Bloody Christmas.

[Autumnflakes]

My mum decided last year that well alternative between my DB house (enjoys hosting!) and ours each year as we’ve got the biggest houses. She’s got very 1970’s views when it comes to hosting, she was absolutely disgusted when I put a jar of cranberry sauce on the table on a random Sunday, and since offered me Grandma’s hostess trolley and crystal for when I host. Last year when we stayed at DB house for Xmas she almost seemed excited that our airbed was flat as ‘that’s what Xmas is all about’.

DH is extremely laid back, and usually half glass full, but after leaving DB house he said ‘never again’. He grew up in a similar family, all about forced fun, the atmosphere feels like a pressure cooker as an argument could happen at any moment, cannot spend a second away from the main group. DB house was exhausting, up at the crack of dawn, dogs begging at the table, every second scheduled for ‘fun’, snide remarks, eating prawn cocktails to be polite, sleeping on the floor, barely got to spend any time together (DH got sent to the pub with the ‘boys’ when he was more than happy watching a film with us), DH said he didn’t get a proper hold of DD the whole time etc. I suggested secret Santa which was completely poo pooed as ‘stocking fillers is what it’s all about’ (we’re both minimalists, hate tat and cost a fortune!)

Other sibling is spending Xmas with their other side of the family this year and we’ve been asked what our plans are.

I answered with ‘we’ll be staying at home this year, anyone is welcome to visit us but we’re not doing a traditional Xmas. We don’t like turkey, and I don’t want to be stressing all morning about dinner so it will probably be a chicken roast at whatever time it’s ready. Anyone is welcome to visit but won’t be offended if it’s not everyone’s cup of tea/get a better offer’. In an ideal world visitors won’t stay more than a couple of hours/really don’t want people overnight.

Honestly the idea of preparing a buffet each evening instead of just grabbing food we want directly from the fridge makes me fill of dread. Not able to actually enjoy time with DH & DD because mum thinks we should watch a black and white movie again/we’re too busy hosting… or, being anxious that mum is going to drink too much and get emotional/argumentative. And that’s not even considering the lead up of trying to schedule visit to both sides to make sure neither side feels the other is getting more attention.

Or maybe, it’s three days out of the year. It’s meant to be stressful/chaotic/exhausting.

Just book a holiday for Xmas or stop saying they can drop in!! "We're having Xmas at home by ourselves this year" then stick to it.

It will come to an end one day, everything does. My mum used to start badgering me very early in the year about Christmas, firstly unsubtly checking if they were invited to ours, then making me decide what me and my partner wanted for Christmas and then I had to shop for it online, and generally I’d wrap it as well 😂, we would have everyone at ours, parents and in-laws for 10 days when we lived elsewhere, I’m shy, it was hell sometimes, but it’s what you do, mums dead now, and the health of the rest of them is drastically changing, it will be over one day, so either suck it up with firm boundaries, ignore the forced fun and nap or watch tv instead as an example or tell the absolute truth, you might be surprised at the results, most hate Christmas traditions but we are brainwashed.

what I’m getting at is none of this is forever, I say no to things I don’t want to do these days, but if I really have to attend something I’d rather not (I’m talking lunch with family, not a communist rally, so not a hardship) I just think that at some point that event will be over, done and dusted. Even if we don’t want to, when we are part of a family, we do have to interact at least some of the time, especially Christmas, it’s just how it is.

One thing I’ve done for Christmas is to say no presents for adults, aside from parents that is, so no sister or brother in laws, adult siblings. The relief on everyone’s faces was hilarious. We are childless, so technically we come out worse, but we love our nieces and nephews anyway, so buying for them is fine, it’s just an example of how you can make it at least less stressful. Just be clear how you want Christmas to look.

Christmas for us is changing now, in a way I miss how it was when my mum made everything just that bit more complicated and also when I could still drink alcohol (don’t ask), but I enjoy the changes and smile at the past stresses in a way, they weren’t that bad, and as I said, they are over now.

We stopped doing xmas with anyone other than ourselves, and possibly the neighbours or a couple of good friends. We don't travel, we just retreat into own little cosy winter break from things.

I thought my mum would be upset. But she admitted that she wished she'd had the courage/sense to do the same when she was our age. The stress of either hosting or travelling doesn't make for a relaxing holiday.

When they say xmas is for family, that's the family you can reach out and touch on the sofa on any given evening.

Set the expectations early, and stand your ground.

Times have changed, we've changed the way we work, how we communicate and soon enough, we will slowly change the way we spend our festive break.

My brother and his wife stopped coming to our family christmasses a long time ago. And last year DHs brother and his DW announced they would not be spending Christmas with MIL.

I've said to DH as soon as children are old enough to understand the magic of Father Christmas, we will follow suit and not visit either family Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.

MIL house is terribly formal - you could arrive Christmas Eve and stay until after Boxing Day and the tv would not go on once, you wouldn't see a single person in PJs and no one owns a dressing gown. The only games they play are educational ones, like scrabble or trivial pursuit.

It's no environment for children and I can't stand it. My own family house is dysfunctional and in fact no one really celebrates Christmas because of the sheer laziness, it only goes ahead if someone buys and cooks the food, tidies up and buys and wraps presents - neither of my parents bother. It's out for lunch and no presents.

I'd love to go abroad one Christmas far away from them all.

My mum decided last year that well alternative between my DB house (enjoys hosting!) and ours each year as we’ve got the biggest houses

Casually mention around the August bank holiday that you have decided to go away for Christmas (or whatever alternative plan)

What is the worst that could happen?

Sounds like you just described a normal weekend day which loses any fun at all. Surely there’s a compromise?

Christmas for me is about spending time with wider family and delicious food rather than big standard food shut away from the world. But that’s me. Do what you want but if you don’t consider other’s feelings, don’t be surprised you’ve upset them.

