To go into the office everyday?

[GiveMeAFriggingBreak]

My H is now off work for 2 months (teacher).

We have DC6 (who will go to summer clubs) and DC3 (no clubs available for their age).

People think I'm barmy for paying for clubs when I have an H at home all summer.

My DC3 and H are at home every day for the next 2 months. H does look after DC, but often PJs all day, he watches loads of telly, often is in garden by himself, they don't DO anything. Maybe H will do one load of washing and then say "I would take DC out but so much to do round house". H spends a lot of time on his phone on the sofa. DC is actually quite self-contained, loves building, colouring, but he's left to own devices or telly watching really.

I work in a shed in the garden but v close to house and can see all this from my window

I find it v frustrating and upsetting to watch sometimes. I've been dreading summer hoidays for weeks.

Is it unreasonable for me to start going to the office full time? I feel bad as I'm abandoning my 3 year old and i worry perhaps if will be even worse if i'm not here - i give him loads of cuddles and play with him on my breaks.

But also it's not working on me or H to have me here - H feels 'watched' and judged, I feel so frustrated that our 3 year old is going to spend nearly 2 months in PJs watching telly.

AIBU just to leave them to it? Or should I stay and help out - not for sake of H of course, but for my DC?

OP says she's been dreading the summer holidays for weeks because of this, so it sounds like a frequent and normal thing for him. He doesn't sound like someone who would be particularly engaged at weekends either tbh.

What does your DC normally do during the day when you DH is at work?

Just make sure no-one is expecting you to be in the office full time come September, and go there.

Go into the office but disable/take phone with you. Disable TVs etc too!!!

Go to nursery or school.

@Mumofoneandone sorry I'm not in England so thought the 3 year old may have went to a nursery that was open during the holidays and was going to suggest just leaving them there during the holidays if your DH was that disinterested in enjoying the holidays with them

I think for your younger child's sake you (because DH won't) need to find some sort of nursery, club or childminder for at least 2 days a week.

You'll be around at the weekend? (Or 2 days a week if you work shifts) so that equals 4 days of good quality care for youngest.

DH can do the busy house stuff on the days both DC are away and step up to be an active parent on the remaining 3!!!

Or could you get a "mother's help"? (Though in this case it would be a father's help) to come in 2 days a week (while DH is around) to play, supervise. Have fun.

I'm Scottish so don't understand the years in England but an S5 or and S6 pupil who wants a future in childcare might be a good support. S5 -S6 is ages 16-18 roughly.

I did this when I was in S6. Loved it (with older DC and parent out of house). I also worked as a mother's help with parent in house helped with 7 DC ages ranging from baby to 15.

I think I’d rather spend the money for DC3 to do some days at nursery over the summer so at least you know they’re screen free, stimulated and playing.

Putting the eldest in summer club has enabled his shit parenting further.

Honestly I would end the relationship.

The DC will experience good parenting with you and not have to see you enabling his shit parenting more they will just see he is being shit.

I would say that is a bargain to have your child engaged in activities.

35x6 = 210
40x 6 = 240

anything up to 300 for 6 weeks is a good price.

@GiveMeAFriggingBreak what is your age and your dh's age?

Gosh this is a sad post. Some men just absolutely suck. This guy sounds exactly like my BIL. The kids are older now but my poor SIL has grown more depressed as each year passes.

Can your “D”H not pay for your DC to be in nursery if he needs “downtime” so much? From his own personal spends mind.

You’ve multiplied by the number of weeks in the hols not the number of days

He's an utterly shit dad.

I'm a teacher. I'll go straight from work to full time care of my 2 primary aged kids. No clubs, no grandparents, all on me. We will have fun and there's times where they have a bit too much screen. But really his bar is so so low. I'm shocked you put the other one in clubs. He should be looking after both. What an utter shit parent.

