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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH signing up to flu camp

106 replies

Plantdaisy · 18/07/2024 16:46

DH has signed up for flu camp without even talking to me about it. I found out because they called his phone earlier.

I know the screening is intense so tbh I doubt he will be accepted but I feel really upset with him and I don't know if I am being unreasonable.

For context, he is a high earner so we do not need the money
I am disabled and chronically ill after the pandemic and so our children are very dependent on him being able to pick up the slack if I am unwell. We are also dependent on him being able to work. I would not be able to make the payments for anything if he became long term sick himself. To me this is not a time we can be deliberately risking his health. Even the inconvenience of it all aside I am worried something bad would happen to him because I love him.

With my disability and ill health I will struggle being left to it while he would go away for 2 weeks faffing around doing a medical trial.
He is asthmatic with bad lungs (which is why I don't think he'll be accepted anyway I guess)

He has a habit of being very dismissive about his health, not following doctors advice (or even going to the Dr at times, taking his foot out of a cast and walking around here there and everywhere on a broken ankle risking causing more damage as an example) . He also often puts money and earning more money over everything else which does have a negative impact on and has strained our relationship at times even though he refuses to see that it does because of his terrible work life balance and because he has made decisions that have negatively impacted me that I have asked him not to make but he has becuase of the money so I am worried I am being unreasonable on the basis of historical resentments about these two issues.

In my opinion, flu camp is serious, and this is a rediculous time to take a risk deliberately injecting yourself with something that can make you long term sick.we have children. It's his body but this could significantly impact my life and most importantly the children's lives if it goes wrong and he developed post viral fatigue etc. Real flu is very serious. I feel like he has selfishly sent off an application without even talking to me about it because he is putting the money first. I think he is being silly to not consider flu that serious and is being arrogant when he says nothing bad would happen.

In his opinion I am being controlling having an objection to it. It's not up to me. That it's just flu and he'd just be sat in hospital working like he is now but getting paid an extra 4k. That nothing bad would happen. He thinks he could catch flu anytime so it's not a big deal.

I mentioned the 2006 study where people almost died and he scoffed.

He's now tense with me for trying to control what he does and I've had to walk away because I feel really angry (probably because of these built up resentments over health and attitude about money) that I am afraid that we will have a fight about it.

So am I unreasonable to be upset with him about this?

And if I am not unreasonable what do I do? Do I leave him to it assuming he won't get accepted anyway because otherwise we will have an argument and everyone will be upset?

OP posts:
Plantdaisy · 18/07/2024 17:27

diddl · 18/07/2024 17:24

Is he gambling on being given the placebo so that he can continue working?

If he gets ill does he think he would be given a sick note?

He seems to really believe that if he was of the people who were given the flu then he would still be well enough to be sat in hospital remote working. He apparently gets flu every year and is fine. I don't think he is considering at all the possibility that he could get very sick

OP posts:
Plantdaisy · 18/07/2024 17:29

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/07/2024 17:27

Ridiculously irresponsible of him to even consider it.

And he’s says he’d be sat in hospital working - so he wouldn’t even book time off for it? He could surely lose his job if he then is too unwell to work?

I assume he'd have to call in sick but I can't see his job, considering alot of people rely on him, will be best pleased about that.

Unless he'd be planning on taking 2 weeks holiday to do it... In which case what a complete waste of his holiday entitlement. But he's directly said about being sat working so i really think he expects to be able to work doing it.

OP posts:
diddl · 18/07/2024 17:36

Hopefully he'll be rejected due to his asthma.

He's not likely to lie about that is he?

Plantdaisy · 18/07/2024 17:41

diddl · 18/07/2024 17:36

Hopefully he'll be rejected due to his asthma.

He's not likely to lie about that is he?

I don't know whether he would keep his lung issues to himself. He is very sensitive to getting lung infections.

But I think that the screening process is very intense and so I assume they dont just rely on self reporting. .

He probably won't get accepted anyway, which is why I was wondering, do I just leave it, and hope he just doesn't get accepted instead of having an inevitable row about it?

OP posts:
Cookerhood · 18/07/2024 17:43

It's very noble that people do these trials, otherwise we would never have had things such as Covid jabs. However under these circumstances it seems silly.
I'm almost certain they will reject him due to his asthma, although it usually says so in the adverts.

Fink · 18/07/2024 17:44

I can see both sides. I can understand why you're concerned. But also, 4k is a substantial amount of money (I'll admit I'm on a very low wage and you say he's a high earner so the circumstances are different; 4k would be almost life changing for me) for a comparatively low risk: a 50% chance he'll get a placebo, and a good chance that if he's in the other 50% he won't get seriously ill.

I guess it comes down to each person's weighing up of risks vs benefits. He was unreasonable to not discuss it with you in advance, but I don't think the choice to want to take part is in itself unreasonable.

Normallynumb · 18/07/2024 17:44

I think he is being selfish and irresponsible
If he was single with no responsibilities then if he got flu, he deals with it, but in your circumstances it's not worth risking
He might think 4K is " easy money" but not if he's rendered too unwell to work!
Hopefully he will be rejected due to his Asthma but he's probably not thought about how you will manage
YANBU in the slightest.

MaggieFS · 18/07/2024 17:46

I don't think you need to over justify or over explain your position.

He has family responsibilities to his children, both in terms of ability to earn an income and in terms of helping them physically.

