Bloody Christmas.

[Autumnflakes]

My mum decided last year that well alternative between my DB house (enjoys hosting!) and ours each year as we’ve got the biggest houses. She’s got very 1970’s views when it comes to hosting, she was absolutely disgusted when I put a jar of cranberry sauce on the table on a random Sunday, and since offered me Grandma’s hostess trolley and crystal for when I host. Last year when we stayed at DB house for Xmas she almost seemed excited that our airbed was flat as ‘that’s what Xmas is all about’.

DH is extremely laid back, and usually half glass full, but after leaving DB house he said ‘never again’. He grew up in a similar family, all about forced fun, the atmosphere feels like a pressure cooker as an argument could happen at any moment, cannot spend a second away from the main group. DB house was exhausting, up at the crack of dawn, dogs begging at the table, every second scheduled for ‘fun’, snide remarks, eating prawn cocktails to be polite, sleeping on the floor, barely got to spend any time together (DH got sent to the pub with the ‘boys’ when he was more than happy watching a film with us), DH said he didn’t get a proper hold of DD the whole time etc. I suggested secret Santa which was completely poo pooed as ‘stocking fillers is what it’s all about’ (we’re both minimalists, hate tat and cost a fortune!)

Other sibling is spending Xmas with their other side of the family this year and we’ve been asked what our plans are.

I answered with ‘we’ll be staying at home this year, anyone is welcome to visit us but we’re not doing a traditional Xmas. We don’t like turkey, and I don’t want to be stressing all morning about dinner so it will probably be a chicken roast at whatever time it’s ready. Anyone is welcome to visit but won’t be offended if it’s not everyone’s cup of tea/get a better offer’. In an ideal world visitors won’t stay more than a couple of hours/really don’t want people overnight.

Honestly the idea of preparing a buffet each evening instead of just grabbing food we want directly from the fridge makes me fill of dread. Not able to actually enjoy time with DH & DD because mum thinks we should watch a black and white movie again/we’re too busy hosting… or, being anxious that mum is going to drink too much and get emotional/argumentative. And that’s not even considering the lead up of trying to schedule visit to both sides to make sure neither side feels the other is getting more attention.

Or maybe, it’s three days out of the year. It’s meant to be stressful/chaotic/exhausting.

Go sit somewhere else. It's bloody July.

Doesn’t your DH get to see his family at all?

Blimey. Bugger that nonsense.

Get on your laptop and book a holiday somewhere far away.

Once I announced that Christmas was entirely optional and that I certainly wasn't doing it every year my winters vastly improved. For forward planning purposes I've told people I may be participating in 2026.

Of course YANBU. Just do what you want. Stop worrying (it's July!) and stick to your guns. You could always go on holiday.

Make the decision now, then everyone can plan what they want without you.

Stand your ground. Make sure your mother knows now so she can make other plans. You, your DH and DD shouldn’t have to suffer these idiots.

It sounds like ‘what it’s all about’ is your mum having very rigid ideas about how to enjoy Christmas.

Perfect timing, imo. Tell her now then she’s got time to get used to it.

Also, I suspect you’re going to get lots of outraged comments about it only being July, so If you need to post on the Christmas board, you’ll find lots of people in the same position.

thank goodness this year i am working christmas day, boxing day and new years!

But if your mum comes to yours - which she will, because her other child isn't available - she will be there allllll day. You've basically extended an open invitation for the whole day. And, once there she'll be commenting on and making remarks about every little thing you do and don't do.

I just despair of these mums/MILs (in my case it's a MIL who asked us IN FUCKING APRIL what we're doing for Christmas - we lied and told her we're going away, in the hope she'd book a trip for herself. She has.) NOBODY, including them, can cope with tens of people of various ages/food preferences/ living arrangements/ frailties etc all on top of each other for hours or days on end. Why do they do this every single year???

I'll be in Cadiz and Estepona for three weeks, before, during and after Christmas and New Year. Just like last year. Bliss on wheels.

Facetiming the clan gathering in someone's house or other, watching it from the roof terrace in a blue sun filled (though not roasting) sky is something else.

Yep I'm lucky. But I was given the lecture, the pleading, the guilt trip the lot. I still escaped and the world didn't end. I hope never to spend a Christmas period in Blighty again. The end.

I think you should prioritise your daughter, have the same traditions every year and give her precious memories.

