DH signing up to flu camp

[Plantdaisy]

DH has signed up for flu camp without even talking to me about it. I found out because they called his phone earlier.

I know the screening is intense so tbh I doubt he will be accepted but I feel really upset with him and I don't know if I am being unreasonable.

For context, he is a high earner so we do not need the money
I am disabled and chronically ill after the pandemic and so our children are very dependent on him being able to pick up the slack if I am unwell. We are also dependent on him being able to work. I would not be able to make the payments for anything if he became long term sick himself. To me this is not a time we can be deliberately risking his health. Even the inconvenience of it all aside I am worried something bad would happen to him because I love him.

With my disability and ill health I will struggle being left to it while he would go away for 2 weeks faffing around doing a medical trial.
He is asthmatic with bad lungs (which is why I don't think he'll be accepted anyway I guess)

He has a habit of being very dismissive about his health, not following doctors advice (or even going to the Dr at times, taking his foot out of a cast and walking around here there and everywhere on a broken ankle risking causing more damage as an example) . He also often puts money and earning more money over everything else which does have a negative impact on and has strained our relationship at times even though he refuses to see that it does because of his terrible work life balance and because he has made decisions that have negatively impacted me that I have asked him not to make but he has becuase of the money so I am worried I am being unreasonable on the basis of historical resentments about these two issues.

In my opinion, flu camp is serious, and this is a rediculous time to take a risk deliberately injecting yourself with something that can make you long term sick.we have children. It's his body but this could significantly impact my life and most importantly the children's lives if it goes wrong and he developed post viral fatigue etc. Real flu is very serious. I feel like he has selfishly sent off an application without even talking to me about it because he is putting the money first. I think he is being silly to not consider flu that serious and is being arrogant when he says nothing bad would happen.

In his opinion I am being controlling having an objection to it. It's not up to me. That it's just flu and he'd just be sat in hospital working like he is now but getting paid an extra 4k. That nothing bad would happen. He thinks he could catch flu anytime so it's not a big deal.

I mentioned the 2006 study where people almost died and he scoffed.

He's now tense with me for trying to control what he does and I've had to walk away because I feel really angry (probably because of these built up resentments over health and attitude about money) that I am afraid that we will have a fight about it.

So am I unreasonable to be upset with him about this?

And if I am not unreasonable what do I do? Do I leave him to it assuming he won't get accepted anyway because otherwise we will have an argument and everyone will be upset?

Yanbu. Even without the health risks, I don't think in a healthy family dynamic one parent should volunteer for something that takes them away from the family for 2 weeks, meaning the other patent has to be on sole duty the entire time, without full agreement in advance from both parties. That's not a partnership

OP, do you also work?

How old are your kids? I don't think you've mentioned their ages. If they are toddlers then that's one thing but if they are 10 and 12 for example then that's another thing altogether.

If he makes an extra £4K then that's a lot of money. You could get some help. Get someone to walk the dog and buy in some decent ready meals.

I assume from this post that you do work part time or adhoc.

I think the main issue here isn’t him chancing his health on clinical trials, I think the level of dependency is the crux of the problem.

For you to be admittedly so reliant on him, and then essentially trying to control what he does with his own body is a lot of pressure.

He probably feels like he’s being resourceful and has found a nice easy win to inject some cash into the household in exchange for him feeling unwell for an amount of time, and is frustrated that you’ve shut it down.

If he’s asthmatic, chances are he won’t get very far with the screening, but I don’t think he’s unreasonable for trying.

Regardless of the trial, why does he get to check out of family life for 2 weeks? If he went on holiday abroad for 2 weeks and left you with the kids, that wouldn't be fair. So this isn't fair either. Even if he doesn't get ill and there are no health issues.

I know there is always a risk with things like this but it does seem very very small. I wouldn't be worried about it. Maybe he won't get through the screening anyway.

£4400 is a lot of money. I'm surprised more people don't do it.

You assume from my post that I don't what sorry? I am a bit confused by what you mean there.

We don't really need any cash injecting into the household though. He is a very high earner. With his high income and my small income from the bits and bobs I manage to do to bring in cash we have plenty of money as a family. Maybe I would see it differently if we were skint but we are not.

I think you are correct in saying the level of dependency is the crux of the problem. I probably wouldn't have been as upset if our circumstances were different.

