To go into the office everyday?

[GiveMeAFriggingBreak]

My H is now off work for 2 months (teacher).

We have DC6 (who will go to summer clubs) and DC3 (no clubs available for their age).

People think I'm barmy for paying for clubs when I have an H at home all summer.

My DC3 and H are at home every day for the next 2 months. H does look after DC, but often PJs all day, he watches loads of telly, often is in garden by himself, they don't DO anything. Maybe H will do one load of washing and then say "I would take DC out but so much to do round house". H spends a lot of time on his phone on the sofa. DC is actually quite self-contained, loves building, colouring, but he's left to own devices or telly watching really.

I work in a shed in the garden but v close to house and can see all this from my window

I find it v frustrating and upsetting to watch sometimes. I've been dreading summer hoidays for weeks.

Is it unreasonable for me to start going to the office full time? I feel bad as I'm abandoning my 3 year old and i worry perhaps if will be even worse if i'm not here - i give him loads of cuddles and play with him on my breaks.

But also it's not working on me or H to have me here - H feels 'watched' and judged, I feel so frustrated that our 3 year old is going to spend nearly 2 months in PJs watching telly.

AIBU just to leave them to it? Or should I stay and help out - not for sake of H of course, but for my DC?

This. I would class it as borderline abusive to just sit on your phone when there's a child there wanting to play

Go to the office and leave your H be an actual parent

Sorry I do think you are being U- you are basically employing the “out of sight out of mind” approach to the welfare of your kids! At least if you’re there if things really do go tits up you’ll be on hand if you’re at home. Would you not be worried about what’s going on at home even if you can’t see it?

I don’t think there’s necessarily anything wrong with spending the day at home either if the child and your DH are both happy- would you say this is the case or not? Again DC being in PJs over the summer holidays is not necessarily an issue if they change them before bed. I don’t like this sitting on the phone all the time but I am a bit guilty of it at home, but not when we’re out and about. I can’t really work out whether your DH is utterly useless or just has much more relaxed ideas on childcare.

Overall though is it not possible for you to work out a plan- maybe he does a few activities during the day and tries to sort his phone use out (could he put it in a drawer between 10 and 12) and you try to finish early and take them out somewhere?

Sorry just to say that I agree that sleeping when your 3 yr old is in his care is obviously not just relaxed parenting- I hadn’t read that bit. If that’s something he can’t sort out then I think he should be paying for a childminder every day for a couple of hours if he “needs” a nap. But again I don’t think you going into the office would help.

As others have said what does he say when you point out how dangerous it is? Next time he does it could you disappear off with your DC for a couple of hours so he gets a real fright?

he says about the sleeping that he is only napping and he has the DC on his chest on his phone so he would wake up if DC got off.

i feel frustrated about the nap as it's dangerous but also H is sleeping a solid 9 hours a night, we have 1 DC in camp, and the other DC is on a phone/watching telly. He does not need to be napping!

I have said this to him and he says i'm being a total nightmare.

@Heronwatcher - but how will H ever learn if I'm always at home checking in?

Maybe he'd only be ignoring them 50% of the time but you'd have 100% of the time without a useless lazy arse which seems like a win to me.

Has he always been a waste of space or has something changed?

@BarcardiWithGadaffia you are right about that. honestly - another 7 weeks of this is awful. i can feel the resentment building and it's day 4! always been a bit lazy. getting worse every year. i think i'm going to start going to the office.

Alternative viewpoint: we have spent weeks hearing from teachers here how exhausted they are and just about hanging on to the end of term.

Does your husband just need a week or two of down time to recover?

(Of course, if he is always like this...)

I have the summer holidays off and I’ve been planning all sorts of days out and researching cheap and hopefully fun things to do. My DH would be appalled if I just lounged around the house or put the kids in holiday clubs for the entire summer. It’s actually pretty shocking.

What would I do? Begrudgingly I would help him get himself organised with activities. Swimming, playgrounds, museums, soft play, farm etc etc. not something big everyday obviously but they should be getting out of the house most days.

