AIBU to get a back up as I don’t like flower girl dress?

[Zebedee2024]

My daughter is a flower girl at her aunties wedding in August. Her auntie ordered her a dress and got it sent straight to our house. I really really do not like it at all. It’s very thick long sleeve almost down to the ankles, my daughter can’t walk yet and due to it being so long she can’t crawl in it so is getting very frustrated by it. AIBU to buy something else and change her into it after the ceremony is over?

I'd say nothing, change after photos into a pretty but not occasion dress and say she had a poo explosion or was sick or something.

The plan is she will either hold a bridesmaid hand or push her walker down the aisle both of which will be a total disaster and she will not do either

So even if she is reliably walking it's still not happening?

Would it be kinder just to say now that it's not happening?

Presumably your daughter will be held during the ceremony if she's not walking? So put her in the lovely expensive dress whilst she's sat on your lap, get the photos, and then either just let her crawl around in her vest and tights at the reception (and say that you didn't want to ruin the dress!) or bring a spare cheap dress for that same purpose.

I would use this as a reason I'm assuming a bridesmaid will carry her down and aisle? Say you don't Want the dress ruined and you will change her after the .photos into something she can crawl about in.

What's the eye roll for? 20 months IS late to be walking at the OP has confirmed she's being monitored for it

I don't think there's anything wrong with changing her after the photo OP. As long as it's the same colour it shouldn't really matter

Zebedee2024

but they’re not having any of it so I’m just leaving them to it and let them discover on the day she’s not gonna do it

On reflection, that does sound a bit harsh.
I understand your frustration but I'm sure you don't want to deliberately sabotage your SiL's wedding.
If I were you I'd have one more go at getting in touch and really emphasising that what they're planning absolutely won't work.

That’ is absolutely not my intention at all! My husband’s family are extremely strong willed and will not be told honestly I have said numerous times it’s not going to work and they will not have it they jsuy say ‘oh I’m sure it’ll be fine stop worrying about it’

Zebedee2024

Ah, fair enough.
Annoying for you.

The last wedding I was at, the toddler flower girl - who was capable of walking - was accompanied by her mother down the aisle. I'd have thought that was entirely normal!

It's honestly a no brainer that you should change your dd out of this unsuitable dress after the photos into something cool and comfortable.

I agree! You don’t want her crying and trying to get back to you in the middle of the ceremony.

I’d try to find a polite way of saying it might be better for her not to be a flower girl. Something like “We really appreciate you wanting to include her in the wedding but I think she will get upset at being apart from us and I don’t want your ceremony to be disrupted. So it may be best if she doesn’t go down the aisle”.

Then SIL can either say that you or DH can carry her down the aisle, or agree that it’s best for her not to be in the ceremony.

Yup this. Your child is not a toy or a wedding accessory and its up to you to advocate for her. "Dear Auntie, I need to give you a heads up that the lovely plan for toddler to be your flower girl will need some changes. Yes everybody expected her to be able to do xyz by now but she isn't and the lovely dress isn't suitable for her to wear for any length of time at her stage of development so she won't be (wearing the dress all the time, walking up the aisle, plus anthing else expected that now won't happen) The options are a,b,c. Please let me know which you think would be best. love @Zebedee2024"
At least then you can't be blamed for huge mess up.....well people can try of course but you will have done what you can.

I think I’d have one last try at telling them that the lack of walking, the clinginess to you and the huge, heavy dress is most likely going to cause a grumpy, crying toddler rather than the cute image they’re hoping for, and suggest it might be an idea to scrap the flower girl idea apart from pictures. If they really aren’t having it then it’s their tough luck if they goes wrong!

Just stop worrying about it you have said to them it might not work out let them figure it out. Definitely change her dress though, apart from the length does it fit her could it be altered so she can crawl about in it?

No!! this is not kind to the child. Mum should be protecting her child and if this means Big Mum Boots then that's what it takes.

I don’t think it sounds harsh!

I think it sounds like they want the OP’s daughter to participate for the cute factor/photos and they’re not really interested in the practicalities or whether or not the little girl will actually enjoy taking part.

Ok thank you everyone I have ordered her something I know she’ll be more comfortable in and comfortable have messaged the bride just to tell her it’s because she can’t crawl in it and she’s getting upset. With regards to walking down the aisle I have told her I will play it by ear on the day but a good solution would be for her dad to walk with her down the aisle as he’s a groomsman

Sil can’t tell anyone what to wear after the ceremony, I wouldn’t hesitate to rip it off!
Alternatively, see if it can be shortened. A toddler in a long dress is plain daft.

marmiteoneverything

I don’t think it sounds harsh!

Fair enough - you're entitled to your opinion

I do think its sounds harsh but because of the effect on the child.

Oh dear, this has got disaster written all over it! Mind you, you've now said your DH is a groomsman so it makes sense for him to 'walk' your DD down the aisle.

When my daughter was a bit younger than yours, my SIL wanted her to be a flower girl. Well, I spent the entire ceremony outside with a miserable, crying, wriggling toddler!

I think this is what I’ll end up doing tbh and god knows how the wedding breakfast will go! She refuses to stay in a high chair at home she climbs out so she has her own toddler table and chair which obviously she won’t have at the wedding. I am looking forward to it but I think it’s just going to be very stressful for me and my husband

I'd talk to her about the dress OP.

On the issue around her walking. My lad couldn't crawl til he was 19 months old and couldn't walk til he was two, absolutely nothing wrong with him he was just a lazy little bugger! Didn't stop talking though!

Yeah it's going to be a long day, weddings aren't particularly toddler friendly! It'll be ok though.

Haha same with my daughter! She can talk in sentences and count to 10 but can’t walk or even stand unaided!

Yeah he was the same! He was also massive so by two years old I had muscles like Arnie from lumping him around!