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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH signing up to flu camp

106 replies

Plantdaisy · 18/07/2024 16:46

DH has signed up for flu camp without even talking to me about it. I found out because they called his phone earlier.

I know the screening is intense so tbh I doubt he will be accepted but I feel really upset with him and I don't know if I am being unreasonable.

For context, he is a high earner so we do not need the money
I am disabled and chronically ill after the pandemic and so our children are very dependent on him being able to pick up the slack if I am unwell. We are also dependent on him being able to work. I would not be able to make the payments for anything if he became long term sick himself. To me this is not a time we can be deliberately risking his health. Even the inconvenience of it all aside I am worried something bad would happen to him because I love him.

With my disability and ill health I will struggle being left to it while he would go away for 2 weeks faffing around doing a medical trial.
He is asthmatic with bad lungs (which is why I don't think he'll be accepted anyway I guess)

He has a habit of being very dismissive about his health, not following doctors advice (or even going to the Dr at times, taking his foot out of a cast and walking around here there and everywhere on a broken ankle risking causing more damage as an example) . He also often puts money and earning more money over everything else which does have a negative impact on and has strained our relationship at times even though he refuses to see that it does because of his terrible work life balance and because he has made decisions that have negatively impacted me that I have asked him not to make but he has becuase of the money so I am worried I am being unreasonable on the basis of historical resentments about these two issues.

In my opinion, flu camp is serious, and this is a rediculous time to take a risk deliberately injecting yourself with something that can make you long term sick.we have children. It's his body but this could significantly impact my life and most importantly the children's lives if it goes wrong and he developed post viral fatigue etc. Real flu is very serious. I feel like he has selfishly sent off an application without even talking to me about it because he is putting the money first. I think he is being silly to not consider flu that serious and is being arrogant when he says nothing bad would happen.

In his opinion I am being controlling having an objection to it. It's not up to me. That it's just flu and he'd just be sat in hospital working like he is now but getting paid an extra 4k. That nothing bad would happen. He thinks he could catch flu anytime so it's not a big deal.

I mentioned the 2006 study where people almost died and he scoffed.

He's now tense with me for trying to control what he does and I've had to walk away because I feel really angry (probably because of these built up resentments over health and attitude about money) that I am afraid that we will have a fight about it.

So am I unreasonable to be upset with him about this?

And if I am not unreasonable what do I do? Do I leave him to it assuming he won't get accepted anyway because otherwise we will have an argument and everyone will be upset?

OP posts:
quickoffthemark · 18/07/2024 16:48

this is impossibly fucking weird on so many levels

Plantdaisy · 18/07/2024 16:49

quickoffthemark · 18/07/2024 16:48

this is impossibly fucking weird on so many levels

Why weird sorry? 🙂

OP posts:
TimeForTeaAndG · 18/07/2024 16:53

What is a flu camp? Is it like a chicken pox party or is it a clinical trial overseen by medical professionals?

Either way he sounds selfish and I don't think I could put up with him.

mynameiscalypso · 18/07/2024 16:53

I can totally see where you're coming from and it's really shit that he's signed up without consulting you. For all the reasons you set out, it seems like a stupid idea.

But I do think it's important to acknowledge that it's really great people do sign up to this kind of thing to improve our understanding of diseases and treatment options.

BackOfAsda · 18/07/2024 16:55

Show him the elephant man trials

DappledThings · 18/07/2024 16:55

quickoffthemark · 18/07/2024 16:48

this is impossibly fucking weird on so many levels

Why is it weird? Clinic drug trials are a well established thing. People do volunteer for them.

Plantdaisy · 18/07/2024 16:55

TimeForTeaAndG · 18/07/2024 16:53

What is a flu camp? Is it like a chicken pox party or is it a clinical trial overseen by medical professionals?

Either way he sounds selfish and I don't think I could put up with him.

It's a medical trial thing where you go into a hospital setting for 2 weeks and they inject you with either flu or a placebo and depending on which trial you are on they test medications and stuff.

The screening process is pretty intense but if you get accepted they pay you about 4k.

Tbh of we didn't have children and I wasn't already chronically ill so our situation wasn't already a struggle at times id think whatever, be worried about him but leave him to it. It's the children and our circumstances that mean I've got upset.

OP posts:
MattDamon · 18/07/2024 16:55

Are you sure everything is okay with his job? Do you have full visibility over credit cards and banking apps? I'd be worried he was in serious debt or he'd lost his job if he is a 'high earner' and wanting to do this.

WindsurfingDreams · 18/07/2024 16:56

What is flu camp?

WindsurfingDreams · 18/07/2024 16:56

Plantdaisy · 18/07/2024 16:55

It's a medical trial thing where you go into a hospital setting for 2 weeks and they inject you with either flu or a placebo and depending on which trial you are on they test medications and stuff.