What about meeting up with family for lunch on the 24th or 26th and have the day to yourselves at home?

All the pressure to have a perfect Christmas is nonsense, there should be time to chill and relax. Picking from the fridge and enjoying the moment is what it's all about to me. We do have a family lunch on Christmas day but I'm usually home and in my pjs by 7.

Trudging through the shops, preparing lots of different food and worrying about hostess trolleys and crystal in the darkest days of the year? On your bike!

Stand your ground

Christmas Eve and Boxing Day for visiting

Christmas Day just your immediate family

If you set it in stone now, you don't need to worry in 5 months

All the pressure to have a perfect Christmas is nonsense

I don’t think there’s enough emphasis on making Christmas perfect. I think people would be a lot more enthusiastic about it if they identified exactly what would make it perfect for them and did exactly that, whether it’s sitting in the sun with a cocktail, having Indian takeaway and switching their phones off or squeezing 15 relatives around a table made for six. I bloody love Christmas and it makes me so sad seeing people dreading it because of unrealistic expectations being placed on them (obviously I’m not talking about people who struggle with it for other reasons). I think OP is going to really enjoy herself this year.

I go to Morocco most Christmas holidays to avoid this shit.

Christmas is a great time to suddenly get Covid 😜

What's your aibu?

It was a fine message but I think you’ll find she comes to stay, brings her organised fun with her and trashes another Christmas for you. Does DH have a family?

So you’ve basically issued an open invitation? How are you going to shut her down when she starts on stuff you don’t want to do? Watch a b/w film? A game? Stockings?

Merry Christmas is an oxymoron.
It is the time of year when people spend more than they can possibly afford , on things that nobody could possibly want, for people that they possibly don’t even like.
Come January when the credit card bill drops through the door it’s head in hands time.
They will do it all over again the next year.
It’s like men, we stupidly believe that the next one will be better.
😉😁😁

I get you, and I hate Christmas. That said, we always alternated spending it with my parents and the in-laws, mainly to ensure nobody was left on their own. Often it wasn’t our idea of relaxing or fun but we chose to do it so that they wouldn’t be alone and because we k ew that one day they would no longer be here. We now only have one of the four parents left and we are glad we did it. Plus, now we get every other Christmas to go away so our time has come.

We don’t care if we come across as rude to our families, dh and I are fed up of having a ‘forced fun’ traditional Christmas.
We are happy to see people on chrismas eve (or ideally the run up to Christmas) but Christmas Day and Boxing Day is just solely for our small family at home doing it how we want to do it. No visitors, no stressing, not cooking formal food that we don’t to cook. Relaxed and casual, focusing on dc opening and playing with their presents - no set timetable just doing what we fancy. We usually have a lamb roast dinner (or chicken) but no starter. Too much cheese and chocolate, we don’t really drink so that’s not a focus.
I love the way we do Christmas, so OP put your foot down now and by next year (if you want a Christmas on your own again) it won’t be such a surprise to your extended family and will just become the new normal.

God this is familiar. I could have written it. Create boundaries but give a little too. We say Christmas Eve and Christmas morning is just DH me and the kids. No one else until lunch. It's still stressful when they come but those times are ours for our memories and our traditions. We do what we want without worrying about anyone else.

Some of you sound awfully grumpy. Surely its about compromising so you dont exhaust yourself and others have a decent time.

hope that in about 30 years your daughter doesnt leave you by yourself at christmas because she cant be bothered to cook for you

No need for harsh comments.
I get you, OP.
Better to cut contact a bit.
I was brought up in a Communist country, both parents emotionally abusive. 45 yo now, I cut contact with the surviving parent and haven't had a duty visit in five years.
Actually, I'd go a very long way to preserve my autonomy, and you should think about that as well.
This sort of Christmas would fucking kill me.
Sorry.
(Just husband and I here).
Go low contact and if necessary, make stuff up.
It's your bloody life.

You are working all throughout Christmas and your boss is giving you time + half. You’re very sorry you can’t accommodate people this year - better to let them know now in advance as you want to be sure they have time to make other arrangements

Some of you sound awfully grumpy. Surely its about compromising so you dont exhaust yourself and others have a decent time.

You can't compromise on your own. The other party also has to compromise and it doesn't sound like the DM is up for that at all. She will only consider Christmas done her way. No changes or variation.