To go into the office everyday?

[GiveMeAFriggingBreak]

My H is now off work for 2 months (teacher).

We have DC6 (who will go to summer clubs) and DC3 (no clubs available for their age).

People think I'm barmy for paying for clubs when I have an H at home all summer.

My DC3 and H are at home every day for the next 2 months. H does look after DC, but often PJs all day, he watches loads of telly, often is in garden by himself, they don't DO anything. Maybe H will do one load of washing and then say "I would take DC out but so much to do round house". H spends a lot of time on his phone on the sofa. DC is actually quite self-contained, loves building, colouring, but he's left to own devices or telly watching really.

I work in a shed in the garden but v close to house and can see all this from my window

I find it v frustrating and upsetting to watch sometimes. I've been dreading summer hoidays for weeks.

Is it unreasonable for me to start going to the office full time? I feel bad as I'm abandoning my 3 year old and i worry perhaps if will be even worse if i'm not here - i give him loads of cuddles and play with him on my breaks.

But also it's not working on me or H to have me here - H feels 'watched' and judged, I feel so frustrated that our 3 year old is going to spend nearly 2 months in PJs watching telly.

AIBU just to leave them to it? Or should I stay and help out - not for sake of H of course, but for my DC?

• I go to the office and leave them to it - and risk my kid being ignored for days/weeks at a time.

to me, this is damaging and you can do something about it. Can just picture the poor soul building and colouring with absolutely none to hug him/speak to him or kiss him, all day. This is heartbreaking.

stay home and stop the comments. he will soon be in school/nursery.

is this sarcasm?

God, how utterly shit of your DH. I'd expect a teacher to have higher standards for their own child rearing. That's crappy.

Never ever going to go for 50-50 OP. He can't be arsed. He's too lazy.

Maybe you should hide DH's phone?

Better still, DS3 accidentally breaks it when he isn't being supervised properly.....

Accidentally take his phone to the office with you

Where does 3 year old go when dh works. I'd send him there if dh isn't caring fir him as well. I can see both pov.

I'm no expert but there's no way he'd go for 50:50 because that sounds like effort. He wouldn't want all holidays because again, effort. Disney weekend dad at best.

I feel your predicament OP it's awful.

What does DH bring to your relationship for you? Doesn't sound like he pulls his weight generally either? Are there any redeeming features??

@Setyoufree honestly, not much. He's deluded or defensive or something. This morning the kids got up at 7am, and I'd just started my period so was in the bathroom and asked H to get up with them (he was lying in bed pretending not to hear them) and he said "I always get up with them"

Which is crazy. I don't think he's got up first with the kids for 2 months! And the last time it will be because I asked him to.

It's like he has no self awareness! I actually think he thinks he's pulling his weight

Last time I tried to talk to him about it all, he said he was "angry and hurt" at what I was saying and that I was talking "absolute shit".

Ahhhhh

It's a predicament though. It really is. As splitting may make everything worse for me and DC.

I was in my late 40s, working FT and a single parent when my dc was a toddler. Your DH has no excuse at only 42. He should be thoroughly ashamed of himself. It would kill any attraction to him if I was in your shoes. He is contributing very little to any of your lives.

It might be worth trying a mother's help for a short period. If only because he might suddenly start being more energetic to impress the mother's help...

I work in a school and can confirm I am currently exhausted. But I will be making every effort to do things with my own DC over the holidays, and I want to. Same with every Teacher Mum I know.

We could probably all do with a couple of weeks to chill, but so could every parent of small children regardless of what they do for work. That's not life though. He needs to get on with it.

I work with children and families and I have come across SO many Dad's who had absolutely no interest whatsoever in parenting their DC, until their wives left and then all of a sudden they were willing to fight tooth and nail for 50:50. Not because they desperately wanted to be with the kids, but because it was their 'right' and they didn't want to give their ex the satisfaction of 'winning'. Sad but happens all the time.

Without this lazy man child, it sounds like you will have less laundry, cooking, tidying and clearing up to do.

And stop having more DC with him.

@neverbeenskiing yes that's my fear. He's not honest or self aware enough. He will go for 5050 because that is his right and he loves his kids. That will be his thinking. Doesn't matter in reality he just gives them YouTube and ignores them

@ThePoetsWife of course!

How’s it going, OP? Made any headway?

Hello @ByUmberCrow - thanks for checking in.

I haven't really made any headway. H has made an effort a couple of times but is very passive and they keep staying indoors all day. DS holiday club starts in 2 minutes and they are all still in pyjamas.

In the mornings, he keeps doing this thing when when the kids come in at 7.30am (perfectly reasonable time) - he lies awake but with his eyes closed for about 20 minutes heavy breathing - it gives me such rage.

I have this knotty horrible feeling in my stomach the whole time. I was dreading the summer holiday and I was right to do so! I woke up many times last night with this sick feeling in my stomach, and it won't go away.

and this man is a teacher? He sounds absolutely useless

This makes me sad for you and for your children @GiveMeAFriggingBreak.

It doesn't sound like anything is going to change unless you make a change. Carrying on with that feeling constantly in the pit of your stomach is no way to live.

He really needs to shape up or ship out.
You and your children deserve better.

H has taken the kids to PIL place for a couple of days. I needed to work so have stayed at home. It is bloody glorious. I miss the kids but good god it's easier without H. If I knew the kids wouldn't suffer, I would love to split so much. I have to join them today and I don't want to go!

Oh @GiveMeAFriggingBreak i really feel for you. I am in a similar situation and it‘s that relief feeling mixed with guilt.

whenever I go away to my parents or friends with the kids, all H does is sadface about how much he misses us. But it doesn’t inspire him to behave differently when we are actually there. I said in the past he wants a team of live-in nannies so that he can “parent” when he wants to show effort, then hand over as soon as he wants to do his own thing or have another fucking nap.

Yanbu to go to the office if your other half is at home.

His parenting sounds absolutely fine though. There really is something to be said for low demand parenting and for letting children entertain themselves! Well done on having a 3 year old who is able to occupy themselves. They will go far!

@DisgruntledPelican yes! Same here!

If I take the kids away he is like "oh I hate it here without you" messaging me "how are the kids. I miss them". He's going on a lads holiday later this month and is saying "I'm not looking forward to it, I don't know why I'm going, I just want to be at home"

What??? When's he's at home he just naps and stares at the wall!!

I feel it's manipulative. It's also why I know he would want 5050.

I'm sorry you're going through this too. It's exhausting. I don't think it's good for me to live like this though. I just can't see a way out!