The screening process is pretty intense but if you get accepted they pay you about 4k.

Tbh of we didn't have children and I wasn't already chronically ill so our situation wasn't already a struggle at times id think whatever, be worried about him but leave him to it. It's the children and our circumstances that mean I've got upset.

Ah ok thanks.
Yes, absolutely out of order in these circumstances, is normally this oblivious?

Plantdaisy · 18/07/2024 16:57

mynameiscalypso · 18/07/2024 16:53

I can totally see where you're coming from and it's really shit that he's signed up without consulting you. For all the reasons you set out, it seems like a stupid idea.

But I do think it's important to acknowledge that it's really great people do sign up to this kind of thing to improve our understanding of diseases and treatment options.

It is great yes.

I just think that in our current family situation, with having children, and one parent already chronically ill (I have long Covid and so the risk of post viral fatigue feels quite fresh for me I guess) this is not the right time for one of us, especially the healthy parent to be volunteering for a trial like this.

If it wasn't for the kids I'd have just left him to it and wouldnt be upset even if I was worried about him 🙂

OP posts:
Plantdaisy · 18/07/2024 17:00

WindsurfingDreams · 18/07/2024 16:56

Ah ok thanks.
Yes, absolutely out of order in these circumstances, is normally this oblivious?

Yes him being oblivious to the impact of something and the risks involved in something is a personality trait of his which is why I was worried maybe my feelings about this were out of proportion.

OP posts:
AlisonDonut · 18/07/2024 17:00

I'd pay someone £4k not to have flu again. I have had it twice. It is horrendous.

Normalinnit · 18/07/2024 17:01

quickoffthemark · 18/07/2024 16:48

this is impossibly fucking weird on so many levels

I agree! It’s weird because he doesn’t need the money, is asthmatic and has a disabled wife with chronic ill health and children too. Absolutely ridiculous.

Plantdaisy · 18/07/2024 17:04

MattDamon · 18/07/2024 16:55

Are you sure everything is okay with his job? Do you have full visibility over credit cards and banking apps? I'd be worried he was in serious debt or he'd lost his job if he is a 'high earner' and wanting to do this.

I am confident everything is fine with his job. He's just got a decent pay rise. Obviously he could have debts I don't know about but we have financial transparency etc but also like he does just like making money, has big plans for things he wants to spend money on in terms of house improvements and he sees this as easy money.

I mean I might be wrong but I would be surprised if he's signed up to this due to worry about money and not because he just thinks it's easy cash.

OP posts:
TimeForTeaAndG · 18/07/2024 17:04

Thank you for clarifying. I still think he's being unbelievably selfish.

Plantdaisy · 18/07/2024 17:05

AlisonDonut · 18/07/2024 17:00

I'd pay someone £4k not to have flu again. I have had it twice. It is horrendous.

I don't think he really gets that real flu is serious and he doesn't get actual flu every year like he claims. I think he thinks hed have a bad cold and be sat in hospital working his regular job remotely 😕

OP posts:
Parkmybentley · 18/07/2024 17:08

This makes no sense. He can't be earning well if he wants to do this? Or he's gambling it away?

LiterallyOnFire · 18/07/2024 17:09

Is he feeling the financial strain of being one earner down and perhaps hiding it from you?

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 18/07/2024 17:09

Lots of people have flu with no symptoms.

DontBother123 · 18/07/2024 17:10

Unless he’s really thick he’s doing this to provoke you.

FranceIsWhereItsAt · 18/07/2024 17:14

I had flu a few years back which led to sepsis and double pneumonia. I came very close to death from it, so tell him to stop being such an absolutely selfish prick, and get a grip! Flu is SERIOUS! Not just a cold which so many men seem to think is flu. And as for the previous poster who said 'Lots of people have flu with no symptoms,' that was far from my experience!

Plantdaisy · 18/07/2024 17:22

LiterallyOnFire · 18/07/2024 17:09

Is he feeling the financial strain of being one earner down and perhaps hiding it from you?

I do think he finds being the main earner a strain ( I do contribute some but nothing in comparison)
I think that has fueled many of his decisions regarding his work and money including some that have not been great for us or the family. Everyone's burnt out with our situation both me and him - basically a combination of me being ill and him having a terrible work life balance and yet taking on more and more responsibility at work to earn more and more. Since the pandemic I feel like everyone's running on empty tanks.

But I just think surely if you are worried about being the main earner why would you take a risk like this with so little thought.

OP posts:
diddl · 18/07/2024 17:24

Is he gambling on being given the placebo so that he can continue working?

If he gets ill does he think he would be given a sick note?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/07/2024 17:27

Ridiculously irresponsible of him to even consider it.

And he’s says he’d be sat in hospital working - so he wouldn’t even book time off for it? He could surely lose his job if he then is too unwell to work?