to want to pay off the mortgage instead?

[onnwt]

I was gifted 100k last year. Dd is due to start school in a year. My parents (who gifted the money) are ‘very sad’ I’ve decided to use the money to pay off half the remaining mortgage instead of towards school fees.

They said they assumed I would keep the money until she started secondary (and presumably add to it between now and then) or I would use 10k a year from the 100k and spend my own income on the rest of the fees per year if she was to start age 5. They’ve said I can do what I want with it but they ‘assumed I wanted dd to have the best opportunity in life.’

My outstanding mortgage is 208k. I would love to pay it off to under 100k as I would then realistically be mortgage free by 45 (I’m 32). I’m now second guessing myself as I do have a healthy income and could feasibly just pay the fees from income alone. I wanted to enjoy life though. For context state schools round here aren’t they best but aren’t the worst either. I’m now feeling like a shit mum and also even worse as DS’s dad has zero interest so this decision totally rests on me. WWYD?

do people not read, she’s already said she can afford the school fees if she wishes, she doesn’t wish.

It's bloody stupid of them to gift money for a purpose, without specifying the purpose at the time. Their approach comes accross as quite controlling.

That’s a very difficult one. State secondaries can be awful, even the ‘good ones’ (I’m thinking about ones near me). It may be and has a very difficult time there and if the private school is a lot nicer, it could make her life a lot better. Or if you never really considered private then that’s fine and you just live with the state secondary and have a better standard of living. How long until she starts? Have you looked at them all to check? Will there be longterm resentment with your choice?

From the OP it seems clear the money was given THEN the parents were ‘disappointed’ in OP’s choice. = classic controlling and not adult to adult.

if the op pays off her mortgage and saves for the school fees (or whatever- long way to go yet’) then everyone is happy. (Ish)

Sorry if this has been mentioned but what about an offset mortgage? So you have a savings account linked to the mortgage - whatever is in the savings account you don’t pay mortgage interest. So you could put the 100k in the savings part but only pay interest on the £108k. Then you have flexibility to use the 100k if you need/want to?

Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

in the uk, estate schools are very good. You only need a private education in very very specific circumstances.

Well, it’s not a gift then, it is? If they wanted to spend £100k on school fees then why on earth didn’t they just offer to pay the school fees? Can you not just tell them you’ve changed your mind and are going to spend it on school fees and then pay off the mortgage instead? Then you can decide what is best for your DD further down the line when the time comes to make those choices?

This is your life, not theirs. Pay your mortgage off. It’s what you want.

With your mortgage paid off, you could save enough yourself to pay the school fees if we are talking secondary. So much can happen during those years, you could move house, have major changes to your family’s needs etc. They don’t say ‘safe as houses’ for no reason.

It just gives you so much more freedom for the future.

If you wanted to, you could also use some of the money for the mortgage, say 60k, and invest the 40k, so that you have both options available.

Do you actually care about private school? Or is that what your parents want? Is it a good private school that’s actually worth the money?

Maybe speak to a financial advisor? You’re not in a big rush to go either way, are you?

She said they were hoping she’d add to it, to build up a strong fund for her daughter, but agree they made a mistake and should have just paid it or put it in trust to pay for it.

It doesn’t seem to make much difference. Either use their gift to pay for fees and over pay the mortgage from what you are saving on fees. Or use their gift to reduce the mortgage and pay fees from your salary.

It’s lovely to have the option of private school. I moved my struggling DD from state to private and the difference was staggering, and I’m so glad we had the funds to be able to do it. I was in the same situation as you with our local state options being average.

If you feel like it's come with strings attached or gives them an excuse to control you.

Give it back.

Urgh. This is one of those "tests" isn't it - where your parents assumed you would spend the money on something despite not telling you that and are now bitterly disappointed by your lack of mind reading ability (and your general failings as a person who didn't instantly jump to wanting to spend the money on private education).

In your position I would also spend the money on a mortgage. There are years before DC starts secondary school so you can reasses when she is 9 or so to work out what the schools are like in your area and what your financial position is. Then you can make a sensible decision. Although I have a strong suspiciion if you had spent the money on private education your parents would expect input on your choice of school and what to make sure their "investment" was worthwhile.

If your parents are like this in general, I would also suggest you refuse to take any more money from them. Maybe they put it into a savings fund for DD if they really want to give money.

Mortgage, every time.

Frees up money now AND in the future for both you AND your child. Offers you much more security against future financial disasters/life altering events.

I deeply regret sending my DD to private school. It has brought her some benefits, but has also not worked for her in some ways... and once in, you feel terrible taking her out... so you are committing to a massive outlay for 14 years.

And going in at 5, 100k won't even come close to covering her full fees... unless you are very rich yourself (clearly not, as you have a mortgage etc), then you are committing to working longer, in a higher paid job, without the option of scaling back when you get tired, and with later or less comfortable retirement in order to send your DC. It is also harder to find money for other things for DC - holidays, help buying a flat etc.

I could afford it fine at the time, but an unexpected divorce due to Husbands affair, plus fees more than doubling (that's before upcoming vat) plus the exhaustion of maintaining my job through Peri hell.... it's become a real sacrifice to keep her there.

Eh? If school fees are £15-20k then that would fund the vast majority, if not all, of 6 years in secondary.

Explain to them that money is fungible. What you save here, you free up to spend there. It is much better to reduce debt because then you are saving not just the principle, but the interest you'd otherwise pay if the principle remained higher. So, more bang for their buck.

If you're not for private schooling, which I totally understand and so should your parents, then your DD can benefit in other ways. You say you want to enjoy life - and so you should! I presume that your DD will benefit equally.

I'd pay down the mortgage. (Remember to check early redemption penalties first). Keep paying the same monthly amount and you'll make huge inroads towards clearing it

Private school isn't always better. My cousin teaches in a popular, highly regarded private school in his town. He is eligible for a very generous discount on fees but still doesn't think it's worth paying for his children to attend. He's happy for his children to attend their local state options

Being a single parent means security in your housing tops everything.
Paying off your morgage early helps with that enormously.
Explain your reality to your parents.
They mean we'll and are very generous, but having a secure home tops everything.
Remember to protect that property from any future partners judiciously.

If they handed it over without saying what it was for then they are ridiculous.

Assuming is not communicating.

I have given my children substantial sums of money and some has been for specific things (and discussed in advance) and some is just for them.

Frankly buying property in the catchment of a good state school is a better investment anyway.

I’d pay off mortgage.

Were you privately educated?

I read it more as she hadn't really thought about privately educating her DD until her parents raised it.

I would use a chunk to pay down the mortgage for the reasons others have said. Perhaps you could also invest a sizeable amount for a deposit for your child to buy a property in the future Private school is not necessarily going to guarantee a better financial future especially as many universities now favour state school pupils

Thank you for the posts I’ve not had chance to read them all yet, feel a bit overwhelmed tbh!

They have said it’s mine to do what I want with, but have also said what they expected. It’s just made me feel a bit shit. I have no idea how long I could be in this role, I have it good at the moment but everyone knows it could change. I had planned to make the overpayment in two stages the first this October.

Offset mortgage or saving some of what you save in mortgage payments seems like the best way to go - that way you still have your options open when she reaches secondary age. It may be worth sowing the seeds well in advance that you may not opt for private if you don't think it's the best option for her. My DD didn't want to go private, and has done fine in state schools. If she might not get the maximum student maintenance loan (or if it continues to fail to increase in line with inflation), it might be more useful to have some money left then.

Your parents need to recognise that if they want a gift to be used a specific purpose, they should say so.