Bloody Christmas.

[Autumnflakes]

My mum decided last year that well alternative between my DB house (enjoys hosting!) and ours each year as we’ve got the biggest houses. She’s got very 1970’s views when it comes to hosting, she was absolutely disgusted when I put a jar of cranberry sauce on the table on a random Sunday, and since offered me Grandma’s hostess trolley and crystal for when I host. Last year when we stayed at DB house for Xmas she almost seemed excited that our airbed was flat as ‘that’s what Xmas is all about’.

DH is extremely laid back, and usually half glass full, but after leaving DB house he said ‘never again’. He grew up in a similar family, all about forced fun, the atmosphere feels like a pressure cooker as an argument could happen at any moment, cannot spend a second away from the main group. DB house was exhausting, up at the crack of dawn, dogs begging at the table, every second scheduled for ‘fun’, snide remarks, eating prawn cocktails to be polite, sleeping on the floor, barely got to spend any time together (DH got sent to the pub with the ‘boys’ when he was more than happy watching a film with us), DH said he didn’t get a proper hold of DD the whole time etc. I suggested secret Santa which was completely poo pooed as ‘stocking fillers is what it’s all about’ (we’re both minimalists, hate tat and cost a fortune!)

Other sibling is spending Xmas with their other side of the family this year and we’ve been asked what our plans are.

I answered with ‘we’ll be staying at home this year, anyone is welcome to visit us but we’re not doing a traditional Xmas. We don’t like turkey, and I don’t want to be stressing all morning about dinner so it will probably be a chicken roast at whatever time it’s ready. Anyone is welcome to visit but won’t be offended if it’s not everyone’s cup of tea/get a better offer’. In an ideal world visitors won’t stay more than a couple of hours/really don’t want people overnight.

Honestly the idea of preparing a buffet each evening instead of just grabbing food we want directly from the fridge makes me fill of dread. Not able to actually enjoy time with DH & DD because mum thinks we should watch a black and white movie again/we’re too busy hosting… or, being anxious that mum is going to drink too much and get emotional/argumentative. And that’s not even considering the lead up of trying to schedule visit to both sides to make sure neither side feels the other is getting more attention.

Or maybe, it’s three days out of the year. It’s meant to be stressful/chaotic/exhausting.

I so totally agree with this.

Your MIL is very unreasonable and that sounds like a military exercise! No way would I agree to all that nonsense.

I feel we should go the whole Karl Marx and abolish the family unit altogether and we can all be free

It's way too early to start talking about Xmas
Live in the present fgs

YANBU to want to do Christmas in whatever way works best for your family. Mine and DH's are all dead so we get to do what we want and I love Christmas as much now as I did my very traditional childhood Christmases. One of the best was the year in Australia which was obviously very untraditional!

However, what's your relationship like with your mum generally? As this comes down to how much you're prepared to upset her and how likely she is (or how it will take her) to get over that.

I don't know how old you are or where you grew up but Christmas used to be a lot more traditional in some places and some people really struggle to get past that. If your mum is the kind of older person who is naturally conservative (small c) in personality I'd have some patience with her even if you stand your ground. Unless you tell me there's all sorts of other issues going on she's not doing it to make your life difficult but because it's what she thinks makes a good Christmas.

Love Christmas. My mother taught me to have the attitude that All are welcome even if we're balancing plates on knees.
Look forward to organising all the food and the pressies.. don't mind who hosts.. take it in turns.
But I love all my extended family.
We do the same stipd games every year. OMG ...am I that dreaded MIL?

I answered with ‘we’ll be staying at home this year, anyone is welcome to visit us but we’re not doing a traditional Xmas. We don’t like turkey, and I don’t want to be stressing all morning about dinner so it will probably be a chicken roast at whatever time it’s ready. Anyone is welcome to visit but won’t be offended if it’s not everyone’s cup of tea/get a better offer’. In an ideal world visitors won’t stay more than a couple of hours/really don’t want people overnight.

I don't think you could put this any better. All I would add is, 'We cannot have anyone over night because....'
Then sit back and have Christmas your way with your DH and DD (Is she young enough for the magic?)
I say this as a dedicated Christmas- er, planning now, and will have family here.
Christmas should be what you and DH want, not something you dread.
Do it your way, and Happy Christmas!

Caroparo52 · Today 14:14
Love Christmas. My mother taught me to have the attitude that All are welcome even if we're balancing plates on knees.
Look forward to organising all the food and the pressies.. don't mind who hosts.. take it in turns.
But I love all my extended family.
We do the same stipd games every year. OMG ...am I that dreaded MIL?

Come over to the Christmas thread! I am not sure if it soothes me or over excites me.

SnowFrogJelly · Today 14:06
It's way too early to start talking about Xmas
Live in the present fgs

Anyone who wants to discuss Christmas will be very welcome on the Christmas thread. It is never too early for us

I wonder if those who say it is too early to talk about Christmas don’t have families who make a Very Big Deal about Christmas. The sort where any difference between the one now and the one they had when the adults were children - no matter how small - is met with horror. Recreating someone else’s Christmas, particularly if it was one you haven’t experienced, is hard work.