Willingly doing something unnecessary which could jeopardise his ability to meet those obligations is plain and simply selfish.

You are not being controlling to point that out.

Differentstarts · 18/07/2024 17:48

Flu camps are usually done by young people without responsibilities who need the money it's seems an off thing to do in your families situation

Cookerhood · 18/07/2024 17:51

Plantdaisy · 18/07/2024 17:41

I don't know whether he would keep his lung issues to himself. He is very sensitive to getting lung infections.

But I think that the screening process is very intense and so I assume they dont just rely on self reporting. .

He probably won't get accepted anyway, which is why I was wondering, do I just leave it, and hope he just doesn't get accepted instead of having an inevitable row about it?

They check with your GP before they sign him up.

Motomum23 · 18/07/2024 17:53

If it were me it would be a deal breaker in the marriage. He's taking his health and life for granted.

Cookerhood · 18/07/2024 17:53

I've just had a look & they do run trials for asthmatics (common cold ones I think). It's clear that he wouldn't be eligible for the regular trials.

candycane222 · 18/07/2024 17:55

If he gets flu he's likely to be unable to work for several days and pretty useless at home for a week at least after he finishes - assuming he isn't completely useless when he's well anyway.

He sounds as though he doesn't take any of his responsibilities seriously. My BiL can be a bit like this and I really feel for his wife, it would do my head in - but at least he listens to her and clearly cares about her (and himself, increasingly, now he's in his 50s at least.... ) Your husband on the other hand sounds like a dick I'm afraid.

Scottishdreams1991 · 18/07/2024 17:57

Do you think he might need a break? Perhaps he wants someone to look after him for a while?

LadyWhistled0wn · 18/07/2024 17:59

Maybe he's doing it for a break and wants someone to look after him for a change.

Plantdaisy · 18/07/2024 18:01

Scottishdreams1991 · 18/07/2024 17:57

Do you think he might need a break? Perhaps he wants someone to look after him for a while?

If he needs a break he could just tell me that and he could go stay in an air BnB or something for a week and get some down time. He doesn't need to risk his health to get a break 😅

OP posts:
Plantdaisy · 18/07/2024 18:02

LadyWhistled0wn · 18/07/2024 17:59

Maybe he's doing it for a break and wants someone to look after him for a change.

He could literally just say he feels like he needs a break and he could go stay in an air BnB for a weekend or even a week and he could get down time. He doesn't need to sign up to give himself the flu to get a break, he just needs to communicate that need so we can try and sort something out.

OP posts:
Anneta · 18/07/2024 18:05

He is not only putting his own health at risk but yours & your children too, if he comes home still carrying the flu virus.
As a fellow asthma sufferer, I can’t understand why he would risk taking part in this trial. These infections often go onto the lungs and a course of steroids are needed to recover.

AudiobookListener · 18/07/2024 18:06

DontBother123 · 18/07/2024 17:10

Unless he’s really thick he’s doing this to provoke you.

I agree with this. It's so obviously going to upset you, it looks like emotional abuse.

BobandRobertaSmith · 18/07/2024 18:07

Actually, they are specifically recruiting volunteers with asthma for some trials. The volunteers are given a “dilute” (their description) form of the viruses so may have no symptoms or mild symptoms. I believe the drugs have already been tested on humans for safety/side effects etc and the trials at flu camp are to see how effective they are.

EveryOtherNameTaken · 18/07/2024 18:09

It's fine. I know lots of people who have done it. I know a lecturer who wrote an academic book while in a trial. She had done them regularly for about 4 years.

The elephant man was a new drug. This is just a flu one, so is safe as it can be.

You have to be within the health guidelines to be accepted.

SeulementUneFois · 18/07/2024 18:12

Ok this is hopefully extremely extreme but I'm speaking as someone who understands at least some of the non rational rationales for suicidal ideation.

As well as the wanting a break, could this be, at the back of his head, a form of escapism? the what if? maybe? of it

It immediately came into my head as this is how I'd think..
Two children, chronically ill spouse, being the breadwinner with the (self enforced) pressures to make yourself more and more valuable in the job to reduce the risk of losing it...it all sounds hard, even miserable.
It would definitely cross my mind - the trial would give the possibility of completely escaping his life, and any misery, forever. Even if it's a tiny probability it would actually be the hidden hope that it might happen....

Plantdaisy · 18/07/2024 18:19

BobandRobertaSmith · 18/07/2024 18:07

Actually, they are specifically recruiting volunteers with asthma for some trials. The volunteers are given a “dilute” (their description) form of the viruses so may have no symptoms or mild symptoms. I believe the drugs have already been tested on humans for safety/side effects etc and the trials at flu camp are to see how effective they are.

So do you think that I probably don't need to be concerned if he does get accepted? 🙂

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 18/07/2024 18:24

It must be hard being the sole breadwinner but does your DH not understand you are chronically ill and his two weeks away would be a real strain for you. Your DH is quite wrong about getting flu every year surely, I know no one whose had the flu and said oh it was just a cold and the after effects can linger for several weeks. He's being weird Op, I can't understand his reasoning at all

Delphiniumandlupins · 18/07/2024 18:25

I don't think you should force an argument just now. Could you perhaps agree to a further discussion if he is actually offered a place on the trial - he might be digging his heels in because you have said it's a daft idea and may change his mind after more reflection? Is he the kind of person who finds it difficult to admit he was wrong?