Urgh, how frustrating. I feel annoyed and I’m not even involved! I think I would put the 3 yo in childcare if at all possible and go into the office- I assume dh will say this isn’t necessary, but I think the only hope of salvaging this is if you hold your standards (from him/ for your child) and really mean it. ‘I can’t leave dc with you, you’re asleep, so it’s going to cost us/you £X in childcare, I’ve booked it’. There is a chance that if he sees you really mean it and aren’t going to just ‘nag’, then he’ll wake up (in all senses). And at least you’ll have a short term solution- I think I’d find the current situ so frustrating that I’d lose my mind. At least if you take charge and are out it’ll feel marginally better- albeit it’s very far from ideal.

oh sorry. I knew my sums weren't accurate here.

so £1K? now that's a lot if a parent is at home. I agree to giving dh 2 weeks on his own. yes, I keep hearing teachers are at breaking point and leaving in droves.

I didn’t mean to be rude but I thought worth pointing out!

Doesn’t change that he’s a shit parent and you’re in an awful situation.

Some teacher friends of mine pay for clubs but not for the entire holiday. They wouldn’t leave little ones sat on screens all holiday to get downtime or make their partner feel like they couldn’t go to work safely.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing no, paid for by me, organised by me.

The older one is hyper! The days ends in tears if he doesn't go out or have structure. Its best for the older one to be in clubs 3 or 4 days a week throughout the summer. H agrees.

I'd put the 3 year old in too but there are no clubs round here for nursery aged children. I could possibly find a childminder but that really would feel like madness, paying for our child to be in someone else's house.

I find term time so much easier. I'm going to give it a few more days next week and then have a proper talk.

DS3 is so easy! Builds stuff, waters the plants, always smiling. And H acts likes he bloody exhausted. Especially frustrating when he's getting full night sleep and I'm often woken by kids or sometimes work late.

@helpout I'm 36. H is 42.

Just sounds like your DH is a lazy guy and must have been delighted that he managed to get you ! And now you are well and truly stuck, his mask is slipping.

hmmmmmmm what is he bringing to the party ? Maybe investigate spilting up, if only to give your DH a kick up the arse. He has got very comfy at your expense. And is being a shit parent

at only 42, he is a terrible parent, no matter what job he did. thought ltb crowd very early where trigger happy, but I too would leave!

does he even cook, clean 50/50 or is it all just on you? why are you paying for clubs- have separate finances?

some flatmate situation you are having there, if separate finances too.

oh, wasn't offended. I know law like the back of my hands lol so leave sums to others if not bothered to get my calculator out, as now. no ego here.

used to be good and quick with maths but slowly lost it when I started using words more. yes, I am like a dictionary now lol

Oh i know it's bad. I don't need to be persuaded it's bad @helpout . He's a dick. I know that.

Just doesn't make logical sense to me to leave your husband because you don't trust him to look after the kids properly. I mean.....it might be the RIGHT thing to do, but it doesn't feel like the sensible thing to do. At all.

You would have just to have to hope two things 1) he doesn't go for 5050 and just does fun weekends 2) he steps up.

But it's a risky old business.

sorry, I must have missed your initial point. sorry if my laying it out in black and white is spot on and you already knew this. I wouldn't be insensitive knowingly.

so, don't leave your baby alone with him as you get to hug him during your break.

Laying it out in black and white is always helpful - thank you @helpout

Just stuck really.

• I stay at home and help out - and I'm allowing/encouraging this manchild to continue to be a lazy arse.
• I go to the office and leave them to it - and risk my kid being ignored for days/weeks at a time.
• I leave my relationship entirley - and I risk my kids safety long-term.

Totally, and utterly, fucking stuck.

This was my thought!

If you stayed working from home how about he naps while you have your lunch break then he has the rest he needs and no excuse for being tired.

Have you considered how he feels about full time childcare and how it might be impacting him. Does he have time to himself for what he enjoys - to fill his cup! That might make a big difference to his mental energy and motivation!