That all sounds utterly exhausting and grim, and as for asking you to commit to Christmas plans in flipping July???

I'll tell you what we did OP and I suggest you do the same. It sounds like you have one small DC currently. GPs all want to see said GC, but actually this is the ideal time for you to say 'DH and I want to make our own traditions with DD and that means waking up in her own bed on Christmas Day and spending the day together'. Then decide what you're prepared to offer your family and offer that. For e.g. them coming over for tea and Christmas cake in the afternoon, but don't make it an open invitation, say 'We'd love it if you POPPED IN for tea and cake at 3pm' or whatever. Christmas is like weddings, lots of older people have very fixed ideas about exactly how they should be done (i.e. their way or the highway). That first time you push back is hard, IME, but like most things it gets easier the more times you do it. Our kids are teens now and our DPs don't even ask us what we're doing at Christmas any more!

I’ve reread the OP’s posts. In this case, what would be their reaction if you said how much you hated Christmas? That you feel constantly on edge as every moment is filled and there are snide comments. Be matter of fact about it. Unless you are the Royal family, you don’t have to spend Christmas exactly the way that others have decided.

I hear you.

In years gone by my dm used to suggest dictate what we were all doing for Christmas, when I'd have happily spent the day dog walking and having a stress free picky tea. I've always gone along with it for an easy life cos it's only one day.

Since she died my dd has taken on the Christmas ogre elf mantle, and starts planning in August who's going where and eating what. Honestly, I'd love to say "I've booked a flight to Timbuktu".

I love my immediate family, and I'd be happy to spend Christmas with them but some of the others that have to be included are bloody annoying when drunk.

I know you have announced your plans now, but could you possibly just go away to a rented cottage somewhere or Morocco? I guess insanely expensive though...

😂😂😂😂

Sometimes this arrangement seems like a brilliant plan.

My parents have been divorced for over 30 years and cannot possibly be in the same place. But both think that they should come to my house on Christmas day and are hurt and upset not to be invited.

My Dad can drive so could just come for the day but Mum has given up now; so using the train means she has to be here for at least 2 nights. And she's very extroverted, drinks a lot and needs entertaining. She also has luxurious, expensive tastes.

My only sibling has fallen out with me and one parent which just complicates everything.

Christmas can just sod off frankly. Last year my DH and I went out for Christmas dinner and then spent the rest of the day at home doing very little. Bliss.

I decided a few years back that Christmas is just a bit shit. We do the alternating in laws and parents which is ok in principle but means there’s always compromise. I’d like to do bugger all for it, but that’d really upset whichever grandparent was due to be with us.

So it’s other peoples day really. Best thing that helps is booking the pub for lunch,

Oh i love these family Christmas dramas!

youre and adult. Which means you are big enough to make a decision and say no.

just have YOUR Christmas. No one elses. Be clear and say you don’t want to see anyone!

We’re just having steak and chips this year. Can’t be bothered with a big roast 😂

We opted out of the extended family Christmas 3 years ago and it’s been glorious. For 9 years out of the previous 12 we’d hosted and always run the day according to the in-laws plans (we live the other side of the world to my parents).

Then one year after a HUGE bust up with BIL we said no more. It’s been amazing, we run the day how we want, eat the food we want etc. BIL has hosted his parents once but the other two years they’ve spent the day just the two of them.

I know it’s only one day but I refuse to be miserable on one of my favourite days of the year.

You can have an invitation for people to drop in without having a buffet. Most people have more than enough food at home over the Christmas period. Just offer them a tea/coffee and biscuits or whatever you'd normally offer a visitor (unless you have an excess of festive snacks you would welcome the chance to use up).

Thank you to the OP who said that merry Christmas was an oxymoron.
I am pinching that!

I'm with you OP. I'm happy to do a roast, and provide the makings of a decent Christmas breakfast but beyond that, people need to fend for themselves. Popping in for lunch and sharing a few presents is fine but b&w films, hostess trolleys and organised games! No thanks.

I introduced a new tradition = that we cycle to the pub on xmas lunchtime (about 2 miles) and then back for lunch. Very popular with children with new bikes. Anyone not wishing to cycle keeps an eye on the food. It works perfectly. DM and one SIL would rather poke sticks in their eyes than go out in the cold, so they stay behind and the rest of us go and work up an appetite. 🙂

Then I usually work on Boxing day so I need to go to bed early....

Just because people are going to die one day, there's no need to fall in with their shit arrangements and ideas of fun if it's not something you want to do.

Sorry, can't help but smile. This sounds like a regular Christmas up and down the land. Turkey in the oven for 12 hours, Uncle Fred getting pissed and regaling everyone with "jokes". MIL inexplicably crying in a corner, black and white movies on a loop and then the host (usually me in previous years) trying to put together a buffet that doesn't resemble a car crash at 8 o'clock at night when I've been necking wine in the kitchen all day. Oh yes, and DH seriously contemplating emigrating to Outer Mongolia based soley on the horrors of the "festive season".