Unfortunately I am not really sure what I am meant to do about being dependent. Unfortunately I had a serious reaction to getting covid during the pandemic and this was on top of a preexisting health condition and I have been left disabled. The sorry fact is that I can not care for my children and keep house without his significant help for very long. We live away from any family support, in a location it would be rediculous for anyone with my health issues to move to, but unfortunately I wasn't sick when we moved here and he doesn't want to move to where I have more support that isn't from him, or where things are more accessible to me because he likes the home he's invested in, which is fair enough I guess.

Well arnt you a delight.

Not sure why my post has turned into disability bashing tbh.

All 10 and under. One still in infant school. So not toddlers but not teens.

It's also not really the two weeks doing it that really causes me worry. It's the possibility of developing post viral fatigue or long term illness which whilst small is a risk from flu because then we would have some serious problems for the children's wellbeing if we were both chronically ill. Seems like an unnecessary risk to take.

A little. There have been periods of time where I have been too sick to work at all, and in periods of slightly better health I pick up shifts doing what I was doing before I got sick, but working quickly relapses my health so it's a constant yo-yo balancing act.

I did work full time before I got sick

Anyway he just came to me and told me that he has turned down the flu camp thing.

He said it was because I got funny about it, but then also when I said thanks I appreciate that, and tried to explain that it was just that I thought it was inappropriate timing to do something like that considering our circumstances, he just said it's ok you don't have to justify yourself. Which tbh is only the type of thing he'd say if he had reflected and could see my point.

So thanks for the replies, chatting about it helped me be less emotive about it and the different perspectives were helpful.

I'm not going to reply further now just because over the last page of replies the focus seems to have shifted to my illness and disability, with some unkind comments and one that tbh made me feel bad. I didn't ask to become sick during the pandemic, nor to develop life changing long term illness, and I exhaust myself trying to contribute as much as I can. I was working full time and was relatively healthy before the pandemic and what happened to me could have happened to anyone. I shouldn't really have to be justifying how sick I am to people.

So I think this thread has probably ran it's course now.

People can really struggle to understand chronic illness. I hope you have people you can chat to who do . It's brutal and compounded by people being unkind about it

Is he Ok? When I'm was at my most stressed/lowest point, I sometimes fantasised about a couple of weeks in hospital.

To be fair, people like OPs husband are the reason flu jabs exist. If it wasn't for these human trials many of the medicines we take for granted wouldn't be available.

Yeah that's what I thought that he was just too stressed and wanted an escape. It wasn't really anything to do with anything specific

What is op meant to do, wave a magic wand and not be ill any more?

@WindsurfingDreams The OP sounded very vulnerable in her earlier posts about not coping without her DH, not being able to manage etc. Hence I asked whether she had any other support. DH doesn't sound well himself, so having family or carer support isn't an odd question! I never said she could magic her illness away. I hoped she had additional support when her own illness flairs up!

I was a fit and healthy 29 year old when I got proper flu and I genuinely thought I would die.
9 years later and I can still remember the hallucinations and nearly pissing myself getting to the toilet on my own.
0/10 do not recommend

i suspect he sees this as a much needed break from what sounds like a very busy and somewhat stressful life

which suggests this man is feeling quite desperate

What's his reason for doing it ?
Does he just want a big break from things?

It does sound like you are both stressed for different reasons.

I did flu camp after graduating uni to pay off my overdraft. I felt very 'under the weather' - snotty nose/headche etc. They don't allow you to take any painkillers or medication and I think he's being unreasonable to presume that he will be able to continue working. There are several days when you are have tests every hour or so, including having to lie down flat for ECG mutiple times etc, I doubt he would be able to get work done on those days.

They have specific trials for people with ashtma - he may have applied for one of these. However, even if he passes screening, there is no guarantee he'll ever be selected for a trial and if he is selected, he won't have any choice over dates or length of trial.

I think he would be extremely unreasonable to leave you in the lurch for two weeks though, espeically given that you rely on him for childcare etc. To me it sounds as though he is treating it as a holiday - he gets to spend two weeks in bed with no demands or responsibilities whilst you struggle in hos absence. This should defintely have been a joint decision.

Yanbu it’s fecking stupid and irresponsible. What if he gets really ill or makes you or the kids really sick?!

This may be a contentious point of view but you don't seem to be considering how your health issues are affecting him. It's very difficult to always be the one that is stepping up and maybe this is as much about a break from you and the family responsibilities as it is anything else.