DD13 is being assessed for ASD) and especially their relationship is terrible at times, my suspicion is that he also has ASD.

I feel if he wants to go he should, but leave the kids home - my mum who they adore will happily come and babysit. Or he should decline and do something with the kids they’ll all enjoy.

i’ve been far too much of a people pleaser in the past but am trying to be a stronger advocate for my daughter who’s had a really tough year, WIBU to put my foot down and say he needs to pick from the options above of the kids don’t want to go?

Are you suggesting that OP should cancel her booked holiday to attend DH's ex-colleague's barbecue instead?

Her DM can babysit so her going on the trip without the DC isn't the issue at all - it's her DH insisting on taking the DC to an event they don't want to go to.

OP, I don't know if DH is controlling/petty, but is there a possibility that DH is insisting on taking the DC to cause issues that prevent you from going away or to deter you from making solo plans in the future? If so, id definitely just arrange for DM to babysit from the outset in future.

I did debate for a while about where to post it, but as we all know AIbU gets the most replies. And people can only go off what’s written so it’s hard to get the context right, and im
pretty tough

part of the reason for the time away is to try to work out what I want and should do that’s best for the children.

thanks to everyone who’s commented, especially those who have some experience of the process - it’s a huge learning curve!

Don’t be a prick, @Tricho

Surely your DM babysitting is the ideal solution.
DH gets to go to the BBQ and socialise without bored children in tow.
Children have a good time with their grand mother.
Sounds like a win win to me. What's the problem with this?

Is your husband being assessed for ASD? If not, would he consider it?

Do SS know he has suspected ASD? Does he even know?

It seems quite straightforward. You go away, he goes to BBQ, children stay at home with gran. Just because he needs to improve his relationship with his children doesn't mean he has to do that ALL the time. If an arrangement makes everyone happy that's very satisfactory unless I'm missing something.

The bar for Early Help is not high.

You can refer yourself and it is entirely voluntary.

If you went to the school, for example, and said DD is struggling at home, there's friction between her dad, also possibility of ND for both of them, their response would be very likely to refer to Early Help, who will likely just provide them a list of potential resources and charities they can in turn refer the family to.

I have a situation with an insane neighbour terrorising my children; I phoned SS myself and all they could do was ask school to do Early Help assessment and closed the case. The result of that has been I've been advised of a charity who can help with advocacy for us with applications etc.

Just posting to illustrate for people who have never been involved with EH, that it is absolutely not for cases where abuse is actively suspected.

The bar for SS to actually get involved is high, to do more than just signpost and close the care. As you have seen yourself, @SilverDoe

Mum helping out I think is the best option.

Thank you to the person who pointed out how high the bar is for social services involvement and why.

A parent can have a difficult relationship with a child without it being abusive.

Say what you want, but kids' behaviour can result in tension between them and parents. Obviously.

@DancingQueen2018 He’s always struggled with putting the children first . Bloody hell! what part of being a parent does he not get?? He sounds like a selfish asshole!! there will be other bbq's you can all go to! does he think they will just spoil his fun? is he intent on just getting drunk or something?? is he deliberately trying to sabotage YOUR weekend away which sounds like something you do not do very often??

If you're "pretty tough", @DancingQueen2018, how have you allowed your husband's behaviour towards his particularly vulnerable daughter to continue to this point?

If mum can babysit then that seems like a good option. Overall though, you need to be able to trust that DD will do as her father says and that her father's expectations will be ok. I mean if you have to micro manage every because you can't trust them to work together at all, then you shouldn't go.

Early Help is not the same as SS involvement. Early Help can be self referred.

If there was abuse or neglect suspected, it wouldn't be dealt with via voluntary Early Help.

I think the husband sounds really bad btw, especially with OP's updates, but struggling to parent does not mean you are abusive, and I think it's bad on a parenting website to insinuate that.

Pretty tough but a people pleaser? SS involved but nothing to worry about?

You'll explain it all as us not understanding "context", ie it's all fine and we're just thick, but dear Lord, there's clearly more going on here.

Early Help is not SS. Early Help is usually run by local councils and is when a support worker meets with the family and contacts other agencies to support the family, such as support agencies for ASD. They liaise with the school, healthcare etc and help with parenting skills. It can be stepped up to SS, but this is rare. I know all this because I used to chair TAFs (Team Around the Familly) meetings for Early Help.

and not a people pleaser when it comes to her 13 year old daughter suffering from hellish mental heath issues

Put your door down . Drop the kids at your mums before you go away . It’s the only way you will
have any inner peace all weekend.

Your husband is a bully

That is a horrible thing to say, maybe the OP is at the end of her rope and needs a break, maybe it involves an obligation to someone other than immediate family. Or maybe as am individual in her own right she wants to just go and have fun for one fucking weekend.

I don't understand why he won't take the MIL babysitting option? Far less stressful all round.

No kids/teens are going to enjoy that BBQ. For your daughter, it will probably be actively stressful. If he won't accept your DM coming cover, take the kids there when you leave. Enjoy your weekend.

I think it's clear from OP's post that her husband is emotionally abusive to their DH, @SilverDoe.Try getting SS to act on that. Impossible.

@DancingQueen2018 do you think your DD would be happier if your DH didn’t live with you?

We were referred to early help because of school refusal and self harm - there is social services and social services………..

Your vague references to their being a ‘high bar’ for early help involvement are directly contradicted by the accounts of several posters on here who have actually had that involvement for reasons which have nothing to do with abuse.

You either don’t know what you’re talking about or you’re choosing to be deliberately obtuse for the sake of creating a dramatic soap opera narrative.

If the kids don't want to go, they should of course stay home with your mum. Tell him it makes more sense for everyone to be able to do what they like. He can socialise without having to parent 🙄, and kids can have a nice day with their nan. Surely if you phrase it like that he's not going to try and force them along?
Especially with SS involved he must know they shouldn't be dragged to places where there's no other kids and they'll be bored.
I hope he tries to seek help for his symptoms, which could indeed be ASD related. Though neglect is obviously not acceptable. I know you say it's not come to that which is good.