When does your husband see his family?

It sounds rather dramatic on DM's side. The smart thing to do would be stay quiet and then "unfortunately we have all come down with flu what a shame"

No it's not. It's meant to be a fun cosy time with people you love. The day you describe at your brothers sounds like hell .
You do what you want. You are adults setting your own traditions.

"Anyone can come, more than welcome, but we will be doing things our way in our house."

So decide what you and DH and DD want to watch/play/eat/walk or swim you want to do/any religious events you do or don't want to attend/time you want to open presents etc. Visitors fit in with that.

We've done similar in the past as you did last year. This year, DH and I had a thought, and were surprised DD was on board (as she hasn't been a fan of me for a few years but absence makes the heart..and something different) so we will be having Christmas as a trio in Europe. (They will come from our home and her Uni city respectively to my pad for temporary 3 year posting abroad).

It's not worth the hassle for your nuclear family as you are also entitled to enjoy the holiday from work/school and your own festivities.

Until my fil died we had just myself husband and dc for Christmas, I loved it we just did our own thing had our own traditions , family would pop in if they wanted zero pressure. We've had my mil for the last decade she is not demanding in any way comes has dinner nice chat maybe watch TV for a while , I do feel sad I can't hang around in my pyjamas all day . Do your own thing , tell her you want to start your own tradition with your own family

I'm not sure the offer of some crystal and a hostess trolley is enough to trigger this agonising resentment in July.

Decide what you want to do and do it.

That wouldn't be 'smart', it would be passive aggressive and rude.

Set your boundaries well in advance so the others can make their own plans. No need to fuck everyone's Christmas up just because you can't bear to say what you really want to do!

I’m not sure why you invited them tbh.

Do you never see ILS?

Luckily it’s still July, so you have time to change your mind and say you are just having Christmas at home with no visitors on Christmas Day. Yes, they will be put out, but so what? Why do their wants trump yours?

Or take the alternative option and tell them you’re going to spend Christmas abroad every year from now on.

Book a holiday for Christmas week, and get away from all this absolute nonsense!

Been with DH for 15 years, 2 DC, and we've never been to either set of parents for Christmas, nor have we had them over at that time. We all get on perfectly well though. Are we weird?

Why the hell are you even thinking about this now? It’s half a year away.

Bigger issues than Christmas, I would imagine.

We go away every Christmas now. We used to spend it with ILs but back in 2019, DBIL was very abusive and rude the whole day with MIL ignoring it and pretending it wasn't said etc so we said we weren't doing Christmas with them again... and we haven't. We either go away or we just spend it at home but we don't tell anybody our plans. We don't ring, msg or anything on xmas day. I send out a generic message on Xmas eve to everybody and don't communicate until the 27th. I don't care if it's rude, we do us and it works better.

I stopped spending Christmas with my family 3 years ago, after a painful Christmas Day when my siblings and their spouses were unbearably rude to my DP.

We stay home now and see my parents before or after Christmas for a lunch or dinner out. We have lots of animals so it’s a relief not to have to organise cover for them all and we have a blissful few days relaxing at home, eating lovely food, watching Christmas telly, and taking our time with the animal chores instead of rushing about at 6 am in the dark before work.

I do like the idea of big family christmasses and in truth was a little sad at first when I gave up on them. But that has passed now and I think we are all happier as a result.

You can hopefully make sure you have a nice time without upsetting people, but some people like to be upset/ offended, in which case to hell with them!

Unfortunately the idea of large family gatherings filled with laughter and love are often so far from reality. Quality over quantity 💖

I'd re-think the open invitation if I were you but otherwise sounds like time to do Christmas the way you want to.

Best Christmas we ever had was on the beach in Sarasota. I even forgot it was Christmas until another beach goer said Merry Christmas. It was filled with families. Later on we had a bbq, it was unseasonably warm, even for Florida. The last two Christmas's we've been guilt tripped into going to my parents, having to pack up three children, a large dog, a mulitude of presents and gluten free food then sort of camp out at my parents with my siblings and my brothers other half who is scared of dogs is not fun. They want us there because we have the only children in the family, even though the youngest is now ten.

hope that in about 30 years your daughter doesn't leave you by yourself at christmas because she cant be bothered to cook for you

Sounds just like something a toxic mother would say. Is emotional blackmail you're go to? If my soon to be grown up DC choose to spend Christmas with partners/elsewhere that will suit me just fine, not a huge Christmas fan and couldn't care less if I spend it alone.

To those asking why we did an open invite, well I guess we didn’t have the balls to say ‘from Xmas eve until Boxing Day we’d rather not see any of you lot’.

There’s a lot of expectation from DH side to travel here there everywhere to ensure it’s all ‘fair’ regardless to what we want/enjoy. MIL caused a huge fuss that she thought it was reasonable for us to leave our house at 6am, to get to hers for 8am to open presents, to leave at 10:30 to get over to my brother’s house for 12:30, ready for lunch at 1. Then to drive over first thing Boxing Day to spend the whole day there and to stop over there that night as that would only be ‘fair’. Or for just DH to stay over Xmas eve and for me and DD to drive over Xmas morning (as logistically due to work it was impossible for me to get over on Xmas eve) - DH request of us all wanting to wake up together on Xmas was unreasonable and caused a huge fight.

Apparently it’s only fair that we’re over there this Xmas for the whole of the festive period.

That’s why we’re ‘staying home, doing our own thing, zero red carpet for anybody (apart from us three), if anyone needs to see us, you know where we are’.

I would have liked to say ‘and we’re locking the door for 72 hours, we won’t be able to hear if you knock/pray that the idea of chicken is too offensive and you all decide to stay away’.

Gosh, we don’t hate them, we just don’t like spending time with them.