Would I hide in the office so I have plausible deniability? No way! I’d be breathing down his neck everyday asking what his plans are 😆

And to add, the cost of holiday clubs here in London is now £35-£40 per day per child. Not sustainable for most people for 6 weeks! You need to enforce change now!

Why should the op do that. The dad should figure it out for himself.

I'd go to the office op.

*Alternative viewpoint: we have spent weeks hearing from teachers here how exhausted they are and just about hanging on to the end of term.

Does your husband just need a week or two of down time to recover?

(Of course, if he is always like this*

I am a teacher, so is my husband. I'm on mat leave though, he finished for the holidays last week. He would never parent our 3 year old like this. On Tuesday I went out for the entire day and he took both kids to a farm, gave them breakfast and lunch, to the playground. If anything my criticism of him is that he could sometimes just "be" in the house a bit more with the toddler who enjoys helping with cooking, pottering whilst you garden etc. Being exhausted from work is no reason to be a shit parent. Since I had kids I now give of myself less towards the last week of term precisely so I'm not ill/spent and can be a good parent.

I'm not going to tell you to leave you husband but he sounds pathetic.

Hide his phone. "No haven't seen it!" Pillock.

You don't get "downtime" when you've got kids. I'm a lone parent working full time, I've managed for 16 years without "downtime".

@AFmammaG yes - our kids club is same cost. That's why people think i'm mad paying for 3 or 4 days a week holiday camp for my older kid when i have a husband at home.

I could book stuff for them. But this is how i got into this mess. The more I help H and do things for him, the less he does.

And i can't really spend the day breathing down his neck. I do come in and say 'you doing anything today? i think you need to take DS out' - he will agree - but then still be there 2 hours later. He does also go out sometimes or do something - but it's so painful to watch. Bare minimum stuff.

@bluegreygreen sometimes he says he needs 2 weeks to recover, and then tells me he also needs 2 weeks at end of summer to 'mentally prepare to go back'. I'm afraid I don't have much sympathy.

he is doing bare minimum at work too. Uses AI to write school reports. always in trouble for not doing marking. He is always home by 5 and never works from home

teachers have it hard but not all teachers are the same.

Give your dh a week to decompress and then have a chat.

Your dh sounds depressed tbh

Your last update gave me the real ick, OP - fast forward this life in your head a few years and think about what it will be like when it’s back to just the two of you - imagine your life together, trying to cajole him to get up and do things together, enjoy life together?
He is wasting so much time and missing so many opportunities to enjoy his life, his children - you.
Yuck.

This. What a lazy twat.

How was he with your first? Before second child arrived

He sounds awful.

Lots of single parents manage to juggle the holidays. You could manage and it sounds like you’d be happier. This man is bringing nothing to your life.

Not everyone is depressed, some people are just lazy.

I guess whether he's depressed or lazy, it still is the same result that my young DS has a dad lying on the sofa doing v little. I just feel complicit in DS having a bit of a shit/boring time if I go to the office every day. And possibly even unsafe if he falls asleep as much as he's been doing. I will work from home next week and see how we go - and then will talk to him - but i predict it not going well!

Stay home for the week next week and keep a close eye on him. Make note of how many times he brings your younger child out, without you prompting him. Also make note of how many times he has a nap. Then have a frank conversation with him about how he's not pulling his weight and how he's doing the bare minimum with your DC. Point out that you're not his mother and you're not his manager, and that you shouldn't have to nag him (or cajole him) into doing fun stuff with his DC (by fun stuff I mean a trip to the playground or park or petting farm or something - I'm not talking Legoland or Disneyland Paris).

If he accuses you of watching him or judging him, then tell him that you are judging him and that he's falling well short of what you expect a hands on Dad to do. Ask him if he wants his son to look back on his summers (in years to come) and remember his Dad being on his phone permanently.

Only you can decide if you want to stay with him or not. But I suspect your frustration will turn to resentment (if it hasn't already). Although I take your point about a split adversely impacting your DC.

A frank and honest conversation might shock him into making a change. Or it might not. But at least you've tried.